Our first and last love… self love.

A few nights ago, we ordered Chinese food… no, wait. Allow me to depart from the subject for a moment.

I’ve been back in the Hamilton area for a few years now – since 2000, in fact, where did the time go? – and it still amazes me how many questions I can’t answer. Questions like: If I wanted to order Chinese food for delivery, what would be the best and cheapest place to call? In Toronto, where I spent my young adulthood, I knew the answer. Around here, I’m left leafing through the phone book or struggling to remember the name of the place my Dad once ordered from. It makes me insane sometimes. I cannot be bothered to start calling up local friends and relatives.

Back to the story.

A few nights ago, we ordered Chinese food. Along with the spicy szechuan noodles and spring rolls, they threw in enough fortune cookies for both of us to have three (which is either a statement about the quantity of food we ordered or their generosity – heh). One of mine seemed particularly profound: Our first and last love… self love. My husband believes that I can make ANYTHING seem profound and dripping with meaning – and he’s absolutely right. I decided the fortune was suggesting that I purchase some new sex toys and prompty began investigating all the new and interesting products on Come As You Are‘s web site.

After much discussion, debate and after checking every web site known to man, I tentatively settled on the “LAYAspot” from Fun Factory. Being practical people, however (and realizing that vibrators are generally not returnable – thank god and ew ew ew!) we didn’t buy it online, and instead got in the car and ventured to Lovecraft in Mississauga (the nearest store carrying them for a reasonable price) so I could test the various strengths and speeds and ergonomics of all the “hot new vibrators”.

Hamilton’s best offering for sex toys is the Stag Shop (due to some fucked up bylaws) and it’s a place that I equate with the high school mentality on sex. In other words, crappy products meant solely to titillate (“Ohhhh, a mug shaped like a PENIS! hehehehehe!”), with no quality control, and no one knowledgeable on staff to help you make your decision. I’ve never been happy with anything I’ve purchased there – it’s either been crappy to use or broken almost immediately.

Lovecraft is a nice, neat, clean store. I used to do all of my shopping at the Yorkville location when I worked around the block – I don’t even try to deny the fact that I was totally spoiled living in Toronto. While I lived there, I had a world of toys and accoutrements at my doorstep, and so it became the default to expect good service and “grown up” sales staff. Since that’s where I visited my first “sex shop”, I assumed every city was blessed to have such a great place to go. Lovecraft, like Come As You are, is well-lit, well-organized, and has a huge variety of product – including the obligatory “joke” section – and staff that have no qualms about giving their opinion. They’ll happily pry open a package to put in some batteries so you can feel how something works (erm, on your hand, I mean!) and offer their suggestions as to what would be a good ‘fit’ for your needs. They don’t pressure you, though, into purchasing what you’ve tested.

It’s the sort of shop that I like – chock full of deviant ideas and healthy sexuality and videos and books and toys and lingerie and lube and condoms, and strap-ons and toys I’ve never seen before. Walking in doesn’t make you revert to teenagehood, and you don’t feel like whatever you’re about to ask will make the sales clerk blush. It’s suitable for teenagers and grandmothers and everyone in between. Come As You Are is similar in style, but less stocked and somehow a bit disappointing in person.

Back to the product review portion of this post.

The LAYAspot rocks.

I mean, people, if I was wealthy I’d send one to each and every one of you. It’s small, it’s comfortable to hold (though Melle made fun of me for enjoying the ergonomics of the item – something along the lines of, “What kind of death grip do you normally HAVE on your vibrator that ergonomics is such an issue?”) and the highlight is the multiple settings. This puppy goes beyond “low/medium/high” settings and features seven different speed/pulse options. It has two simple buttons (on and off) and is completely waterproof. I’m in love.

And now I’m even more determined that my business needs to make money NOW NOW NOW dammit, because I’m jonesin’ for the entire Sue line and about 30 other new toys. (What’s that? You were just thinking how much you’d like to buy me sex toys? Why, you go right ahead! Can we start with the Royal Surfer? ;) )