September 2005

If it weren’t for things like West Nile, I’d happily sign myself up for a weekly mosquito-biting session. I love love love love LOVE scratching itchy things – mosquito bites are the BEST. Is that.. weird?

“Would you prefer the happiness of scratching a mosquito bite over the happiness of not having a mosquito bite in the first place?” – Sogyal Rinpoche
(from “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying”)

as challenged by Ms. Not Calm.

Ten Years Ago:
I was just out of university, living in a townhouse with Chz (and some fuckers who shall remain unnamed and unidentified lest I get all worked up about them) and working for the inline skate store. I was having sex with that guy who I later married and divorced, but was not yet living with him OR dating him in any official way. I was chock full of self-loathing and crappy behaviours. I was also vaguely dating people that I would have paid a lot more attention to if I hadn’t been so fucked in the head.

Five Years Ago:
I was freshly married and already panicking about the mistake I had made. We had moved to Hamilton from Toronto, Pant was living in our attic, and the children in our neighbourhood were gleefully wrecking anything they wanted to on our property. My Dad was still alive. My dog B was still alive.

One Year Ago:
I was working for Xco, miserable (but in a vaguely new position of misery) and still had red hair.

Yesterday:
I filled up my library card with requested books, wondered if the book I had recently purchased would arrive soon, and remembered to floss. Oh! And I didn’t wear my pyjamas all day, either!

Five Songs I Know All The Words To:
1. I am seriously a lyrics freak. There are few songs in the mp3 collection that I can’t sing along with spontaneously, surprising even myself. I have to pass on this question!

Five Snacks:
1. Chocolate covered almonds
2. Toasted pita with tzatziki smeared on it
3. Dillicious Doritos
4. Rice Krispy squares
5. Maple Mini-Wheats

Five things I’d do with 100 million dollars:
(In reality, I would, of course, consult with Coffee – but this is my list if he had nothing to do with it..)
1. Give a million to each of my very close friends
2. Buy a huge forest/lake/field property and build a home that was highly efficient and environmentally friendly for myself and anyone else who wanted to come
3. Travel a whole lot – visit everyone I know in the world
4. Take a lot of courses and classes in artistic things (for fun)
5. Book a week-long spa retreat somewhere exotic (Thailand sounds good!)

Five places I’d run away to:
1. Willow’s house.
2. Northern BC where no one would ever find me
3. Arizona
4. Colorado
5. North West Territories

Five things I would never wear:
(I have to amend this to “I would never wear AGAIN” in some instances)
1. Stilletto heels (or any ‘strappy shoes’ or ‘strappy’ sandals)
2. Leather pants (Hi Charlie!) without a motorcycle between my thighs
3. A mumu / tent-dress
4. ???
5. ???

Five Favourite TV Shows
1. Law & Order (and all variants)
2. CSI (and all variants except NY)
3. Boston Legal
4. Veronica Mars
5. COPS

Five greatest joys
1. Spending time with my husband doing pretty much anything
2. Reading
3. Waking up without an alarm clock
4. Long hot bubble baths in a very deep tub
5. Sleep

Current Reads:
1. “Pronoia” by Rob Brezsny
2. “Stitch n Bitch” by Debbie Stoller
3. Health magazine
4. “You: An Owner’s Manual” by Michael Roizen
5. “Never Wrestle with a Pig” by Mark McCormick

Five People I am tagging to do this:
1. Chz
2. Melle
3. Karen
4. Willow
5. Von

Lately, with the arrival of autumn, I find myself waking up in the morning with this overwhelming feeling of.. ugh. I want to lie in bed for the rest of the day, dozing and reading books and not emerging from the snuggled-up spot of warmth underneath my duvet. I am not sure whether this is purely psychosomatic (“Oh, fall is here. I’m morose!”) or whether I’m just feeling tired and blah. Blah. Blah Blah. Either way, it’s annoying.

I need a good shake-up. And not the type that causes melodrama and involves lawyers, for once. A controlled shake-up, if you will.

I’m trying to add some spice, here.

Recent attempts as spicing:

We shopped at “Goodness Me!” for groceries today. New and healthy foods to try and to experiment with. Goodness Me has heaps of organic veggies and other foods, along with interesting prepackaged foods that aren’t available in our regular grocery store. We picked out some good lookin’ veggies and snacks and the like, and it’ll be fun to try them this week – shake up our meals a bit. Whoo!

The book I ordered, “Pronoia,” arrived in the mail this morning. Something new to read and ponder and think about, and I’ve been a big fan of the author for a really long time so it’ll be good to “get to know” him a bit more.

I also spent a good chunk of time on the library site requesting books (so many that I used up all the ‘requests’ available on my card and now Coffee has to get a card so I can add more.) I am going to be SO busy reading in the next while! YAY! Thank you SO MUCH for your ideas and suggestions!!! I’ll let you guys know what I think of them as I read. I suppose now would be as good a time as any to start keeping a book list for my own reference and for anyone else who might be interested. I have no idea how to add a page to my blog (heee! my geek cred just evapourated!) but I’ll try to bribe Nicole to help me out with that.

We also made a short trip to Value Village to pick up some ‘work clothes’ for Coffee (work clothes being non-jeans, non-flannels) and I found a few sweaters and things there to add a little spark to the ol’ wardrobe. It’s always fabulous to find something new for $5.00. It’s also easier to pick out items that are a little out of my usual style when I don’t have to shell out $70 for them, y’know?

Any other suggestions for breaking out of a rut and adding a bit of spice to life? It goes without saying, but, suggestions that are inexpensive are preferred. On the other hand, if you’d like to purchase plane tickets for me and send me to Peru, well, I’m game. :)

Often, when I was a kid, my mother would demand that I apologize for something I had done. It didn’t matter much whether I was actually sorry, or whether I felt she had misunderstood, or whether I felt the action warranted an apology – she’d stand there glaring at me and growl, “Apologize. Say you’re sorry.” until I did. I always felt that saying I was sorry was giving in – because I hadn’t been allowed to explain. And if I could have explained, the situation wouldn’t have necessitated an apology – because they’d UNDERSTAND what I had said or done.

For much of my life, of course, I’ve spent hours and hours and emails and emails trying to EXPLAIN what happened in the course of hurting someone’s feelings. I’d go on and on and on about what I was thinking and what I meant and how I didn’t intend it – but I’d stop far short of actually saying the words: I’m sorry. After all, if they just listened to me explain, the apology wouldn’t be necessary. Right?

My husband is the opposite. He doesn’t have to swallow his pride in order to apologize for anything and everything. He hurts someone, he apologizes. The explanation or the justification or the story comes later, if needed, but his apology is always pure and simple and heart-felt and soothes almost instantly. I have been studying this behaviour of his – and how it feels when he apologizes to me. I feel good. I feel acknowledged. After I realize he’s aware of the hurt, I’m much more prepared to listen to his reasoning for what has transpired and then to resolve it.

In the past year or two, I’ve been working on apologizing when I fuck up. It’s harder than you’d think. This whiny child’s voice in my head starts shouting, “No! We’re not sorry! We were RIGHT! Tell them why we were right! TELL THEM!” and I have to work hard to ignore it. The funny thing is that when I do apologize, I feel instantly better. I feel like I’ve made the situation four-hundred times more ‘right’ than my explanations and justifications could ever dream of. Even when things aren’t completely resolved, and even when the situation requires a detailed explanation, I feel much better starting with, “I’m sorry.”

I am learning that you don’t have to be wrong with your ‘facts’ in order to apologize – that if someone’s feelings are hurt, or they’re offended by what you’ve said, you can still apologize without it being a white flag of surrender. An argument is stronger when it’s not a personal attack, or when one person isn’t nurturing a grudge against you – when they realize that your intent is not to hurt them. I am learning that an apology is a really good first step in opening up a good solid discussion. I am learning that apologies are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. I am learning that justifications and reasonings are great – but won’t be listened to if the person is angry or upset. And the biggest thing I am learning? It’s okay to be wrong.

Dude, by the time I’m 90 years old I’ll TOTALLY have the hang of this “interacting with people” thing.

Thank you, Bust.

Winter is coming and I need a favour.

I’m creating lists of books that I want to read – either because they interest me greatly or because they’ve been recommended. What are YOU reading right now? What do you think I should absolutely-positively read this winter?

Also, I’ve been updating my request list on Zip. What movies do you recommend? What made you laugh/cry/think recently?

Feedback. I need feedback!

A good memory of autumn, suddenly – walking down Bloor St, heading for work (on Bay) with a gigantic cup of (“Second Cup“) hot white chocolate topped with whipped cream. That memory leads into winter though where I’m sludging through freezingly cold, watery slop trying not to pour the hot chocolate all over myself. But with that winter part tacked on, is it cheating to consider it a good autumn memory? Hmm.

CUNT

Nope. Doesn’t bother me anymore.

How ’bout you?

I dunno, you tell me.

It’s amazing how many people don’t know what a ‘blog’ is – another example of how something can be incredibly simple and normal and part-of-everyday-life for one person and completely unknown to the person sitting next to them. And yet we’re surprised that not everyone agrees with OUR perceptions of the world. Go figure.

My next challenge is to read all 100 of these. I’ve read many of them, and I realize some are for kids, but dammit, I’m gonna’ do it. The 100 most frequently challenged books 1990-2000.

For the hell of it, and because I’m a big-fat-copycat I’m posting the top 100 here and bolding the ones that I’ve read, which will give you an idea of how many I’ve got left on my list. For the most part, those that I’ve read, well, I’d never have considered them ‘objectionable’ in any way..

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