Out.

From 11am until 7pm we have been without internet. That means we were also without telephone (VoIP) and I was just plain twitchy. I managed to get a few things accomplished, however, and finished reading my current book (which was really, really, really good) and otherwise entertained myself. I was surprised by how many times I said (to myself or out loud) “I’ll just look that up on the.. in..ter… oh, crap.” I need my internet access.

Instead of checking email, I actually completed a sudoku puzzle – my very first – with Coffee’s assistance. Numbers make me twitchy and angsty, and he walked me through the methods of completing it. Then I cleaned Weetie’s cage, which annoyed him greatly (and which served as fabulous entertainment for me, watching him dig around and shove paper from place to place) and I read my book and I worked on my NaNoWriMo (I don’t think I’m going to be finished by the end of the month) and I wrote some Christmas cards and I ate French Cream candies (mmmmm) and did loads of laundry and .. well, you get the picture. Stuff got done. Tonight is pizza night – my favourite night of the week. We’ll watch a movie, we’ll eat pizza, we’ll zone out for a bit.. all good.

There was a message on the phone – my cousin, inviting me to Christmas at her place. It’s not Christmas dinner, apparently, it’s hors d’oeuvres in the afternoon on December 18th. The message noted that Coffee and I would be more than welcome and people would like to see us. I feel obligated to go – they came to our wedding, after all – but my heart isn’t in it. I dread family gatherings, when the whole group is together. I feel out of place, I feel like I’m not part of the family. It’s my aunts and uncles + their kids and families. Even with Coffee there, I’m sort of apart from the rest. It’s hard to explain. They’re my mother’s sisters, of course, but without my mother or father there I feel completely unanchored. Detached from the festivities and collective ‘family-ness’ – the stories of what they all did last weekend and whose birthday party they were at and what they got for the holidays and.. well, everything. I’m not part of it in any tangible way, except by blood.

I’ve been thinking about how I want to celebrate the holidays this year – what I want to do with Coffee. It’s really just us and the dogs around here. I’m hoping for some time out of the house, if the weather is acceptable, and some stuffing to eat. I’d really like to try a turkey from Goodness Me, since they sound delicious, and they’re free-range, organic birds. Then again, after my earlier post about attacking turkeys, perhaps I’ll stick with tofu.. Cupcakes will be necessary, without question.