These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes.

This is one of my favourite paintings – it’s called “Entre les trous de la Memoire” (or, “Between the Gaps/Cracks/Lapses of Memory” depending on translation) by Dominique Appia. I have a copy of it that I purchased years and years ago – back in university. It reminds me of sleep and dreams and, well, memories. How they shift and fade with time.

Last night I decided to go without the Clonazepam in order to test how well the Celexa is working. (It occurs to me that writing down drug after drug just doesn’t do much to convince anyone that I’m not a walking basket case..) It took me a while to fall asleep – I couldn’t get comfortable, my pillow wasn’t the right thickness, the duvet was too warm/cold, my body wasn’t positioned right, etc…etc.. And then I drifted off. Woke up at 1:30. Fell asleep again. Woke up shortly after. Fell asleep again. Woke up again. Fell asleep. Woke up. Fell asleep. Woke up at 8:00 and Coffee was awake, too. Excellent timing.

There was no panic last night, though – I woke up every time a snowflake fell (or so it seemed) but there was no heart-pounding anxiety or cold tremoring sweaty hands. Thank you, dear sweet goddess of pharmaceuticals, for adjusting my brain chemistry and making me somewhat sane again. Tonight I’ll try it all over again and see how it goes. Keep this up and I’ll be able to stop talking about anxiety altogether. Whoo!

I had forgotten that Celexa gives me vivid extended dreams – they’re incredibly realistic, save for improbable conversations/locales/incidents and they’re like extenda-play movies. I had a particularly vivid one in which I was talking to my Dad, and then he later died, and I cried and cried (and woke myself up crying then, too, for a bit). But there are always five or six dreams – scattering very quickly when I wake up, but extremely vivid while I’m in them. I love to dream – love sleeping, really, and it’s nice to be back to it. I feel better when I wake up after prancing through a completely familiar (but altered) landscape inside my head.

I had also forgotten that Celexa makes my teeth chatter in the mornings, but that’s a minor side effect as far as I’m concerned.

I have things to do this morning, today, so I’m off to do them. Don’t worry, I’ll be back in a bit, I’m sure.