November 2005

I was restless at knitting class tonight – after the first hour I went outside for fresh air (!) and then I wandered around the store looking at yarns and doo-dads. My knitting bag is going to take forever and a day to finish, and I’m considering putting it on hold in favour of starting the cardigan. I get easily unimpressed with projects that involve row after row after row of knitting or purling. Ugh. I need some drama! Some excitement!

I’ve had a headache for most of today, which has caused endless bitching on my part. Or whining. Whatever. A combination thereof. I’m still puzzling over my 4 hour sleep-limit – wondering what would happen if I fell asleep at 9pm, woke up at 1, then fell asleep again. Would I wake up at 5? And why won’t my brain let me sleep for more than 4 hours? WHY?!

My panic has mostly subsided other than the nighttime thing – and a few brief moments of anxiety during the day. I feel better, though, bit by bit – I just have to remind myself that when I start feeling good, I can’t just go all-out. It seems that when I’m tired, or get stressed, the anxiety pops up. Bleh. Manageable, though. Soon I’ll be uncrazy again. I promise. :)

I could totally go for afternoon naps – still tired around 3pm. I find the library books help with that. I seem to recover a bit of my energy after reading a few chapters of whatever book is closest to me at the time. I’m avoiding actual naps, though, since I don’t want to fuck with my nighttime sleep.

Sleeeeep.

The aforementioned project for Dax is done! I finished it tonight at SnB while consuming a white hot chocolate. Mmmm… I dropped a few stitches (and picked them up) and I dropped one of the dpns at one point, but in the end, it’s done. I hope Dax isn’t expecting something fabulous – this is, erm, basic but pretty darned cool. I’m all proud of myself. Best of all, I managed to not swear at all while making it – unlike Melle’s gift – so at least Dax’s first big phrase won’t be, “fucking mutherfucking knitting… fucker.” Melle, on the other hand, will be uttering that spontaneously any time the gift touches her skin due to the number of times I grumbled that while working on hers. Heh.

Tomorrow I’ll be working more on my knitting bag / gigantic purse thingie (bright pink wool to be felted, later) and then.. well, my ribby-cardi. I’m totally scared to start the cardigan, but I’m determined. That, and I’m anxious to use my new needles more. Heh.

Earlier today I finished off a large portion of the Christmas project I’ve been knitting for Dax. Toward the end I had to break out the dpns, which scared the beejeesus out of me – but other than one incident where some stitches slid off one of the needle everything went really smoothly. (Coffee ended up fixing the dropped stitches for me – see? I knew it was a good idea for him to sign up for knitting classes too!)

I kept finding ‘gaps’ in the stitches where I moved to the next needle – they were much looser. I solved it! Each time I was ready to move to the next needle, I’d slide one extra stitch over from left to right and knit it tightly. Once I had knit a few more stitches, I’d move that extra stitch back over to the needle it should have been resting on. Problem solved. Whooohooooo! (Okay, so that’s kind of a lame thing to get really worked up about, but I was absolutely thrilled!)

All told, I’m not a fan of the dpns – at all – and I don’t think I’m ever going to find them fun. But I feel TOTALLY accomplished for having used them and not injured myself in the process. :)

Regardless of what time I fall asleep, I wake up 4 hours later. I’m fine for about 2 minutes, then the panic sets in. I spend some time trying to get comfortable, to breathe deeply, to relax, and then I eventually fall asleep again. If I go to sleep at 11, I wake up at 3. 11:30 = 3:30, midnight=4:00.. Coffee postulates, due to the timing, that this relates to my third sleep cycle. (I knew him reading all those books about dreaming would come in handy. Heh.) Part of me wonders if it’s just PMS – I frequently wake up at odd times then. The good thing is that I don’t bound into a major panic attack – it’s about a 5/10 on the scale. I was having 10s before. During the day, I may have a 2/10 panic from time to time, but nothing I can’t function through.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about panic and anxiety and the various brain chemistries that cause and contribute. GABA and amino-acids and l-glutamine and various other supplements and food additives seem to help remedy anxiety in a lot of people. If I weren’t already taking the Celexa, I’d be inclined to hit the health food store and start experimenting. As it is, I’m going to try to work more foods into my diet that are known to help perk up some of the naturally occuring chemicals in the brain/body.

It’s actually quite fascinating to read about the various chemicals in the brain that relate to anxiety – but involves a lot of digging. Most web sites are about how to deal with symptoms (which is undoubtedly important, don’t get me wrong) and the few that talk about what causes the anxiety are hard to find. Part of it, I suppose, is that there’s no definitive answer that covers each person. Some people are just low in serotonin, others are low in various amino acids, some are having a form of PTSD..

At any rate, it’s an interesting ‘project’ to be working on.

The other issue I’m having is that, since my emergency room visit a few weeks back, I have a serious preoccupation with the fat, sodium and goo content of my food. I suppose the very thought that I was having a heart attack was enough to scare the living shit out of me. That part of it is fine – I mean, really – but I’m struggling to not go overboard. It’s a dangerous slope for someone with an eating disorder history – the urge to eliminate all foods that contain even a drop of fat is hovering right beside me. Toss in a fear of high-calorie foods, and.. yeah.

Coffee does 99.9% of the cooking, and right now I think that’s the best thing possible. If I were left to stare at the nutritional information on every item we ate I’m pretty sure I’d have to live off of bran flakes and water. I’m eating enough fruits and vegetables and yogurt and tofurkey sandwiches that I’m not losing weight, but I’m definitely preoccupied with the content of my food. There is no way, at all, that I could eat my all-time favourite food: onion rings. The idea makes me feel twitchy. I’ve been okay with drinking cider and hot chocolate at SnBs, which is amusing.

I suppose some of this will clear up when I have my appointment in January with the cardiologist for all the final tests and to review the results of everything we’ve done. Having said that, it’s a really strange sensation to not want chocolate.

What person in their right mind would think this was a good idea? Seriously? WHO would buy this? WHO?!

AND THEY’RE $700!

Holy crap, these Denise needles are amazing. Wow. Totally, completely and utterly amazing. They’re really really light – it feels like I’m knitting with childrens’ needles or something – and they’re quick to knit with, too. This is only my first project with them, but I’d rank them a 10/10 so far. Best money spent on knitting supplies yet.

Do you see this shoe? They cost $119 USD. That’s, I dunno, $400 CAD.

To own a pair of those, in size 9, I would.. umm.. do something illegal for you. Not murder-illegal, but something moderately illegal. Like key someone’s car or mail you a cross-border package containing a food product or maybe, just maybe, I’d rip the tag off of a mattress while it was still in the store! OH YES I WOULD!

From Flippy, from Leigh-Ann from…yadda, yadda, yadda (to borrow from Flippy. Heh.)

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the sentence in your blog with these instructions.
5. Don’t search around for the “coolest” book you can find. Do what’s actually closest.

“I think we need to talk,” she said, but to his immense relief she backed out of the room without another word, pressing the door shut with the gentlest of clicks, not unlike the sound your tongue makes against the roof of your mouth when you think something’s a shame.

From “Little Children” by Tom Perrotta

Here in Canada, with few exceptions, it’s illegal for your employer to demand that you take a drug test. Exceptions, such as for truck drivers and the like, must be noted in writing when you accept the job. If you show up drunk (say) at work, your employer must ensure you make it home safely, then provide counseling and/or treatment. They cannot simply fire you – the addiction is a disability, and you cannot be fired for having a disability.

My understanding is that the US isn’t quite so kind and gentle in their laws, and I have many friends who could be asked to pee on demand at any given time. This seems really really weird to me. I can’t imagine peeing in order to keep my job. As long as I’m showing up and doing my job properly, I don’t think my employer has any right to ask what I do in my spare time (whether I’m a crack whore or a raging drunk) and as noted below, a positive drug test doesn’t mean someone is indulging on company time.

From the Canadian Human Rights Commission web site:

Because they cannot be established as bona fide occupational requirements, the following types of testing are not acceptable:

* Pre-employment drug testing
* Pre-employment alcohol testing
* Random drug testing
* Random alcohol testing of employees in non-safety-sensitive positions.

The following types of testing may be included in a workplace drug- and alcohol-testing program, but only if an employer can demonstrate that they are bona fide occupational requirements:

* Random alcohol testing of employees in safety sensitive positions1. Alcohol testing has been found to be a reasonable requirement because alcohol testing can indicate actual impairment of ability to perform or fulfill the essential duties or requirements of the job. Random drug testing is prohibited because, given its technical limitations, drug testing can only detect the presence of drugs and not if or when an employee may have been impaired by drug use.
* Drug or alcohol testing for “reasonable cause” or “post-accident,” e.g. where there are reasonable grounds to believe there is an underlying problem of substance abuse or where an accident has occurred due to impairment from drugs or alcohol, provided that testing is a part of a broader program of medical assessment, monitoring and support.
* Periodic or random testing following disclosure of a current drug or alcohol dependency or abuse problem may be acceptable if tailored to individual circumstances and as part of a broader program of monitoring and support. Usually, a designated rehabilitation provider will determine whether follow-up testing is necessary for a particular individual.
* Mandatory disclosure of present or past drug or alcohol dependency or abuse may be permissible for employees holding safety-sensitive positions, within certain limits, and in concert with accommodation measures. Generally, employees not in safety-sensitive positions should not be required to disclose past alcohol or drug problems.

In the limited circumstances where testing is justified, employees who test positive must be accommodated to the point of undue hardship. The Canadian Human Rights Act requires individualized or personalized accommodation measures. Policies that result in the employee’s automatic loss of employment, reassignment, or that impose inflexible reinstatement conditions without regard for personal circumstances are unlikely to meet this requirement. Accommodation should include the necessary support to permit the employee to undergo treatment or a rehabilitation program, and consideration of sanctions less severe than dismissal.

I was totally ready to start my newest knitting project when I realized I didn’t have the right size circular needle. Not only that, but on checking out all the local stores, the right size needle doesn’t seem to exist. I found it on various web sites, but having never ordered from them before, I couldn’t convince myself that it was a good idea. (I order plenty of stuff online – love online shopping!) Not to mention, $12.00 for the needle + tax + shipping from the US? More money than I want to spend for a single pair of needles that will likely only be used for this project – and perhaps something later on.

After doing some investigation, I found a store in Ancaster that sells knitting supplies (yarn and needles and tote bags and whatever else) that also sold the Denise Interchangeable Needles. After more research, I found that they were consistently reviewed higher than the Boye interchangeable needles I had placed on my Christmas list post. And cheaper, too. (Have updated that Christmas list post. ) The reason they score higher, generally, is because they don’t tend to unscrew while knitting (they lock in, instead of twist in – hard to explain) and they’re a plain plastic needle instead of the coloured metal. The colour, apparently, frequently wears off and looks ugly. Not a big concern while knitting, but aesthetically unpleasing. Both sets are made by the same company – the Denise is the newer version.

So we ventured out to Needle Emporium and picked up their last set of Denise needles. It’s part of our ‘mutual Christmas present’. $77.00 (tax included) is a lot of money for needles, but with any luck we won’t need to purchase any more needles for a good long while. While there, of course, we groped various balls of yarn and fondled some fluffy wool, and leafed through some of the books they had. I saw one that was specifically about making socks – starting from really simple and moving up to really complex – and I think when I’m ready to start making a pair I might go and get the book. It’ll be easier than convincing Melissa to move in with me and hold my hand for the eight years it’ll take me to make a pair. :)

I find that I knit much smoother and more easily with flexible needles – when I’m using circulars, I tend to just go whipping along. They’re shorter and lighter and my arms don’t ache afterward. I didn’t realize (but do, now) that some people ONLY knit on circulars or flexible needles. The Denise will allow me to do that – they’re circulars, but they also have little “ends” that you can put on the plastic wire to cap them off and make them flexible straight needles. (COOL!)

Now I have no excuse but to get started on this project. Yay! Yay!

Further reviews will come once I’m under way with the needles.