January 2006

As of today, I am officially training to run a 5K. Why? I have no idea. I mean, I don’t actually plan to RUN a 5K anytime in the near future, but I figured it was a reasonable enough goal. 5K is a huge distance to my puny little legs, but it’s not like an Ironman or anything, so it’s technically doable. I have no idea how much time most people take to train for this sort of thing, so I’m setting myself a goal of my 31st birthday which is in 6 months. July 16, to be exact. Go ahead, call me a wuss for taking 6 months to get myself up to running 5K without, like, dying, but I don’t care.

5K.

By July 16.

Today is our one year engage-a-versary.
I am one hell of a lucky girl.

1. You have $10 and need to buy snacks at a gas station; what do you buy?
It totally depends on whether I have PMS or not, but.. chocolate and a slurpee (or generic non-711 version of such) to start, and probably some gum. Hubba Bubba gum, in grape.

2. If you had to be reincarnated as some sort of sea dwelling creature, what would you be?
What the hell kind of a question is that?

3. Who’s your favorite redhead?
Coffee. Duh.

4. What do you order when you’re at a pancake house?
Pancakes. Bacon. More bacon. I can’t remember the last time I was at a “pancake house”, however.

5. Do you own any naughty toys?
“Naughty toys”? Is that the same as “marital aids”?

6. Have you made out with anyone on your link list?
Yes. Yes I have.

7. Describe your favorite pair of underwear:
Clean, comfortable, thong. Soft cotton, preferrably.

8. Describe the last time you were injured:
Coffee punched me in the face. Heh.
Actually, I don’t get “injured” very often. A few bruises here and there…

9. Are there any odd things that make you feel comfortable?
Making little circular motions with my foot against the edge of the mattress while falling asleep.

11. Tell me a weird story from your high school years:
We were driving around in Seth’s car. Everyone but Seth was drinking copious amounts of alcohol from bottles (which is illegal in a car in Ontario, btw). A corvette pulled up and motioned for us to pull over. Seth did. The guy in the ‘vette tried to tell us he was with the Military Police (! in downtown Hamilton?!) and that we had to turn over the beer to him. Seth, being 6-foot-a-billion and 300 pounds declined. There was a scuffle. We all leaped back into Seth’s car and peeled away and down a bunch of backstreets. Seth was in major “mission!” mode and the rest of us went back to drinking in the car. Weird.

12. What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?
Clouds. Fluffy white clouds that float along. I have no idea how to change it at this point, anyway.

13. Soda?
Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper – which STILL isn’t available in Canada. Grrr.

14. Flavor of pudding?
Lemon.

15. What type of shirt are you wearing?
My Mohawk sweatshirt. A gift from Coffee for Christmas.

16. Prescription medication?
Celexa – 30mg.
Clonazepam if needed (hasn’t been needed in a long while now).
Caffeine.

17. If you could use only one form of transportation for the rest of your life what would it be?
Does this include long-distance trips? I guess I’d go with a motorcycle or something. But really, I’d like to say “bicycle” if I had the option of being able to switch to something powered if I wanted to go to, say, California.

18. How many people are on your links list?
A lot. I have some listed here on my blog, a lot more in my Sage feeds and even more in my bookmarks.

19. How many people on your links list do you know in real life?
Having met them in person, a few.
Having known them via email for more than a year, a few more.

20. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of my laptop’s cooling fans whirring. And myself typing.

21. Most recent movie you watched:
That god-awful “Team America” movie. Ugh.

22. Name 5 things you have with you at all times:
Chapstick and my prescription sunglasses (during daylight hours, at least) and generally my ID. Otherwise, nope.

23. Would you rather give or receive a foot massage?
Receive. Oh god, there is nothing better than having my feet massaged. *drool*

24. Name a teacher you had the hots for:
Mr. Robinson, my grade 3 teacher. He had an earring!

25. What is a saying that you use a lot?
Why must you force me to beat you?

26. What’s one piece of advice that you think should be passed on to every child?
It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. Go forth and make yourself happy.

Two days, no internet/telephone. Jesus.

As I whined to Coffee, earlier, “MY LIFE IS SO HARD!”
He wasn’t very sympathetic. Possibly because he, too, had no internet.

I joked that you’d all think the green-tinged rice krispy squares killed me.

There were 287 spam messages waiting for me in my inbox.
I feel the love, evil spammers.

My husband may disagree with me on this, but.. The only thing that could POSSIBLY make “Team America: World Police” even remotely funny would be if those krispy squares actually were chock full of pot. Holy crap. Seriously – did they give out goofballs at the theatre showings? How did it get so many good reviews?

More importantly: what were the people who CREATED this movie smoking?!

That was just fucked. I can’t believe I watched it.

Tonight, in honour of Friday the 13th, (not really, I just wanted to say that) we’re eating green-tinged Rice Krispie squares. I’m not quite sure why they’re green tinged, but Coffee claims he added the remnants of a bag of chocolate chips (which have been in the cupboard for a long while and which might explain the tinge somehow – but why don’t they taste like chocolate?) but they’re marshmallowy and buttery and I cannot possibly complain. Seriously though, not a drop of chocolate flavour – I feel kind of ripped off.

Of course, eating one before dinner wasn’t the best move on PIZZA NIGHT.

The rest of tonight will be subtitled, “Dana Holds Her Gut and Moans That She’s Full.”

Just a guess.

As it turns out, doing a big ol’ weight-lifting binge and following it with those crazy ladies from the Lotte Berk method? Not my smartest idea on a night when I’m supposed to be going to SnB for some serious knitting. I got in the shower and could barely lift my damned arms to scrub my face and head, and then could barely walk downstairs afterward. I’m… broken. I’m certain some part of me is getting stronger, but I’ll never know it because I’m perpetually as weak as a kitten. I mean, if I need to lift a car off of someone’s child, I’ll likely stand there muttering, “I *could* lift this if I hadn’t done all those stupid curls yesterday!” until someone shoves me aside. Weak as a kitten, I tell you.

At the same time, I can totally kick your ass when it comes to doing pushups – assuming we’re not gonna’ go much past 20.

FEAR ME!

Did you know that this is International Delurking week? When everyone is supposed to leave one of those, “I read!” comments in your blog, preferrably telling you where they’re from? Yeah. It is.

So, um. Y’know. Maybe you could all just, like, humour me? And leave a comment?

Okay. Better luck next year, right?

The original 11 Tips can be found here.

12. Be Sure You’re Finished.
The trick to being able to stand strong through all the rough times ahead is to be absolutely sure that you’re making the right decision. For some people, it’s as simple as waking up – they know it’s time. They just know. For others it means going through counseling (marital or individual or both) and talking a lot and reading books and researching details. It means giving serious discussions one more try with your spouse. It means being clear and blunt and open about what’s gone wrong in the marriage in the hopes that your spouse will want to make changes with you. It means being absolutely, positively, unequivocally certain that you’re finished on the day you file for divorce. Once you initiate the process, it’s very much unlikely things will improve, but you don’t want to look back in a month or two and wonder “what could have been” if you’d only tried a bit harder, been a bit more honest, or given things a chance.

13. Photocopy Everything.
Even before you break the news to your spouse, while you’re still pondering how/when/where, start making copies of every important paper. It’s particularly important to do this before they (or you) leave the house with boxes packed full of ‘stuff’. For most divorces, it’s necessary to fill out financial paperwork to show assets and liabilities. You need to know account numbers and pension details and all the bits and pieces of your payroll deductions. You need to know what’s still outstanding on your car loan, your mortgage and how much is sitting in your retirement fund. This is also a good time to get official copies of your marriage certificate, birth certificate, and any other important documents. While your spouse is (hopefully) not likely to destory paperwork that they will also need in the future, they may not be keen on meeting up to exchange details or allow you to return to the apartment to dig through a filing cabinet a month later. In pulling this information together, you’ll be better prepared for #14, too.

14. Know Where You Stand.
Ideally, you have enough money saved up in your own bank account to support yourself for at least a few months – even if you’re gainfully employed. If you’re going to be moving to a new place, you need to take into account the cost of having various services hooked up (cable, internet, etc) and the cost of first-and-last rent. You need a buffer of money to be sure that you can pay for a retainer on a lawyer, and for any miscellaneous expenses that come up during the divorce. Borrowing money from friends and family should be a last-ditch resort, since some of those connections will take your lack of funds as yet another reason to convince you to stay with your spouse. Keep in mind that if you’re likely to pay support to a spouse/kids in the future, it’s a good idea to live below your current means lest there be a huge shock when you have to give up some of your income each month. Similarly, if you’re expecting to get a huge amount of support from your spouse when you leave, don’t count on it – live within your means. It’ll save you a lot of stress in the first few months if you’re not constantly scrambling for cash. How much money should you put aside? As much as you can, literally.

15. There Is No Good Time.
Assuming your relationship isn’t absolutely unbearable (and most aren’t), your first instinct for breaking the news to your spouse will be to wait for a ‘good time’ to arise. This typically means avoiding major holidays (Christmas, for example) and birthdays. All good, but what about your kid(s)’ birthday? Valentine’s Day? Your wedding anniversary? Father’s Day? Mother’s Day? Easter? The weekend you normally spend at the cottage? If it’s over, it’s over. It’s going to be hard no matter what day you choose to bring up the subject – and the first few special dates after that will be known as “the first Christmas without X” and “the first birthday I celebrated without X” no matter what day you choose. Don’t be an asshole about it, but realize that you can’t pick the ‘perfect day’ because it doesn’t exist.

16. Pick Your Battles Wisely.
It’s tempting to turn everything into a raging battle – especially if your spouse is being a dink (which is subjective, of course). Take the high road. Repeatedly ask yourself what your goal is – to make your spouse miserable, or to be free to live your own life? – and act accordingly. Chant, “karma” over and over if needed. You’ve read the stories of people fighting for years over the Ikea cutlery – don’t be that person. Be willing to part with anything that isn’t filled with your own family history. It’s okay to insist that you retain ownership of the antique clock that belonged to your grandfather. It’s stupid to be clingy about something you can replace very easily with a small investment. Does your spouse love to cook while you prefer takeout? Don’t fight with them over the expensive cookware. It seems straight-forward to say this – but people get twitchy about really weird things. If you’re recently married (in the past few years) a good tip is to divide wedding gifts by who gave them to you – your parents gifts go with you, the gift from your spouse’s sibling goes with them. The more willing and flexible you are on letting things go, the easier things may be in the long run. You’re saving yourself stress, but you’re also putting out a tiny bit of goodwill to your spouse by letting them leave with items that are important to them for whatever reason. You’re not engaging in stupidity, and you’re not making your spouse more rabid about ‘getting back at you’.

Many moons ago, I used to buy magazines and gum every single day on my way into the office where I worked, in downtown Toronto. I’d get off the subway, climb the stairs to daylight (street-level) and cross the street to get into the little corner store with the very nice man behind the counter. Although I was living with my boyfriend at the time, and although I found the very nice man completely unattractive, it didn’t stop him from flirting wildly with me in a language he very well could have made up.

As time progressed, and he watched me spending every last penny I earned on his well-stocked magazine racks (I have diverse reading tastes), he began to grow even friendlier. Some mornings he’d come around the counter to hand me the bag. Other days he’d pat me on the shoulder when I walked into the store. He was never over the line with his flirting, and I found it a nice way to start the day. My boyfriend wasn’t exactly calling me hot-stuff in the mornings before work, so the little boost before I stumbled (late) into the office was a perk.

One morning I arrived to find him looking suspiciously coy – as I perused the magazines, he motioned for me to come over to the counter. He reached up to a shelf and pulled down a very large white plastic bag containing a very large number of magazines. I looked inside, wordlessly, and noticed the covers had all been removed. He winked and said, “Free! Free for you!” with a very large grin on his face. As it turns out, they were all magazines I had not picked up in the past few weeks (clearly he was attentive to my reading), and they were at the end of their run. As such, he would normally have thrown them out – but he saved them up for me. I grinned back at him, and was rewarded with a peck on the cheek as I left the store.

On arriving at the office, I placed the bag of magazines under my desk and popped the gum into my mouth. I made appointments and answered phone calls and did the usual busy-work. When 10am rolled around, I pushed back my chair and rummaged through the stack of magazines to see what was inside – Dog Breeders Monthly, Hot Rod, Poetry Life (I may be making up these titles, but you get the gist of it). There was also a fine selection of Playgirl.

I had never seen Playgirl. I didn’t even know it existed anymore – I thought it was a 1970′s thing. This was in 1996. I started to giggle.

My magazine man never mentioned the Playgirl, and neither did I, but it was always part of the ever-changing selection of magazines he provided me at the end of the month. I always got a kiss on the cheek, a friendly goodmorning, and a little bit of spark for my day. Sadly, my friend was transferred to another store – one that might as well have been at the end of the earth.

I always wondered if he found another magazine-lover to ply with naked men pictures.