Distance.

As Coffee works at finding a job, there’s very little I can do to help him – he’s got the job-search links, he’s got the resumes spiffed up, he’s pretty much aware of the cities in which he can reasonably look for work (Hamilton, Burlington, Oakville, Mississauga, Toronto, Guelph, Kitchener/Waterloo..) For now, my primary job is to stay out of the way, to not distract him, to leave the room when I feel my urge to chitchat overtake me. It’s a simple job, but easier said than done at times. I’m a chitchatty whore.

For two days I’ve spent the afternoon tucked into library books upstairs while he taps away on the laptop and gnaws off his fingernails. I feel disconnected, to say the least, but it’s probably a good way to ease myself into his daily absence. I’m getting some good solid reading accomplished (at least 2 books a day) and Coffee is able to do what he’s gotta’ do in the meantime. If I have to do this every day for a while, I’ll survive just fine.

It’s funny, though, how I struggle with what needs to be done (the finding of a job, and the leaving-alone of Coffee in the meantime). I can be rational. I really can. But at the same time it feels like loss – because it is – and I kind of need to be honest about that too. It’s hard shifting from spending all day, every day together, to being in the same house but moving through different processes. It’s hard not to burst out with random thoughts. (Earlier today while reading a magazine, I noted aloud that Sheryl Crow has cancer and Coffee looked up at me, scowled and replied, “okay” before lowering his head again. I realized that it was time for me to leave the room.) It’s hard not to tackle him spontaneously. I’m trying, anyway. I realize his job right now (looking for work) is harder than mine (shutting the hell up) on pretty much every level.

His efforts are paying off to some extent – he’s had interest in his resume and is scheduled for an interviewy-thing tomorrow at 1pm EST. Feel free to send good vibes – there’s a written test involved. I’m completely confident that he’ll kick ass – he’s less so, of course, in his guarded Coffee-like manner. If this doesn’t pan out, there are other opportunities waiting for him – and I will do my best to keep my lips zipped while he persues them, too.

Change sucks, as I mentioned in a previous posting. I am trying to manage the suck as best I can.