May 2006

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Blogger Joseph Cannon has uncovered evidence that George W. Bush may be the grandson of the infamous occultist Aleister Crowley. On his website at http://snipurl.com/pler, Cannon says there’s a distinct possibility that Bush’s mother, Barbara Bush, was conceived during a ritual tryst between Crowley and her mother Pauline in 1924. I’m not sufficiently informed on the matter to ascertain if it’s true, though I can’t help but note the strong physical resemblance between Aleister and Barbara. I bring this up because it’s an excellent time for all of you Cancerians, including the current American president, to delve into the mysteries of your past. Secrets that have always been hidden are more likely to pop into view than ever before. If you’re listening, your ancestors have clues to reveal.

(Freewill)

Cancer (June 21-July 21) I like Kelis, but something’s missing. I was pleasantly surprised by her first single, and I even defended that “Milkshake” track and the ridiculous video for her new song, “Bossy.” Upon reflection, however, I always find she’s not that exciting, that it’s all flash and parlor tricks. This will resemble your sex life this week. Experiences that initially seem great will leave you with a feeling of nagging incompleteness. Use the increased insight you’ll develop midweek to figure out whether this is just neuroses or a genuine problem with your lover’s milkshake.

(Nerve)

Step one is to find something comfortable to wear – this is not the time to break out those jeans that cut into your gut when you’re sitting. This is the time to find soft, jamma-like pants with a drawstring and no real structure. Shorts are good. Bare feet are essential. A ponytail if your hair is long. Tank-top or that see-through t-shirt that you should have tossed out long ago because it’s just plain obscene with its inability to hide nipples, your bellybutton or any hair that may or may not be growing in your armpits. If you’re not already doing it, this is the time of year to go commando. Who needs extra layers?

Step two is to choose an appropriate location for your sitting-still. It is tempting to plunk your ass down on top of the A/C vent, of course, but that will give you frost-bite very quickly and you’ll end up moving in order to warm yourself. Then you’ll return a few minutes later overheated again and, eventually, you’ll be totally worn out from an entire day spent moving onto and away from the vent. I recommend that your chosen location be soft and upholstered in a fabric that wicks sweat or is, at the very least, not made from vinyl. It is helpful if your location is near a bathroom, a source of food/water, and has wireless internet. If you do not have A/C in your home it’s time to make friends with someone who does – and you really should have started compiling a list of friends with A/C long before the hot weather arrived. “Do you have central air?” is a really good conversation starter at parties, Christmas gatherings and other people’s birthday celebrations. When you ask people that question in the summer they tend to look shifty and make some comment about having it but never turning it on. They KNOW you intend to ‘visit’ and stay there LONG past the time you wear out your welcome and that you won’t bother with polite conversation while you’re fanning your half-naked body on their sofa. Ask around at Christmas, then make plans to get together “for a beer sometime this summer” and you’ll be set to move in on the first hot weekend.

Step three is to move only when you absolutely need to and, even then, move only with tiny steps that fool your body into thinking it’s still stationary. For this reason, it’s important that you assemble all your supplies BEFORE you sit down. A big stack of library books, a glass of ice water (or two), a laptop, a television remote control, a notebook and pens and, if you’re feeling sassy, a collection of granola bars to keep you from wasting away are really all that you’ll need. If the phone rings, ignore it. If the doorbell rings, ignore it.

Step four is to set the dogs free – free! – if they whine about not getting enough attention, not enough ‘walking time’ and about the fact that your feet are resting in their water bowl. (It keeps the toes cool!) Dogs will try to convince you that they are HOTTER than you because they are wearing fur coats and can only sweat through the pads of their feet and some complicated method involving panting and drooling on you. They are liars and they are laughing at your discomfort in the heat. Just set them free.

Now, sit there. Do not move until September. You can email me – I’ll be right here in my ugly shorts and tank top.

Lately, for whatever reason but probably a result of something fatal, I have been feeling… sociable.

I know!! I’m as stunned as you are! I’ll tell you what. Let’s not make any rash or sudden moves and I think we can get through this.

Being the social butterfly that I suddenly am I met Tammie at Whole Foods in Oakville yesterday. We chatted as we walked up and down the aisles, and that’s probably going to tide me over for a few weeks. (Like I said, no rash or sudden moves here people!)

I came home with chunks of smoked salmon (and some other assorted items). The salmon was, in theory, for enjoyment by my husband but instead of letting him eat it I’ve been sneaking into the kitchen to pop it into my mouth. Better than candy, people. Better than candy. If it wasn’t, I dunno, $400 for the small package? I’d be buying it weekly. I’d WALK to Oakville to pick up the chunks of salmon and the Green & Blacks “Butterscotch Luxury” chocolate bars that I foresee myself addicted to in the near future because MY GOD that shit kicks ass. As much as I like food – in general – I have a wicked soft spot for food that makes me weak in the knees. And the smoked salmon and butterscotch chocolate bars make me weak ALL OVER. Downright wobbly.

I’m drooling right now just thinking about it. God.

Today looks as if it will be busy – I’ve got some writing to finish up for a client, lemon juice to purchase for my tabbouleh, dogs to wrangle outside in the excessive heat (followed, I suspect, by a nice cold shower) and various things to tidy up around the house. Clearly I will need that salmon to sustain me. And the chocolate, too. Let us not forget the chocolate.

According to the weather network web site, the current temperature is 28C with humidity around 66%, thus making it feel like 37C (or, 98.6F) outside. Later on, it’ll be 32C feeling like 39C (102.2F).

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether you express that in C or F, it’s just fucking hot.  I don’t DO hot. I do “air conditioned” and I do “cold” and I do “wearing layers” but I do not do HOT.  Luckily, the dogs don’t “do” hot either. We walked slowly around the block – me dripping in sweat and them dragging their tongues behind them – and returned home to collapse on the tile floor. All three of us panting and hot and miserable from the trip.  I’ve recovered enough to throw my body onto the sofa and will soon hit the shower. The dogs, well, they have not yet rebounded. I can hear them panting from across the room. That, at least, is a blessing. Quiet, exhausted dogs.
My brain feels melty. I am almost wishing I had one of those ‘job’ things so I could sit in an overly A/C’d office and stare into space. Almost.

The sad thing is that it’s not even JUNE yet and I’m already complaining. It’s not even JUNE and it’s already in the 30s. Dear God, this doesn’t bode well, does it?