How to Stay Cool.

Step one is to find something comfortable to wear – this is not the time to break out those jeans that cut into your gut when you’re sitting. This is the time to find soft, jamma-like pants with a drawstring and no real structure. Shorts are good. Bare feet are essential. A ponytail if your hair is long. Tank-top or that see-through t-shirt that you should have tossed out long ago because it’s just plain obscene with its inability to hide nipples, your bellybutton or any hair that may or may not be growing in your armpits. If you’re not already doing it, this is the time of year to go commando. Who needs extra layers?

Step two is to choose an appropriate location for your sitting-still. It is tempting to plunk your ass down on top of the A/C vent, of course, but that will give you frost-bite very quickly and you’ll end up moving in order to warm yourself. Then you’ll return a few minutes later overheated again and, eventually, you’ll be totally worn out from an entire day spent moving onto and away from the vent. I recommend that your chosen location be soft and upholstered in a fabric that wicks sweat or is, at the very least, not made from vinyl. It is helpful if your location is near a bathroom, a source of food/water, and has wireless internet. If you do not have A/C in your home it’s time to make friends with someone who does – and you really should have started compiling a list of friends with A/C long before the hot weather arrived. “Do you have central air?” is a really good conversation starter at parties, Christmas gatherings and other people’s birthday celebrations. When you ask people that question in the summer they tend to look shifty and make some comment about having it but never turning it on. They KNOW you intend to ‘visit’ and stay there LONG past the time you wear out your welcome and that you won’t bother with polite conversation while you’re fanning your half-naked body on their sofa. Ask around at Christmas, then make plans to get together “for a beer sometime this summer” and you’ll be set to move in on the first hot weekend.

Step three is to move only when you absolutely need to and, even then, move only with tiny steps that fool your body into thinking it’s still stationary. For this reason, it’s important that you assemble all your supplies BEFORE you sit down. A big stack of library books, a glass of ice water (or two), a laptop, a television remote control, a notebook and pens and, if you’re feeling sassy, a collection of granola bars to keep you from wasting away are really all that you’ll need. If the phone rings, ignore it. If the doorbell rings, ignore it.

Step four is to set the dogs free – free! – if they whine about not getting enough attention, not enough ‘walking time’ and about the fact that your feet are resting in their water bowl. (It keeps the toes cool!) Dogs will try to convince you that they are HOTTER than you because they are wearing fur coats and can only sweat through the pads of their feet and some complicated method involving panting and drooling on you. They are liars and they are laughing at your discomfort in the heat. Just set them free.

Now, sit there. Do not move until September. You can email me – I’ll be right here in my ugly shorts and tank top.