Go Your Own Way.

It is my humble opinion that a good life must be filled with questions. Why do I do the things I do? Why don’t I do other things? Why do I feel this way? Why don’t I feel that way? A therapist in my past once commented that I was very self-aware, to which I responded, “Isn’t everyone?” I realize, now, that most people aren’t. That realization is affirmed with stunning regularity.

Although I have been accused of being self-centred – to varying degrees at varying times – I assert that this is mandatory and not frivolous. All we have in life, really, is ourselves. While we marry or partner with people we love, and while we have friendships and lovers and strangers to chat with, the only consistent presence is the self. When I’m left alone for any period of time, the only company I’ve got is my own mind, and it seems like a good idea to know what that mind is all about.

That introspection is what allows me to be a decent person. It won’t permit me to settle for anything less than what I need and want from life. It doesn’t allow me to simply ‘go with the flow’ for more than a brief period without getting itchy and wanting more. And it’s what keeps me looking around for more. For every thought or idea I have, there is a little voice that shouts, “Why? Why THAT?” and forces me to ponder my own motivations.

Another therapist asserted that examining the past could only take one so far in healing – that there comes a time, eventually, when one must say, “The past is over!” and begin to construct a new existence from the proverbial rubble. It is interesting, of course, to ponder how one came to be in the place one is, but it’s not crucial to mending the tears. Instead, it’s important to have the ability to dust yourself off, pick yourself up, and shove the past into a dark closet with a securely bolted door. I both agree and disagree with this idea. I agree that wallowing in the past isn’t particularly healthy, but at the same time being aware of the past allows one to avoid the same mistakes, to recognize why perceptions and ideas exist as they do, to have a more solid footing to make the appropriate changes and begin to grow.

Some have said that my anger toward my mother is useless. She’s dead, which means I can’t resolve the problems, and she’s not coming back, which means I can’t expect to gain a lot of new insight into her behaviours and actions and thoughts. Does it make sense to ruminate on the past, in this instance? Probably not. Does it make sense to examine it, question it, see how my own behaviours and thoughts stack up? Absolutely. That’s what I do – not just with regard to her, but in reference to everyone and everything. I need to learn from my own mistakes, of course, but I also need to learn from others’.

Everyone who touches my life in even a small way brings a new sort of insight. The woman at the grocery store who I spoke with for six seconds causes me to question my perceptions on ageing, to think about what kind of person I want to be when I’m eighty, to wonder why I like certain brand of yogurt best and refuse to try the other. After an appointment with my doctor to discuss a simple medical issue, I ponder my future health, how to maintain it, what medical school is like, what it must feel like to immigrate to another country and not speak the language, to ponder how one chooses to be a general practitioner, how it feels to touch strangers’ bodies all day, what it’s like to go home to his family at the end of the day.

Even the comments in my blog pop up a thousand new questions in my head. How did the person choose their nickname? Why did they select that location for their blog? What’s it like to live in their country or work their job or have their disability or experience their childhood?

My life is filled with questions.

At times, I know, it seems as if I question too much. There are days when I wish I could simply sit still and accept what happens rather than complicating the situation by trying to see every side of the coin. There are days when I wish I could simply say, “It is what it is” and wander off to eat a cookie with my mind a peaceful blank space. I can’t do it. I can’t toss the hamster off the wheel.

It’s a curse and a blessing. A curse because it causes me to empathize too strongly and, sometimes, to grow frustrated too quickly. I observe someone I care about making choices that seem, to me, to be completely lacking in introspection. I wonder if s/he has questioned why things happen the way they do, why patterns repeat, why this or that doesn’t work out. I forget that most lessons have to be learned the hard way in order to make sense. I remind myself that it’s much easier to make pronouncements on someone else’s life than it is on one’s own. Sometimes, though, I attack Coffee with statements that start, “What the hell is WRONG with people? Why do they…?” and he reminds me, again, that introspection is not something everyone embraces. It’s easier in many ways to go through life doing only the things we are told to – rather than figuring out what’s really best for ourselves. Just follow the path: birth, childhood, dating, work, marriage, babies, retirement, death.

It’s a blessing, as I said, because it keeps me on my toes. I know where I stand, at any given time, on issues like marriage and sexuality and money and work and feminism. I know enough to never say never – that my thoughts will shift and change as I learn more. Nothing is set in stone; everything is fluid. Black and white no longer exists, even as I’m certain about an opinion I hold. Every time I assert that “this is the way things are” I’m smacked in the face with a thousand questions that contradict my assertion.

It’s strange that so many people don’t question themselves with any regularity, and that they assume things cannot change. People in miserable marriages turn blind eyes to the idea of happiness on their own. Marriages, themselves, happen because “it’s what you’re supposed to do”. Children are born because married couples are supposed to have kids. Students attend school to get a degree in something they feel no passion toward simply because it’s a career that makes “good money” and, of course, “good money” is what life is all about. People refuse to take chances and ask questions that go against the grain, and I wonder how they sleep at night. How can you live a life unquestioned? How can you be comfortable going with “what society says”?

I like living my life intentionally and, for all my empathy, it’s nearly impossible for me to imagine living differently. I don’t want to subscribe to someone else’s idea of what a ‘good life’ is. I don’t want to fall into stereotypes and gender roles and doing things simply because “I should”. I don’t want to compare myself to anyone else and repeatedly ask if I measure up. I am learning to be amused, instead of angry, when someone insists that I be prodded back into the general herd of sheep. I am learning to laugh when someone tries to point me toward the path to happiness with no understanding of who I am and where I want to go.

I just wish it were acceptable to wander the world with a pointy stick, observing people who go with the flow and occasionally jabbing them while shouting, “IS THIS REALLY WHAT *YOU* WANT?’ Of course, then I’d be just like them, wouldn’t I?