I’ve always described the inside of my mind and body as being a bit like a blazing fire. Energy and passion and sparks of enthusiasm. Certain things would always stoke that fire and passion – an urge to try something new, an urge to travel, an urge to dance/sing/shout. Sometimes the flame would fade a little and I’d need to add some kindling and things would bounce right back to a full-burn.
Lately I feel like the inside of my mind and body is a cool, dark cave. Not unpleasant or terrible, but a bit like my passion and enthusiasm is curled up in a comfortable spot and entering hibernation. I don’t feel depressed, but I don’t feel the usual drive and motivation to explore the world. I feel peripheral to everyone and everything, but not in a way that makes me feel desperate. I feel a little bit hollow.
I can’t figure out how to rekindle the inner glow. I’m not sure how to proceed. Meh.
Maybe it’s part loneliness and part limbo. I don’t know what’s coming next and I feel reluctant to engage.
Maybe I just need some chocolate?
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Edited to add:
Let’s be honest: I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing. I’m wandering aimlessly. I don’t want to find a corporate job just to add direction to my life, and I don’t want to give up the freedoms I’ve got. I can’t bear the idea of dedicating myself full-time to stereotypical ‘wife’ things like cooking and cleaning and doing laundry (although I do those things) but I feel like I’m just wasting all the time in the world by not having some passion crackling inside me. I have a heap of projects and creative stuff and ideas to play with and none of it provokes me in any way, shape or form. I NEED PROVOCATION.
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Hi,
I found your website through a link on Tanya’s site a few weeks ago and I’ve been reading every day ever since. I’ve enjoyed reading about your adventures. I especially like the fact that you write every day, since some of my other blogging friends are a bit, shall we say, lax in their blogging duties.
I thought that this entry was begging for a comment, so I am delurking for a second to tell you what I think.
When I find myself in a rut, a wee bit of travelling usually gets my head into a better place. Just getting away for a week or so gives me the perspective I need to take the next step.
I know what you mean about not wanting to take a high powered job, but perhaps there is another kind of job out there that will give you satisfaction AND let you lead the kind of life you want to lead. When I was looking for direction a few years ago, I found the book “What Colour is Your Parachute” to be quite helpful in getting my head sorted out. As with all self-help books, you need to figure out which parts to read and which parts to skip, but in general it was a good source of direction for me.
Or, if you and your husband are financially sound and don’t need to work, perhaps there is some volunteer work that you could draw yourself into. Nothing gets the spirit moving like a good cause.
Not sure if any of this is helpful, but I just felt like I should say something because I have been in that rudderless, sparkless boat before and I just wanted someone to give me a nudge in the right direction.
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You need to experience something new, but I don’t think you have to travel far or wide to do it.
I like to pick up a camera, a notebook, or a sketchbook and head downtown. I visit the art gallery. I drink coffee. I pretend like I’m a sponge absorbing the world around me.
And I take all day to do it. Ninety per cent of the time this will bring me back to my original sparkly headspace. Good luck with it.
p.s. to answer the question in your other post… me: I prefer replies to my comments emailed. It saves me the return trip. :)
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I agree with these suggestions too! Perhaps staying at home is leading to a feeling of being disconnected. I always complain about being too busy, but then when I find myself not doing things I get stir crazy. I like to have things scheduled somewhat. So I’m always planning things. Once the new semester begins I plan on taking a french class and two dance classes a week. This is on top of working full-time and taking care of my mini zoo. I would suggest taking classes. I always find when I am not learning, I feel somewhat lost and very unmotivated. You could do a few different things, like creative work, theory, and physical. There’s so much to choose from! Pottery classes, sewing, Dragon Boating, canoeing, writing, herbology, painting nudes, agility :) …
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