July 2006

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Dreamy.

My ideal weekday would start with no alarm clock, of course, and with my body waking up to the perfect amount of sunshine leaking through the drapes in the bedroom. I’d come downstairs to drink a mug of excrutiatingly hot coffee (and dutifully swallow my anti-crazy pills) then I’d eat a breakfast of smoked salmon, bocconcini cheese and whole wheat toast drizzled with butter – all while reading a paperback small enough to hold in one hand. Fiction. Lighthearted, but with a good moral to the story.

I’d take the dogs for a walk in perfect weather – cool, sunny and with a strong breeze – and we’d stop along the way so they could sniff trees and flowers and bark at strangers. We’d return home full of energy, and as the dogs drank water and sniffed around, I’d spend some time letting the rats free-range in an open, clean, cool room. I’d spend at least an hour watching the finches in the aviary listening to them beep and chirp.

For lunch I’d eat something simple – my cabbage sammiches, most likely – with a big glass of freezing cold water. Again, with the book in my hand. Then I’d make my way to the local stationery store to poke at cards and notebooks and journals. I’d pick out a few for gifts and a few for myself, then stop at the coffee shop next door for an iced drink to savour on the way back. I’d swing by the little bookstore in Burlington, too, before coming home. I might buy a book or two, but I’d probably just browse.

In mid-afternoon I’d find myself absorbed by something creative – something with colours and textures and crisp lines. Halfway through the project I’d stop to wash my hands and brush my hair before heading out to meet a friend for dinner at a place on the edge of Lake Ontario. A place with opened windows and a beautiful view. We’d eat onion rings and watch the seagulls floating above the waves, we’d laugh and gossip and make plans for the following week. Maybe a movie?

As the light faded, and as the lake disappeared behind our own reflections in the windows, we’d hug each other goodbye and laugh a bit more before walking back to our cars. I’d know that Coffee would meet me at home – not too late to play some Tetris and tell each other about our days and snuggle up together. We’d laugh and talk and laugh more until we had trouble keeping our eyes open – and then we’d head off to bed together. Falling into a deep, dark, delicious sleep.

All Day Long.

Every day, Coffee leaves the house at 10am. I release the dogs and tidy up the kitchen and eat some breakfast and then the day looms interminably in front of me. It will be 12 hours before he returns; it will be 12 hours in which I am left to entertain myself. As it turns out, and as I’ve come to realize with considerable regularity, I am not particularly good at entertaining myself. While alone everything feels heavy. I can’t work up the enthusiasm to work on the various projects I want to work on. Instead I read and nap, read and nap, until it’s time to walk the dogs again after dinner.

I suddenly understand why people sit, sit, sit in coffee shops with wifi access – it’s not a requirement for conversation, it’s the transmission of energy brought by the physical presence of other people. The sound of life going on. The dogs, napping on the carpet, draw me into a motionless state. If I am honest, I feel no overwhelming need to socialize or converse or interact with the world in general. But it appears I require the energy the rest of the world brings to me – without it I seem to simply exist without thriving.

I’m not depressed; I know that’s the first opinion to form in your head. I’m not. My mood, save for PMS and the occasional crabby day, is stable and reasonable. I laugh. I sing in the shower. I send email to friends. I am not without pleasure or perspective. I simply feel as though I am standing still until my husband returns home. When the weekend comes I am infused with more joy and energy and enthusiasm than I have throughout the entire week while he’s gone. I absorb as much of him as possible whenever I’m given the opportunity and I notice his absence profoundly when he’s away. My husband is my best friend, yes, but he’s also my partner in crime. He encourages me to try things and do things and explore things.

I need – somehow – to find a source of energy and curiosity when Coffee isn’t home. I need to find a way to keep myself awake and alive and not simply counting the hours down until he returns to save me from this standstill. I just don’t know how to do that. As much as I enjoy email and books and staring into space – and they do chase away the time effectively, too – they don’t infuse me with passion or give me a spark of enthusiasm. My projects – things I want to work on – sit to the side until the weekend arrives and I am recharged by Coffee’s presence. During the week I barely glance at them.

As an only child, I spent most of my life alone – playing in my room, on the lawn, running across the sod fields to the forest. I had friends, of course, and I spent a good deal of time with them, but I was always able to entertain myself when they weren’t around. Where did that ability go? How did it happen that I can only seem to find my spark when there’s someone to share it with?

More importantly, how do I fix it?

True, That.

What is beautiful is not always good, but what is good is always beautiful. – unknown

This morning, coasting on a post-birthday-high, I decided not to bother cleaning up the house. I figured I’d do my Morning Pages (from “The Artist’s Way”) and then walk the dogs and lounge around being all loungey and not break a sweat. I may have taken a four hour nap at one point. I cannot confirm nor deny that one.

After dragging the dogs around the block post-dinner, I returned home a sweaty (and crabby) mess and decided that I should probably start cleaning up a bit. I didn’t do any sort of “cleaning” this weekend – no folding of laundry or washing of dishes. The vacuum wasn’t touched. Cleaning + Birthdays = Wrong Wrong Wrong. The house kind of looks like I haven’t cleaned it in.. um… years.

I put the dogs’ leashes away and considered where to start tackling the mess – albeit with a serious lack of enthusiasm for the endeavour – and then the doorbell rang.

On the other side of the door was Mote. MOTE! All the way from sunny British Columbia! MOTE! That’s right, The Omote Himself.

Mote! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

If it had been anyone else, I’d have suggested we venture to the Starbucks around the corner – just so we could breathe non-dog-haired air and so they wouldn’t be aware of the chaos that is my living room. But Mote? Hell no, he got dragged inside faster than he could say “Uh, hi!” It’s hard to believe, but we’ve been friends since 1991-ish, and though we obviously don’t see each other with any regularity it’s like we see each other daily.

Mote! In my house! Mote! Mote!

We had a great chat (actually, I just talked and talked and talked and talked and let him say about 6 words) and we made plans to meet up for lunch (he’s in town for a while!) and at no point did I lose him under a stack of library books. None of the dust-cougars mauled him. I consider this a success. Heeeeeeee! Mote!

Mote! In my house!

Hello! Happy Monday!

Why yes, it was a most spectacular weekend! How was yours? Did you do anything fun?

I did a lot of fun stuff. I mean, a lot. I ate a lot of cake.

I ate a lot in general, actually. Cake and sushi and chinese food and more cake and cake and ice cream and pizza and cake and did I mention cake? Oh, sweet precious cake. I also ate an entire package of smoked salmon just because I could. By the way, who knew that smoked salmon could be so addictive? It’s good that I don’t live closer to the source of said smoked salmon.

I opened presents! And I stayed up late and slept like a rock and read books and had sex and went swimming. I got hugged a lot, too. There was a very good massage and a lot of Tetris and I spent some time giddily kicking my husband’s ass at Combat Sudoku while cackling and shouting, “Oh, gosh, DID I WIN THAT? LET’S PLAY AGAIN! Wheeeeee!”. It was my birthday and thus he couldn’t punch me for being obnoxious.

There was a lot of happy email sent my way over the weekend – and this morning, too! – and Flippy even cartooned me. A girl could get used to this kind of attention, y’know.

People get all sheepish when they say “happy birthday.. sorry I’m late..” and as far as I’m concerned that’s insanity. Birthdays should, by all rights, be stretched out as long and far as humanly possible. For example, Sunday was the actual day I was born. I commenced the official “but it’s my birthday!” comments on Friday when Coffee got home from work. Today is Monday and I am still asserting that it’s “my birthday WEEK”. I say all of this in a shameless ploy to make you leave a “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” comment here in my blog, by the way. Was I subtle enough?

Birthdays ROCK.

Thag!

I love when the world has a sense of humour. I particularly love when the world of science has one.

This is the sort of news story that makes me want to swallow all the drugs in the world and go play because, clearly, I am missing out here.

I mean, seriously, BRIDGE TROLLS!

Dead Birds.

In honour of my birthday-weekend, I picked up four and a half cases of chicken carcasses. Although I called yesterday to see if there was anything available (and was told that they would be in sometime next week and to expect a phone call when they were ready) I stopped by the processing building to see if my Main Man was working.

My Main Man is a fabulously sweet man who doesn’t speak a lot of english, but who flirts shamelessly with me anyway – and who will provide me with boxes of chickens any time I happen to swing by the storefront. I walk in, bat my eyelashes, and he delivers the goods without question. I often wonder if he’s totally screwing over the people on the waiting list, or whether he just doesn’t like the woman who normally tells me ‘next week’. (She has a voice that sounds exactly like my ex-husband’s mother and it totally weirds me out..)

Today I asked for “at least one box” and he wheeled out a flatbed cart with 4 big boxes and one small. As he wheeled them out to the parking lot, we talked about how one goes about cooking and eating the chicken feet on display in the fridge counter (“Very fatty. Very. Eat one or two, NO MORE. Make sick!”) Then he loaded the boxes into my car, told me it was a beautiful car, asked how my husband was (with a wink) and told me to come back soon for more chickens. Unfortunately for him, 4.5 cases of chicken will last close to two months.

I had planned to spend the afternoon being a nakie-nerd and reading underneath the bedroom ceiling fan, but it appears that I will instead be tossing dead creatures into plastic bags for the next hour or two. I’ll spare you the photos this time, but feel free to read this entry if you’re wondering why I’m buying huge cartons of dead birds.

Edited to add:

3 bags x 10 birds
1 bag x 12 birds
23 bags x 9 birds
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27 bags and 249 total dead birds

*shudder* I should also note that we buy our chickens from a processing plant that brings in live birds every-other-day. There is a big demand for the “dog bones” as, apparently, the BARF diet has gained in popularity recently. It only feels like I’m buying black market chickens..


Happy Birthday to a man who always knew
how to party down with the best of them.
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Happy Birthday to a man who didn’t need a lampshade on his head to prove he was having a good time.

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Happy Birthday to a man who thought a kiss from his daughter was a fabulous birthday gift.
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Happy Birthday to a man who would take matters into his own hands if he felt you weren’t enjoying the party enough.
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Birthdays just aren’t the same without you. I love you.

Dear Diary,

This year, the first birthday gift that I received, early, was Coffee’s approval as a Permanent Resident of Canada. It is, without question, the happiest and best gift of my entire life. I’m not exaggerating in the slightest. The. Best. If I never received another gift for the rest of my life, it would be okay. Seriously.

The second (also early) gift was the maple leaf yin yang that Coffee had tattooed on his left forearm. He wanted something ‘Canadian’ to mark the occasion of his Landing. This was the tattoo he wanted, and I wanted him to have it now as part of the celebration. Knowing that he wouldn’t spend the money himself, I told him to please use the money he had saved for my birthday present to buy that tattoo. It’s nearly healed, save for a few dry parts, and once it’s all pretty again I’ll take a picture of it.

Today was not a very good day for me on a few levels, not the least of which is that I’m completely PMSy (read: weepy) and the fact that I screwed up some plans with Melle (totally my fault) and feel like a gigantic jerk for it. I was feeling overheated from dragging the dogs around the park and feeling nauseous due to the (over-)consumption of Cheeto-related corn products. I was exhausted from not sleeping as well last night. On and on.. Just not a great day overall.

But then.. tonight I received the third (also early) birthday gift, from my friend Kelly. Good things come in 3′s, right? Oh, most definitely.

Kelly sent me a box that was almost bursting at the seams and decorated with rat footprints, swirls, stickers, kitties and colourful wonderfulness. The contents of the box made me start grinning, and I kept holding things up to Coffee and shouting, “Look! OHMYGOD, MAGNETS!” and “Oh! Oh! The Artist’s Way! Oh!” and “Look! WOW!” over and over. He popped some bubble-wrap while watching. Jelly Belly beans! And those balls with the chimes inside that you roll in your hands — Coffee has a pair that are WAY too big for my hands and these are just right! OH! A birthday poster (which is on the fridge!) and.. WOW!

Tucked inside was a photo of the most beautiful watercolour that her Mom painted – I can’t wait to frame it tomorrow. And? Notecards with the same image. I had been admiring them when Kelly announced her Cafe Press store. I’m not sure I’ll be able to use the rat notecards, though. They’re just so gorgeous.

I was totally speechless. I mean, it was just beautiful and colourful and wonderful and, WOW, do I ever love birthdays. :)

Totally spoiledly yours,
Dana

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