September 2006

Last night, after much discussion, we decided that we will probably not take Nin to the Ontario Veterinary College next month. The tumors/growths on her thyroid are still there, and she is still my favourite little rattie, but neither Coffee nor I like the idea of experimental surgery. There are no case histories of rats with thyroid problems and there is no procedure in place to remove the lumps and anything they do will be spontaneous.

I just can’t do it to her.

We have a month to make that final decision, though, so I won’t cancel the referral until we get closer to the scheduled date. A month is a very long time in the life of a rat.

In the meantime, I’ll continue feeding her all her favourite foods and letting her snuggle up in my cleavage (which is, by the way, the best! place! ever! for napping) and I’ll keep filling her cage up with fantastic toys and things to destroy. She will continue to destroy those things and eat like a pig and snuggle in my cleavage and, if the time comes that she can’t do those things, we will help her to the great rat den in the sky.

It breaks my heart. It totally breaks my heart.

But I’m not going to tell her that, of course. I am going to keep referring to her as, “you little maniac!” and poking her in the belly every chance I get. If she figures out that she can get the sympathy vote, it’s only a matter of time (minutes, seconds..) before she’s eating only junk food, watching terribly un-educational television, and hanging out with the ne’er-do-wells outside the local convenience store. Chain smoking, no doubt. Convincing me that she NEEDS a new hammock (and perhaps a Barbie Corvette) because all the OTHER rats have one. And if I deny her? I’ll have to hear the, “But I’m sick! I might be dying!” wails. She’s like that – a rattie hooligan.

Anthropomorphization is both a curse and a blessing, lemme’ tell ya.

(Swiped from Mary)

1. What time did you get up this morning?
The alarm was set for 7:02am. We got up about 20 minutes later, I think. Mornings are kind of a blur for me, generally.

2. Diamonds or Pearls?
If I can only choose between those two, I’d go with diamonds. But I prefer ruuuuuubies.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
I have no idea. I’m pretty sure it was Clerks 2.

4. What is your favorite T. V. show?
It’s been a long time since I watched TV shows on TV. I’ll go with “The Ultimate Fighter” series.

5. What did you have for breakfast?
Cabbage sammich, of course!

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The vet called and said that Nin appears to have thyroid cancer – or, at least, thyroid ‘growths’ – and that he cannot treat her because he has no experience with thyroid issues in rats (and, actually, had never heard of rats having thyroid problems at all) and because there is no literature in the veterinarian database to give him guidance with the situation.

He is going to consult with a vet from the animal teaching hospital nearby to find out whether they might be willing to see her and help her. Coffee will pick up Nin this afternoon and talk about the situation. I have stated, clearly, that my only concern is Nin’s quality of life. I do not want her to suffer at all. I do not want her to be in pain for any length of time. And if that means we must say goodbye, well, then, I will say goodbye.

I’d like to start this whole day over again.

Last night we stayed up very, very late watching the last few episodes of “Rescue Me” (season 3) that we obtained via our Zip.ca membership. I have long-adored Denis Leary, but this show makes me want to devote myself to furthering his career to such an extent that it’s a bit awe-inspiring. It’s a phenomenal show. Really well written, really well produced, excellent acting, a fabulous combination of humour, romance, violence.. It’s fantastic!

I love watching television episodes on DVD. There are no commercials, you can pause or rewind as needed, and you can choose to watch a single episode or an entire season all at once. It’s how we’ve watched Rescue Me and The L Word, most recently.

I am so exhausted today that I feel hungover. Tired and wobbly and puffy and even a little bit nauseated. I suspect it’s not going to be a day of big achievements. I’ll consider it a victory if I manage to unload and reload the dishwasher with all our dirty weekend dishes before I curl into a little ball and start snoring.

Coffee (sleepily) took Nin to Kitchener this morning for her vet appointment. She’ll have the two little lumps on her throat checked out around 10am today. Please keep fingers and toes crossed – along with whatever other appendages you can spare. She’s such a wonderful little rat that the whole thing is so totally distressing.

What’s that? Why yes, I do know that rats only live a few years and are prone to lumps and bumps and frequently require surgery. But she’s the first rat I’ve ever owned and she’s my little Nin and.. anyway, just cross some appendages for her, ok? Coffee will email and let me know how it all goes – they may do surgery today or they may do it Friday if needed. I will update on this later.

On that note, I’ll just add that we had a lovely weekend full of errand-running and some bits of relaxation. I’m off to walk the dogs and eat some breakfast.

Have a good day, ok?

(Dammit, Jo, you’re killing me with these!)

1) Are your parents married or divorced?
Dead. My Dad remarried after my Mom died, but then divorced, sooo…

2) Are you a vegetarian?
No. I do favour non-meat alternatives, however, and eat very little meat.

3) Do you believe in Heaven?
In a roundabout way, yes.

4) Have you ever come close to dying?
Not that I’m aware of, but the panic attacks kind of made me feel like it.

5) What jewelery do you wear 24/7?
I have three CBRs in my right ear and five in my left; I wear my nose stud all the time; I have two CBRs in my inner labia (I lost one and haven’t replaced it!). When I leave the house I always wear my wedding ring and my Dad’s wedding ring, but I don’t wear them at home because I don’t want to ruin them. (My wedding ring is made up of a bunch of diamonds and some very large and beautiful coloured sapphires and I’m paranoid.)

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The most recent issue of Bust magazine contains instructions for making Dia de los Muertos sugar (and chocolate) skulls. Last year, around this same time of year, I got myself all worked up about wanting to make some after I came across the very same web site written about in the article. They not only sell finished skulls but also sell the various ingredients and supplies.

My enthusiasm has been reawakened, perhaps by Coffee’s industrious baking of chocolate-chip-cookies this morning, and I think I will head out to the Bulk Barn to see if they have the necessary ingredients and supplies or a reasonable facsimile. If all else fails, perhaps I will order the trays online later this fall and work to perfect my skills over the winter.

“I stuffed a bunch of stuff into the oven for storage while we’re showing the house! Don’t turn it on, ok?”

“Okay.”

[fast forward a month]

“Awwwww, shit.”

His little sharks
dark and blue,
silently swimming
calm and pleading

and they dare me
just me
to go much further
for them and for
their controlled and restrained
captivity

forced to anticipate
mercy
instead of flesh

I roll over and stare them down
as he presses himself
against my thigh and
whispers and moans

and like a shark
I bide my time
Waiting for him to tire

to sink beneath the surface
of the murky water
where I wait

I am not emprisoned
nor am I restrained
and some day

some day soon

I will catch his eye
and I will tell him

how close he came
to his own
sweet mercy

and I will tell him

we are all sharks
dark and blue
and waiting
for our prey.

This morning, while reading various blogs, I realized that there’s a lot of stuff I don’t write about here. A lot of stories, a lot of history, a lot of “things I once did” that I suspect will never be written down – at least not in a blog. And I started to ponder all the reasons why those stories don’t get to see the light of day when so many other things do grace this screen.

There’s always the fear of judgement, I suppose, as much as I pretend that judgement doesn’t bother me. It’s not what I’ve done that’s the problem – I don’t have any regrets – it’s more that I was a different person then. You don’t know that person, and hell, neither do I anymore. I accept her because I was there and I knew the circumstances. You? You’ll read it and apply her actions to the person I am now – unless I supply a good deal of explanation to back up my actions. But how do you explain away a decade’s worth of life?

I think about all the things I did that were stupid or illegal or just plain immoral and I think, “Wow, that’d be a great blog entry!” but first I’d have to tell you how I got to a place where those activities seemed normal and not stupid, illegal, immoral. I can’t explain any of it without sounding flippant, though.

I have friends from the past who played a huge part in my life, but their names will likely never (or infrequently) appear on this blog because to explain their presence in my life would require a novel’s worth of stories. Some of them I’m still in touch with on a regular basis.

I have no regrets. Let me say that loud and clear: I HAVE NO REGRETS.

But I view my past simply as a series of facts. Like recounting a timeline in history instead of a narrative. I can’t impose judgement on myself because, as I said, that person doesn’t exist anymore. I know why she did those things, I know all her dirty secrets, and I feel a strong need to protect her from other’s judgements. From you. She was a stupid, lost, fucked up kid in so many ways.

And man, she had FUN.

This morning I discovered a growth (tumor? cyst?) on Ninja’s throat. This makes today a pretty shitty day by default. I will be looking for a vet who has experience with rats – either in the Hamilton area or the Kitchener area. Nin doesn’t seem to be bothered at all and is running wildly around as usual, but she’s my favouritest rat and it breaks my heart. Please send good vibes in her direction.