Oooookay Then.

28 March 07 | No comments

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Soon the Lord will return and handpick 144,000 saintly people to ascend with him into his perfectly hygienic gated community on a flying saucer where all the bathroom fixtures are gold and the Internet is contained in magic miniature iPhones that the lucky 144,000 will have implanted in their brains for instant access to the Lord’s brain 24/7. And get this: YOU will be one of the 144,000! APRIL FOOL! The truth is, the Lord has already returned to earth in the form of a 14-year-old girl who lives in the Hell’s Kitchen part of New York City, and we’re all living in Paradise at this very moment. So no, there are no 144,000 saints who’ll get extra-special privileges. But the coming week *will* be very lucky for you, and you will enjoy at least one wonderful new perk.

(Freewill Astrology)