Kickin’ n’ Screamin’.

I resent all things good for me – and yet, when I embrace them, eventually, I feel wonderful. Why can’t I remember that?

What is it about my inner rebel that feels the need to.. REBEL against EVERYTHING? Yargh.

For example:

I feel better when I sleep well at night, yet I try very hard to resist going to bed most evenings. I’d rather stay up late and play Tetris or watch a movie with Coffee. I hate when the fun has to end – even though there’s a certainty of more fun the next day. I know how exhausted I will be if I don’t sleep and the alarm is set for 8am, but it’s difficult to remember that.

I feel better when I eat healthy foods, mixed with some junk food, rather than subsisting on a steady diet of convenience and cheese-strings. And yet, I have a hard time opening the box of rye pasta or tearing open a bag of salad and find myself reaching, yet again, into the cheese-string package.

I feel better when I drink more water – something easy to do when there’s a water dispenser in the dining room full of ice cold water – and yet I find myself reaching for a can of Dr. Pepper more often than I’d like. Or going around with a dry mouth.

I feel great when I spend time with friends – even just chatting online – but eventually I stop doing it and find myself sinking into the life of a hermit once more. And then, when I’m invited, I’m reluctant to engage again because oh, it seems like so much effort to be sociable. And then I do it and I feel great again. Why can’t I just skip the hermit part?

Y’know, I’ve always been an instant-gratification junkie – tied up with an ADD soul and an addictive personality – but my brain knows better. It knows better and yet, time and time again, I find myself veering off in the opposite direction of where I really want to go. I can almost feel a literally kicking and screaming inside my brain some days, fighting against my OWN CHOICES.

Why can’t I make consistently good choices? Why must half of my brain be childish and stubborn?