December 2007

When Coffee left this morning, Oldest One and I sat down to play a game of World of Warcraft – not the online version, but the card version.

It was my first time ever playing one of these card games – the kind where you get killed or destroyed or sic your army on other people’s army – and although he kicked my ass, I apparently played “okay”.

Okay enough that he insisted we play another game before his brothers woke up. So we did. And he kicked my ass again.

After the other two awakened (and I silently cursed them for their late start to the day) we ate a quick breakfast and headed over the sledding hill to try to wear everyone out a little.

Up and down the hill over and over…

Our neighbour Rita has one of her grandsons (Michael) over every Sunday and he came out to sled with us too. He and Middle One got along quite well so..

..we invited him over for lunch. What’s one more kid when you already have the chaos of three, right?

After they finished eating (Kraft Dinner with hotdogs and a big mug of hot chocolate) they all suited up again and, without my company, they ran back to the hill to continue the racing.

Middle One just arrived back home, complaining that his brother was “yelling” and is now guzzling down a can of pop and chewing a candy cane.

Oh, how these poor boys’ lives are gonna’ suck when school starts and we’re eating healthier again!

The other two just came in the door, snowy and cold, and now I need to find a way to entertain them for the hours until Coffee comes home for dinner. Phew.

But I’m still alive. I WILL SURVIVE.

When The Boys moved in, Coffee and I decided we’d wake up around the same time that they did.

It was partially for bonding purposes and, mostly, so we could keep an eye on them and supervise them as they got to know their new home.

We show them where the cereal is and how to get the Wii started and, generally, we make sure they’re not “into” something they shouldn’t be touching.

Meanwhile, Coffee and I chug caffeine like it’s water.

Oldest One was somewhat “parentified” when he came into care and we want to make sure he gets every opportunity to be a kid and not always have to look after the younger two.

Parentified behaviour means that he tends to be very vigilant about knowing where the other two are, what they’re doing, and won’t hesitate to direct them if he feels they’re not doing something they should. Much like a parent would, really, except that he’s 10 years old.

We let Oldest One do small amounts of the “parenting” because it provides him some comfort – he tells them to be “quieter” when we’re in the car and he reminds Middle One to say “excuse me” when he burps.

Kids usually regress slightly when they come into care and then again when they’re moved into an adoptive home. We’re letting Oldest One relinquish as much control over his siblings as he can each day. (And he knows that Coffee and I are the bosses!)

We’re not concerned about Oldest One’s safety in the house – he’s 10 and knows what’s allowed and not – but most mornings he’s usually tucked up in bed reading a book for a few hours after he wakes up.

It’s the younger two who think early mornings are wonderful and it’s the younger two we want to supervise at that time of day.

The living room (with the Wii) is directly above Coffee and my bedroom. As soon as one of the younger two wakes up and runs in there, Coffee and I hear them.

(All three boys walk like they’re trying to squish bugs. THUD! THUD!)

Since they moved in, we’ve been awakened at 8-ish (or earlier) every morning by the younger two. It’s been brutal because both Coffee and I are sleeping quite lightly these days – wanting to make sure we’ll hear if anyone upstairs is crying or upset – and we both wake up multiple times in the night.

Middle One has been having nightmares each night, too. That leads to more waking up.

Coffee had to go into work today – after a week+ off – and we set the alarm for 8:02am as usual. A few minutes later, Oldest One popped in to ask for a clean towel for his shower.

And the other two? The younger two? The ones who wake up at ungodly hours with their unbridled energy and enthusiasm for the brand new day?

THEY SLEPT UNTIL 10:30.

TEN FRIGGIN’ THIRTY!

I begged them, silently, all week long to let me sleep late on ONE morning. Just let me catch up a bit! And nooooooooo.. they had to pick TODAY to be late sleepers.

I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t call them “fuckers” under my breath.

Tomorrow, much to my horror and dismay, Coffee returns to work.

Granted, he only works 2 days this week – Monday and Wednesday – but I am rather terrified at the idea of being alone with.. the hooligans.

It’s not that they have terrible behaviour or that I’m anticipating any more chaos than we normally have.. it’s that I rather enjoy the support of having another adult in the house. He can snuggle a crying one whilst I chase another. He can watch one destroy something while I watch another destroy something else.

Have I mentioned that he’s a really good dad? He is. Totally.

There are moments when the three kids are running around like a hurricane when I’m sure my eyes look like a deer in headlights. And that’s when Coffee swoops in.

There are moments when I require some quiet time in my room – just to breathe – and Coffee is there.

And when I need a hug that doesn’t end in someone squeezing me and shouting, “TICKLE!”.. well, there’s Coffee!

Plus? Coffee has never sat on my lap for a ‘hug’, farted, and run away laughing.

So, it’s not that I’m expecting to be attacked by lunatics tomorrow. It’s just that I’m not 100% confident in my ability to “single parent”..

How many days until school starts??

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Since moving in with us, The Boys have had the chance to try assorted things that they haven’t ever tried before.

Little One, in particular, will be the first to say, “We didn’t have this at [foster mom]‘s house!” whether it’s a different brand of pre-shredded cheese or a type of cereal.

Little One is pretty happy to try some of these ‘new’ things and usually finds that they’re just as good as foster mom’s stuff – or better.

One of the things he likes “better” is All Bran.

That’s right. ALL BRAN.

He will giddily scarf down a big bowl.

Of ALL BRAN.

We went sledding earlier today and after a while Little One was just too tired to climb the hill after each slide. I left Coffee with the Middle One and Older One and brought Little One home for a quick snack.

When I offered him a cookie – a homemade oatmeal and chocolate chip cookie (made by Melle, that is)- he looked at me like I was insane and said, “NO! CEREAL!” and demanded a bowl of.. ALL BRAN.

And when it was done? He wanted more.

What an amazingly weird kid..

Little One has a Spiderman towel that he got to use last night after his bath. We bought it for him on his first night here.

It has a hood on the top and a Spiderman print on the back and, once Little One finished drying himself off, he put it over his face and ran around insisting that he was Spiderman.

Making this more entertaining is that Little One was wearing his pyjamas underneath the towel. These particular pyjamas are printed with “Spongebob Squarepants” – but not just a random pattern. Oh no. These pyjamas make it look like you ARE Spongebob when you wear them – the legs of the pants are Spongebob’s legs. The shirt is Spongebob’s, um, sponge-face.

While wearing this whole ‘outfit’, it kind of looked like Spiderman was dressing up as Spongebob. Or maybe vice versa?

Anyway, he ran around the house for a while insisting that he was “SPIDERMAN! SPONGEBOB! SPIDERMAN!” and making his brothers say, “Hello Spiderman! How are you today?” to which he’d reply, “I’M BETTER!”

(Better than what? I have no idea.)

When bedtime came he pulled the Spiderman towel/costume off and curled up in bed. He then insisted I put the towel over his head again (on top of the blankets) so he could be Spiderman while he slept.

It completely cracked me up that he wanted to sleep with a soggy towel.

One of the interesting things about adoption – if you can bite your tongue for a while – is listening to people’s theories, beliefs and ideas about the entire concept of “older child” adoption.

The majority of people seem to be under the impression that kids are only “taken” by the agency if the kids are being abused (physically). As a result, I’ve been asked many times (mostly by strangers) whether my kids’ “history of abuse” concerns me.

Our kids do not have a history of physical abuse. I am not concerned.

Now, of course, there’s a caveat. I didn’t live in the household they grew up in so I have no idea if their mother spanked them or slapped them on occasion. I don’t know if their older brother put the smack down sometimes or if there were out and out brawls on the living room floor.

But the agency does a very thorough investigation on all the children who come into care for any reason – in addition to the known problems or issues that caused them to “take” the kids.

Those issues may be abuse. They could also be physical or mental illness (on the part of the caregivers), financial catastrophe (kids go into care rather than being homeless), a short term issue that became long-term, a parent’s inability to handle a child’s needs (for a variety of reasons), drug or alcohol abuse…

The agency tries very hard to establish if there was physical, emotional or sexual abuse. Drug or alcohol abuse. Neglect. Inappropriate behaviour(s) around the children. Illegal activities.

They talk to the kids repeatedly, they talk to their teachers and doctors, and they talk to the extended family members whenever possible.

And all of their findings go into a file that documents every little detail that can possibly be documented. Black and white.

When we decided, with 99% certainty, that we wanted to adopt The Boys, Coffee and I were given time to read through the agency’s file.

We learned about the family history (including physical and mental health), illnesses, dental issues, the parents’ personalities, court dates, the condition their apartment was in, animals they had, schools they attended, places they hung out.

We viewed report cards and medical reports and, in short, we were given free reign of The Boys’ information.

It’s important that adoptive families be given all the information that exists. It’s not so much to scare people away from certain children – it’s to make sure that potential parents are aware of the ways in which the child(ren) will need help.

A child who’s been physically abused, for example, may need specific therapies or for a parent to be careful in physical contact so as not to scare the kid. They will need to learn proper ways to handle their anger instead of physically striking out.

A child who’s been sexually abused will need specific precautions taken so the child is not “triggered” further and so the child can learn healthy sexuality and healthy boundaries.

In our case, we discovered some issues that we need to work with and specific ways we can help The Boys grow into healthy, happy adults. We felt those issues were within our realm of comfort.

Is all of the information accurate? Well, YOU try geting straight answers out of a seven year old! The agency does the very best that they can given the situation. Sometimes birth families lie – they don’t want the agency to know how bad things were or the “wrong” that they did to their kids. They don’t want to talk about the illegal activities or the nights the kids were left alone. They minimize or trivialize some things.

But we did not see any abuse documented. The Boys have spoken about various physical altercations with their older brother but nothing that sounds abusive to a large extent. They have not disclosed any other form of abuse – physical or sexual.

The Boys are (properly, imho) protective of their mother and father and don’t talk much about them in the sense of behaviours or the past. They have not yet mentioned to Coffee or I why they were ‘taken’ into care. We know that conversation will come sooner or later. Could there be abuse hiding in there? Maybe.

We remind The Boys that they can tell us anything. That we like hearing stories about their birth parents and their older brother and all the good things that they remember. We also tell them that we won’t be shocked or upset by anything they tell us.

So far, no abuse.

But the unlikelihood of that abuse existing doesn’t stop everyone from stating that The Boys must be exhibiting a certain behaviour “due to the abuse” and it doesn’t stop them from reminding me to lock my door at night in case the kids come to murder us “due to the abuse”. And it doesn’t stop them from asking how we intend to handle “all the violence The Boys saw growing up.”

If I were not concerned with The Boys having their own history – a private one that they control – I’d totally want to shout out the reason why they went into care and how they became available for adoption. Instead, I simply smile and say, “Luckily, our boys weren’t abused!” and leave it at that.

Last night, Coffee and I were talking about my friend Michelle and her pregnancy. I mentioned something about contractions and Oldest One quietly asked what contractions were all about.

After a brief explanation of how a woman’s body knows it’s time to deliver a baby (i.e., contractions) he then asked what happens if the contractions start and the baby comes out too early. This led to a discussion about incubators and hospital stays and things like that.

Then he asked what happens if the baby is late. We talked about how there are medications to help start the contractions and how sometimes the doctors decide to do a “c-section” where they cut open the woman and take the baby out (and then sew her back up).

After that, he looked at us with the most serious and incredulous face and said, “I am SO GLAD I am not a girl!”

During the daylight hours, Middle One and Little One spend a lot of time requesting (and getting) hugs.

It’s my policy to NEVER turn down a hug – especially while we’re in the middle of the bonding and attachment process.

All day long they bounce between Coffee and I, shouting, “HUG!” or “I NEED A HUG!” and we immediately drop whatever we’re doing and get on with the hugging.

Sometimes I spontaneously hug them myself – SURPRISE! – and smooch them on the top of the head, too.

Quite frankly, I think this should be a mandatory policy in all families – even when there are no small children.

HUG!

While the other two are happily running around naked, shouting for hugs, farting randomly and being open and kid-like, Oldest One is a lot more aloof. He isn’t the sort of ten year old who comes galloping from across the room for a hug and he isn’t particularly comfortable with much physical attention.

His foster parents tried to say it was due to abuse (of which there is none in his file, his stated past, or his assessments – but which could, theoretically, have happened) but I think it’s that he’s 10 years old and a boy and, well, yeah. That kind of sums it up, right?

But still, I’ve worried. I want him to be well attached to us as he heads into the teenage years and, more importantly, I want him to grow up to be a guy who’s comfortable being affectionate with the people he cares about.

I was worried enough that I wrote an email to an adoption mailing list I belong to and asked for ways to be affectionate (physically) with him without him being made uncomfortable. It’s important that he have time to sort things out around here, though, and I didn’t want to overwhelm him.

Whether he knows it (or acknowledges it) – he NEEDS affection! We ALL do!

Turns out I didn’t need to worry.

We let Oldest One stay up a bit later than his little brothers each night. This usually means we sit on the sofa and watch a/some episode(s) of “Dirty Jobs” and get totally grossed out and laugh a lot.

The past few nights I’ve curled up on the sofa – wearing my jammas and a soft blanket – and Oldest One has sidled up beside me. He slowly but surely inches closer and closer until he’s leaning on me or resting his head on my shoulder.

And I’m paralyzed. No sudden moves! No big affection! Don’t scare him! I shift a little to make sure he’s comfortable and I offer him some of my blanket (which he always accepts) and.. we watch the show. Snugged up.

It takes all of my self-control not to grab him and wrap my arms around him in a gigantic hug.

Then, when the show is over, Coffee and I bid him goodnight and he gives us both a hug before he heads upstairs.

It’s one of the highlights of my entire day. Seriously.

Middle One claimed to hurt his wrist yesterday – beyond the scratch we could actually see.

Coffee gently wrapped it all up in an Ace bandage and, since then, Middle One has claimed not to be able to do his chores (clearing the table) or carry anything heavy.

We played along with this, thinking he wanted a bit more attention and, well, it’s not a big deal really. And, if it’s really bruised more than we can see, the bandage will help support it.

Whilst making these claims, however, he HAS managed to wrench the Wii controller away from Little One, fling stuff, fake-punch his older brother and giddily flail his arm.

I reminded him of how very, very sore that arm is supposed to be and he looked totally surprised that I had noticed. He quickly tucked his arm back against his body and said it still hurt a whole lot.

We both told him that he had to wait 12 hours after it STOPPED hurting before he could use it for anything fun. We don’t want it to get hurt MORE, right? And if it hurts enough that you can’t do chores or use that arm for anything, you totally cannot be goofing around. It needs to heal.

Every day we walk to the older boys’ new school so they’ll know the route and not get lost whenever the time comes that they walk there (and home) alone. It’s about a 20 minute walk – no big deal – and I will be accompanying them every day for a while. But we drag the sleds along to the new playground so they can get used to it ahead of time and we have a pretty good time on the climbers and slides and things.

So today, when it came time to go for our daily walk – and to go sledding – Middle One was STUNNED to learn that he was not able to participate in the sledding part. And that he did, in fact, have to accompany us on the walk to the school because he’s not allowed to stay home alone at the ripe age of 7.

He tried to tell us the arm was “just fine” (still bandaged) and had been for a while.

I then asked whether he was lying to us this morning when he said it still hurt. He remembered the “12 hour rule”.

I could see on his face that he was weighing the options.

If he said it still hurt this morning, he couldn’t go sledding.

If he said it DIDN’T hurt this morning then we’d know he was lying and we might be mad.

So he did the only thing he COULD do.. He burst into hysterical tears at the raging injustice of not being allowed to sled with his bandaged arm.

And he cried.

And he cried.

And he cried the entire 20 minute walk there.

And he cried the entire time he watched his brothers sled.

We explained to him that, as the parents, it’s our job to make sure he doesn’t get badly hurt. We have to take good care of him when he has a tiny hurt so it doesn’t get bigger.

He did not care one tiny little bit for this logic. He stomped his feet and he shuffled his feet and he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed while I hugged him.

When the other two were in the middle of their second trip down the hill, he announced that we “ALL need to go home” because he needed to pee. I shook my head – no way are we stopping the fun for the other kids! – and Coffee took him while I stuck around with the other two and let them go down the hill a few more times.

Once everyone was home safe and sound, Coffee and I reminded Middle One that if his arm doesn’t hurt for the rest of tonight (and when he wakes up tomorrow) he will, in fact, be able to resume sledding again.

And his chores…

(I’ve been working on this for, oh, four days? Swiped from the inimitable Ms. Shea)

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
Became a parent to 3 hooligans who are, as I write this, stomping around the living room. I have lost all brain cells for “memory” and cannot recall if there was something else I did this year that was new and fancy.. THIS is the biggest.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t really ‘do’ resolutions. So, really, no.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend Karen has a new baby. My friend Mary has a new baby. On top of that, Michelle is pregnant and so is Coffee’s sister.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Angela, a friend from WNET. Everyone else is still alive and well, and I am exceedingly thankful for that.

5. What places did you visit?
This year was spent close to home – still exploring our ‘new’ neighbourhood, new city and getting to know the lay of the land. We also spent a lot of time inside fixing things up and getting ready for the kids.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
I’d like to have more money – but I think that’s sort of a standard, life-long thing. We definitely had ENOUGH money last year.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I suspect December 21st will stick in my mind for a while. Ditto for December 27th.

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Finishing adoption training, getting all our background checks finished, and finally finding myself a Mom! It was a huge, long process.

9. What was your biggest failure?
There’s nothing I can think of, at all, that would be considered a failure this past year. It was a good year!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had some migraines, I had some colds, but nothing major.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Underpants for Little One, jeans for Middle One and a skull-covered hoodie for Oldest One.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Michelle for getting knocked up!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I don’t think anyone’s behaviour this year appalled me, but a few people have done stupid things (reliving the same patterns of stupidity) that depressed me somewhat.

14. Where did most of your money go?
This year? The Boys. From getting things ready for them to buying them presents, we’re in the “thousands and thousands of dollars” zone.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Adoption was, unsurprisingly, the biggest excitement.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Probably the (entire) latest Linkin’ Park CD. I love listening to it while I drive.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter
c) richer or poorer? Financially? Poorer!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
As I sit here, feeling totally exhausted, I’d have to say “sleep” – but, sadly, that’s not a cumulative thing. I really enjoyed the past year, so there’s nothing I could have done more of to make it better.

20. How did you spend Christmas last year?
Hanging out and relaxing with Coffee. My favourite thing to do!

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Over and over and over.. with the same guy.

22. How many one-night stands?
None whatsoever.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
I think my favourite new discovery was “Dirty Jobs” which I could totally watch all day long, every single day. Love that show.

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2007?
Spent the whole day with Coffee, of course!

25. What was the best book you read?
The one book that really sticks in my head was “No Speed Limit: The Highs and Lows of Meth” which was fascinating on a lot of levels.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I didn’t really expand my horizons musically this year, sadly.

27. What did you want and get?
A big herd of kids! And a new car.

28. What did you want and not get?
A suitcase full of cash…

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I didn’t see many movies this year. I really enjoyed Shortbus, though.

30. Did you make some new friends this year?
I made a few online!

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Nothing. The year went well.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Same as always – comfortable. Jeans, t-shirts, sweatshirts, jamma pants. I don’t “do” fashion.

33. What kept you sane?
My husband, vitamins, sleep..

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Eh, I think I’m too old to fancy any celebrities. They’re just people. I still adore William Shatner, though.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The disparity between the rich and poor and the myriad problems that causes worldwide.

36. Who did you miss?
My Dad. I have missed him desperately since we started the adoption process – months and months ago. I keep thinking how much he’d enjoy having grandkids to spoil.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I don’t play favourites. :)

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Judge not…