Abuse.

One of the interesting things about adoption – if you can bite your tongue for a while – is listening to people’s theories, beliefs and ideas about the entire concept of “older child” adoption.

The majority of people seem to be under the impression that kids are only “taken” by the agency if the kids are being abused (physically). As a result, I’ve been asked many times (mostly by strangers) whether my kids’ “history of abuse” concerns me.

Our kids do not have a history of physical abuse. I am not concerned.

Now, of course, there’s a caveat. I didn’t live in the household they grew up in so I have no idea if their mother spanked them or slapped them on occasion. I don’t know if their older brother put the smack down sometimes or if there were out and out brawls on the living room floor.

But the agency does a very thorough investigation on all the children who come into care for any reason – in addition to the known problems or issues that caused them to “take” the kids.

Those issues may be abuse. They could also be physical or mental illness (on the part of the caregivers), financial catastrophe (kids go into care rather than being homeless), a short term issue that became long-term, a parent’s inability to handle a child’s needs (for a variety of reasons), drug or alcohol abuse…

The agency tries very hard to establish if there was physical, emotional or sexual abuse. Drug or alcohol abuse. Neglect. Inappropriate behaviour(s) around the children. Illegal activities.

They talk to the kids repeatedly, they talk to their teachers and doctors, and they talk to the extended family members whenever possible.

And all of their findings go into a file that documents every little detail that can possibly be documented. Black and white.

When we decided, with 99% certainty, that we wanted to adopt The Boys, Coffee and I were given time to read through the agency’s file.

We learned about the family history (including physical and mental health), illnesses, dental issues, the parents’ personalities, court dates, the condition their apartment was in, animals they had, schools they attended, places they hung out.

We viewed report cards and medical reports and, in short, we were given free reign of The Boys’ information.

It’s important that adoptive families be given all the information that exists. It’s not so much to scare people away from certain children – it’s to make sure that potential parents are aware of the ways in which the child(ren) will need help.

A child who’s been physically abused, for example, may need specific therapies or for a parent to be careful in physical contact so as not to scare the kid. They will need to learn proper ways to handle their anger instead of physically striking out.

A child who’s been sexually abused will need specific precautions taken so the child is not “triggered” further and so the child can learn healthy sexuality and healthy boundaries.

In our case, we discovered some issues that we need to work with and specific ways we can help The Boys grow into healthy, happy adults. We felt those issues were within our realm of comfort.

Is all of the information accurate? Well, YOU try geting straight answers out of a seven year old! The agency does the very best that they can given the situation. Sometimes birth families lie – they don’t want the agency to know how bad things were or the “wrong” that they did to their kids. They don’t want to talk about the illegal activities or the nights the kids were left alone. They minimize or trivialize some things.

But we did not see any abuse documented. The Boys have spoken about various physical altercations with their older brother but nothing that sounds abusive to a large extent. They have not disclosed any other form of abuse – physical or sexual.

The Boys are (properly, imho) protective of their mother and father and don’t talk much about them in the sense of behaviours or the past. They have not yet mentioned to Coffee or I why they were ‘taken’ into care. We know that conversation will come sooner or later. Could there be abuse hiding in there? Maybe.

We remind The Boys that they can tell us anything. That we like hearing stories about their birth parents and their older brother and all the good things that they remember. We also tell them that we won’t be shocked or upset by anything they tell us.

So far, no abuse.

But the unlikelihood of that abuse existing doesn’t stop everyone from stating that The Boys must be exhibiting a certain behaviour “due to the abuse” and it doesn’t stop them from reminding me to lock my door at night in case the kids come to murder us “due to the abuse”. And it doesn’t stop them from asking how we intend to handle “all the violence The Boys saw growing up.”

If I were not concerned with The Boys having their own history – a private one that they control – I’d totally want to shout out the reason why they went into care and how they became available for adoption. Instead, I simply smile and say, “Luckily, our boys weren’t abused!” and leave it at that.