During the daylight hours, Middle One and Little One spend a lot of time requesting (and getting) hugs.
It’s my policy to NEVER turn down a hug – especially while we’re in the middle of the bonding and attachment process.
All day long they bounce between Coffee and I, shouting, “HUG!” or “I NEED A HUG!” and we immediately drop whatever we’re doing and get on with the hugging.
Sometimes I spontaneously hug them myself – SURPRISE! – and smooch them on the top of the head, too.
Quite frankly, I think this should be a mandatory policy in all families – even when there are no small children.
HUG!
While the other two are happily running around naked, shouting for hugs, farting randomly and being open and kid-like, Oldest One is a lot more aloof. He isn’t the sort of ten year old who comes galloping from across the room for a hug and he isn’t particularly comfortable with much physical attention.
His foster parents tried to say it was due to abuse (of which there is none in his file, his stated past, or his assessments – but which could, theoretically, have happened) but I think it’s that he’s 10 years old and a boy and, well, yeah. That kind of sums it up, right?
But still, I’ve worried. I want him to be well attached to us as he heads into the teenage years and, more importantly, I want him to grow up to be a guy who’s comfortable being affectionate with the people he cares about.
I was worried enough that I wrote an email to an adoption mailing list I belong to and asked for ways to be affectionate (physically) with him without him being made uncomfortable. It’s important that he have time to sort things out around here, though, and I didn’t want to overwhelm him.
Whether he knows it (or acknowledges it) – he NEEDS affection! We ALL do!
Turns out I didn’t need to worry.
We let Oldest One stay up a bit later than his little brothers each night. This usually means we sit on the sofa and watch a/some episode(s) of “Dirty Jobs” and get totally grossed out and laugh a lot.
The past few nights I’ve curled up on the sofa – wearing my jammas and a soft blanket – and Oldest One has sidled up beside me. He slowly but surely inches closer and closer until he’s leaning on me or resting his head on my shoulder.
And I’m paralyzed. No sudden moves! No big affection! Don’t scare him! I shift a little to make sure he’s comfortable and I offer him some of my blanket (which he always accepts) and.. we watch the show. Snugged up.
It takes all of my self-control not to grab him and wrap my arms around him in a gigantic hug.
Then, when the show is over, Coffee and I bid him goodnight and he gives us both a hug before he heads upstairs.
It’s one of the highlights of my entire day. Seriously.
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To me, that is the best kind of affection. Just the security of knowing you can cuddle under the blanket while watching TV. I’m so happy for him.
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If you don’t stop making me cry I am going to have to limit my reading of your blog. You are just the most sensitive caring new parent…and you are doing everything so very right…I am so impressed. I loved the way you let Oldest One cuddle up to you. I am also sure that very soon he will either ask for a hug or respond favorably if you were to offer one at that time.
One might wonder if another normal thing for him might be an inner struggle with bonding closely to you and Coffee meaning feeling he is being some how disloyal to his birth parent(s). Perhaps even subconsciously. Just a thought. I’m sure this will all smooth out in time.
Nice that there is no known abuse. For whatever reason they were “taken away” from birth parent, will be something to deal with and you already know this and are doing it. I love your answer to those who asked or make suggestions. You are so far ahead of the game here, Violet. I admire you and praise you!
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“His foster parents tried to say it was due to abuse (of which there is none in his file, his stated past, or his assessments – but which could, theoretically, have happened) but I think it’s that he’s 10 years old and a boy and, well, yeah. That kind of sums it up, right?”
Working in the animal rescue “industry” this reminds me of people who insist their adopted animal was abused by a vacuum cleaner because it runs and hides when the Hoover is turned on…. sometimes, 10 year olds just don’t solicit hugs just as sometimes, dogs just innately hate the vacuum. I think imagining horrible past abuse makes people feel better – like they have rescued an animal which is all good but perhaps embellished.
Kudos to you for not treating your boys like they are victims of the world that you have saved.
Anyway, very heartwarming post (I just wrote “heartworming” post… I’ve been around dogs too much).
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