On A Roll.

This morning, on waking, Little One decided he did not in fact wish to get ready for school. He sulked and he scowled and, in short, he was in a shitty mood.

As such, he went to school in his jammas. Complete with Pull-Up.

Of course, Coffee took a bag of clothing along with him so he could change if he felt like being cooperative at a later time. And he took his snowpants and boots and mittens and hat, too.

I cannot wait to pick him up at school and see what he’s wearing and what kind of a mood he’s in.

–

Then it was time for the older kids to get to school and they were late and, finally, I got them into the car since there’s no way we could walk there in time…

Only to discover that Oldest One had left his window down overnight in blizzard-like conditions. Snow! Inside the car!

Then we got stuck trying to turn a corner because there was SO MUCH SNOW.

This is where I started to swear profusely and gloriously and with reckless abandon. I made the kids get out of the car and walk the rest of the way by themselves while I un-stuck the car and drove home.

Then I ate some frosting on a spoon.

–

On a few occasions, we’re asked how we “learned to parent” and that’s a question that’s hard to answer. Especially right now when I’m feeling tense and irritable and like all our parenting techniques involve clenched teeth.

The first answer is that we had to take a 9 week course that was specific to adoption and foster care and the various issues those kids present.

The truth is that parenting kids who have “been through some shit” is not the same as parenting kids who have been with you since they were born. They have learned things from their biological family members, foster family members, life experiences and other sources that are not always conducive to a good understanding of how the world works.

The things they’ve learned cannot easily be undone. It takes time and patience and a lot of the aforementioned jaw-clenching to convince them of the necessity of change.

They have ‘interesting’ beliefs about how things are done – like getting ready or brushing teeth – and they have learned coping mechanisms that do not permit them to relax in certain situations. Some things (like, say, going to school) were not a priority in their earlier life. Other things were just different.

Since we did not experience those moments WITH our kids, we have to make OUR expectations very clear and we need to assert the “consequences” clearly in advance before the behaviour pops up. (“If you do not get dressed you will have to go to school in your pyjamas. Dad has already put out your clothes for today and I know you can get ready on your own, so let’s hop to it so you don’t have to wear your pyjamas!”)

The consequences we choose are always directly related to the behaviour – either in the form of restitution or compensation. Logical consequences like going to school in pyjamas are used rather than randomly-chosen punishments like “if you don’t get dressed you’re not getting dinner”.

We always give the kids a chance to “fix” the issue. We remind them of the consequence of not doing X or Y and then we ask, clearly, if they’d like to make a different choice. Sometimes they do.

The second part of it, of course, comes from knowing what worked and didn’t work on ourselves when we were younger. We adapt that, of course, to the particular personalities of our kids.

Another part of it is a conscious decision to avoid “shame-based” parenting, yelling at kids, spanking kids, blaming kids, comparing kids to each other, etc. Shame does not work in any meaningful way – it just makes kids feel bad about themselves. Coffee and I both know that all-too well.

Things like yelling or slamming doors, well, we don’t want to scare the kids. We want them to be respectful and understand who’s in charge, but we do not want them to be afraid of us or feel like we’re bullying them. They’ve had enough crap in life already, y’know?

All of the parenting we do takes patience and a lot of deep breathing at times. There are moments when I’d really like to just scream.. but I don’t. There are moments when I’d like to assert, “BECAUSE I SAID SO.”.. but I don’t.

(I do spend a lot of time muttering, “SERENITY NOW.. HOOCHIE MAMA” as required. Deep breathing. Taking “Time Outs” myself.)

As an avid reader, I poured through endless parenting books before the kids even arrived. I weeded out some of the parenting styles that I knew weren’t going to work for Coffee and I (such as those involving shame, religion or extremely regimented scheduling) and I re-read those that seemed most sane and reasonable. Coffee then read those, too.

Many of those books were specific to adopted kids and older kids. We are not starting with a blank slate in this situation so there’s no way for us to pretend otherwise.

The biggest thing to remember, in our situation, is that our kids do not yet fully trust us. They’ve only known us for a month and a bit and why should they believe us on anything? How do they know we’re giving them the right advice? Why should they bother to listen to us?

We have to work on the attaching and the trusting at the same time as we keep them safe and on track. We also have to say what we mean and mean what we say if we want them to believe us and trust us. Sometimes this means we have to follow through on something ridiculous that we said in the heat of the moment.

There are six books that I refer to over and over again when I’m trying to figure something out.

The most helpful is “The Connected Child” by Karyn Purvis. It’s a book specifically geared toward adoptive families with kids who are from other cultures , troubled backgrounds and/or those with special behavioural/emotional needs. And it’s extremely useful, reassuring and reasonable. Every time I read (and I’ve read it many times) I feel better. And I learn some new technique.

The other books that I recommend wholeheartedly are:

“Parenting Your Adopted Older Child” – Brenda McCreight
“Attaching In Adoption” – Deborah Gray
“Nurturing Adoptions” – Deborah Gray
“Adoption Parenting” – (Edited by: MacLeod & Macrae)
“Adopting the Hurt Child” and “Parenting The Hurt Child” by Keck and Kupecky

The short answer is that we’re parenting as logically and reasonably as we possibly can. We make mistakes. We admit our mistakes. We ask the kids for their input into situations and consequences. We follow through.

We try very hard to provide consequences and immediately follow them with LOVE. A hug, a snuggle, an “I love you” are added into every calm moment. The reminder we give is that we love THEM and that the behaviour was the problem.

Even though it may sound otherwise, I have to say that the kids DO respond. They are learning to speak respectfully. They are learning that we mean what we say. They are all doing the things that they need to do.

It’s been a month. No one is expecting perfection! And I recognize that most of the problems are “normal” problems and my clenched jaw is simply because, hell, a month ago I was able to take a nap in the afternoon, read a book, and not worry about whether someone peed on the seat before I sat down.

I am adapting. Coffee is adapting. The kids are adapting.

I am not kidding when I say that I’m looking forward to tomorrow and the next day and next month and next year. I’m curious about where all of this is going and how things will change.