Remember when I asked if you had any advice as to what I should talk about when I’m presenting the whole “adopting older kids experience” at the adoption training early in June? You guys gave me some really good questions – things you thought about, wondered about, figured people might be interested in knowing..
Since I’m trying to make my thoughts more coherent I figured I’d do a “trial run” and answer them here. Then you, if you feel the urge, can tell me what doesn’t make sense or what I should expand on a bit or, even more fun, if you have other questions that might work..
So, here we go. Keep in mind, as always, that I don’t speak for Coffee’s perspectives!
When did YOU feel like they were yours?
On the first day that they were here, I felt a little bit like I was babysitting: responsible for keeping the kids safe and sound, but not forever. As if someone might appear in a few hours, thank me for my help, and then I’d go back to being childless again. The real feeling of “ownership” (as in, these are MY kids) snuck up on me gradually over time.
The biggest factors in feeling like they’re MY kids came along with my confidence in parenting them. The first time one asked me for help. The first time one hugged me spontaneously. The first time one called me Mom. Each ‘step’ increased my confidence and theirs, too. We sussed each other out, learned to trust a bit, learned our boundaries. And then one day I woke up and realized that if someone were to take them away – one or all – I’d be heartbroken.
Is it hard to figure out your style vs. their style and make it a family style?
Coffee and I have a fairly relaxed style in most regards. We’re had to step up on things like “celebrating Christmas” and “throwing birthday parties” but, for the most part, the kids are quite low key themselves in their expectations and needs. Coffee and I haven’t tried to pretend that we’re experienced in this whole parenting thing, so we’ve been okay with asking the kids what they want, what they’ve done in the past, what’s important to them.. a HUGE bonus when you adopt older kids who can communicate their own stories.
A lot of it comes down to values – which, as the parents, we’re responsible for setting. Then we let the kids fine-tune the details. An example is that we want the kids to try new things and develop new skills; we explained that to them and they chose archery. We value spending time together; they chose family movie night and pizza.
When did THEY feel like you were their mother? Do they call you mom?
The two younger kids call me Mom exclusively.
Oldest One calls me Mom randomly – he prefers Violet (“It’s a pretty name!”) and I’m okay with that. I know a lot people aren’t comfortable with the idea of their child calling them by their first name and to them I’d suggest finding a compromise. Older kids often remember their biological parents vividly and asking them to suddenly call someone else “Mom” can feel like their biological parents are being shoved out of the picture completely – a huge loss.
Until a month or two ago, Middle One would refer to me as Violet when talking to someone else. More recently he’s begun saying, “And my Mom says..” or “This is my mom…” which suggests to me that the idea is settling in more and more.
Do you fear the biological parent coming back and interfering?
Yes and no. The details of why my kids came into care are obviously confidential to them. But I’ve mentioned here that they do have a mother and she does live in the same city as we do. There’s always a chance of us running into her somewhere, I suppose, and Coffee and I are definitely memorable in appearance. The kids all look similar – while she hasn’t seen them in a few years, the youngest looks exactly like Middle One did when he came into care. She would recognize them, assuredly.
Our adoption is a “closed” adoption which means that, from a purely legal standpoint, none of the boys’ relatives (mother included) have any rights to see the kids or communicate with them until they’re 18 years old. There are no visitation rights or phone calls. The boys know that they cannot see their mother.
Having said that, Coffee and I agreed informally to continue contact with specific relatives (like grandpa) as long as long as it’s proving beneficial to the kids.
That sounds so very legal-ese, doesn’t it? The truth of the matter is that our kids HAVE family members who are not a part of why they came into care and who they love very much. As long as the kids would like to be in contact with these relatives, there’s no reason for us to NOT allow it. The agency, too, has provided us with some information about various relatives that has given us comfort when it comes to making contact.
Does it make me nervous? Of course. I don’t know these family members, really. So the first few contacts were hesitant on my part. How much do I say? What do I talk about? What will they WANT from me?
But the thing about these extended family members is that they hold so many keys to my kids’ past and future. They have family stories and family photos. Someday they’ll tell my kids what their bio mom was like when she was a kid or share memories of past visits. And that’s something I have no desire to take away from the kids because it belongs to THEM and not me.
I swallow my fears. I swallowed them when grandpa came to visit, when the kids wanted to email relatives, when they wanted to visit with 15YO… I know that we’re lucky the kids have an extended family that’s healthy enough to be a part of their lives and that a lot of kids don’t have any contact with relatives once they’re adopted.
And yes, if the relatives were to start causing problems for the kids, I’d have to stop contact. It’s my job to protect the kids and to help them grow beyond what’s happened in the past and become strong, confident, healthy adults. But we’ve lucked out, at least as far as I can tell, and all our contact with relatives has been positive.
I don’t know how their biological mom is doing these days or what her life looks like – so I don’t know what her thoughts are on the kids being adopted (by anyone). If she were to show up and start causing problems, well, we’d have to deal with it. That could mean calling the agency, calling the police, or something else. It would really depend. But given that it’s a closed adoption, the law is “on our side” to to speak so I don’t worry about her showing up and taking them away.
How do you avoid having the feeling (or having them feel) like this is a charitable act? When does it just feel like a family?
The kids know that Coffee and I chose to adopt kids rather than have biological kids. They know that this is what we wanted and that they, specifically, were chosen by us because we had “things in common” and because we thought we could make a really good family. In some ways, adoption is a bit like a marriage. You choose someone (or your heart chooses) and then you make it work so you can be together forever.
The crucial thing, I think, is to never make the kids feel like they must be GRATEFUL for being adopted into the family. We also emphasize the “choice” aspect to the kids. Much as we chose THEM, they also had to make a choice to be adopted (the older 2, at least) and have had to repeatedly make that choice over the past few months. If either older kid said, “no”, the adoption wouldn’t continue for them.
Coffee and I often talk about how blessed WE are to have three boys and how neat we think they are and how glad we are that they chose us, too. But we’re still on the “new” side of things. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and am suddenly reminded that, “holy crap! I’m a mother to three kids!” Sometimes I look at one of the kids and think, “What the hell? How did I end up responsible for you?” But each day the novelty wears off a bit more and things just feel right.
Do you give any focus to their “previous” life? (i.e., do you want to know about their own memories or do you just focus on having new experiences?)
We talk a LOT about the past. I bring up their bio mom at least once a day in some context – because it happens naturally. They all know they can talk about her, too, and that it doesn’t bother me or threaten me or make me feel like they don’t love me or anything else.
Living in the same city they grew up in, with her, means they sometimes say, “Oh! I was here with my bio Mom before!” and I always ask them to tell me more. Sometimes I’ll cook a food and they’ll tell me that their bio mom made it, too. They’ve let me look through their “memory books” with them – full of photos of mom and relatives and places and things from the past.
It would seem really uncomfortable, to me, to try to pretend the past didn’t happen. We don’t linger on bad memories – though the kids are definitely encouraged to talk about those, too – but we try to incorporate the past into the present. Make it wrap-up nicely together. Our “family photo” wall will soon have photos of their mom along with pictures of me. Photos of their grandpa and my own dad.
Because you don’t have them from babies and changed their diapers or potty trained, etc., is it difficult to do some of the more “personal hygiene” types of things like showers, bathroom trouble, sickness, pre-teen hormonal stuff?
The youngest one, being four, goes running around naked as often as he can. I have grown accustomed to seeing his naked body, I’ve wiped his bum, and I help him shower every night. He has never been shy about it – he’s four and, as far as he’s concerned, SOMEONE needs to help him out!
Middle One is more reserved but, yes, I’ve seen him naked and it didn’t phase me.
I have not seen Oldest One naked and, chances are, I never will.
We are a family that talks about poop and snot and all the rest quite openly – so no one hesitates to mention an upset stomach. The trick, again, was for Coffee and I to instigate the openness. It’s our job to set the tone and to let them know that we’re parents and we’re okay with the “gross” stuff.
We have had the “sex talk” briefly and continue to have it whenever we can work it in. Again, though, we’re pretty open about that kind of thing.
I’d be concerned about the element of ‘failing,’ What if you felt like things were so out of control that you couldn’t do anything positive to change it?
The biggest thing I’d say is that it is absolutely, positively, without question, CRUCIAL to be open and honest with the adoption workers throughout the entire process. They’re professionals and it’s their job to help you understand what you can and cannot handle in a child. If you lie to them or hide things, they can’t make a great match – and I suspect that’s when a lot of problems can happen.
The other thing that’s crucial is to do research. The nine week course that’s offered is a great thing but it’s not the be-all and end-all to understanding problems, disorders, issues, etc. Get to know some of the common issues in kids who are in care and figure out what you can and cannot tolerate. Be honest and open. If you’re looking for older kids there’s no shortage – don’t feel pressured to say “yes” to the first kid you hear about simply because you’re desperate to adopt. When in doubt, err on the side of caution.
No one is looking down on you if you say that you cannot handle a child with autism or a child with FAS or a child who has been sexually abused. But you need to know what’s involved in those problems before you can know whether it’s manageable or not. (For example, FAS has a really bad reputation – but the severity seriously varies from child to child and can be almost unnoticeable..)
When it comes down to the actual placement, you’re given a lot of information about the child and their situation. Paperwork! Notes! Emails! Faxes! Files! Read it. All of it. Ask questions and ask more questions. Ask your worker how X or Y may impact on the child in the future. Ask your family physician or a local therapist for their input if you can.
The emphasis for adoption is on “the team”. The team includes your worker, the adoption worker, the child’s worker, the child’s support workers, teachers, doctors, relatives.. USE them.
And even after the placement, when the child has moved in, that team still exists. Adoption isn’t instantaneous. At this point, six months after our kids have moved in, we COULD still say, “This isn’t working.” We can ask for help from the agency. We can get referrals for therapy or consultations for disorders. We can request more information about issues.
Our social worker visits once each month. I can email her any time I want or call her because, as part of the placement agreement, it’s stipulated that I can talk to her any time I need to ask a question or get advice. And I do!
There are no guarantees from your own biological children that you won’t “fail”. There’s no guarantee you won’t raise a serial killer or a sociopath or a flat-out lunatic. There’s no guarantee your child will be healthy (physically or mentally) or that they won’t have problems in the future with drugs or alcohol.
And if your biological child was acting out in such a dramatic way that you couldn’t handle them, there ARE options ranging from hospitalization, incarceration, therapy, medication, inpatient care, group homes.. and those same options apply to adopted kids.
If Coffee and I encounter something ugly – something we can’t handle – we’d have to accept that outside help was required. And we’d make the best decision we could for our kids at that time just like a biological parent would – unhappily but with acceptance that it was needed.
Do you wish you had adopted a baby?
I don’t wish we had adopted a baby. At all. Much as I have no biological urge to procreate, I have no urge to do the things involved with newborns (though I rather like other peoples’ babies!) and I think it would have been a really hard road for us to travel. If we could go back in time, I’d still choose to adopt an older child and not an infant.
Do you regret adopting more than one kid at a time? Would you do it again?
I’d be lying if I said there weren’t moments when I wonder what the hell I was thinking. But those are moments when all three kids are trying to kill each other, screaming and crying, and when I daydream about living in the garage, alone.
We got a ready-made family; we completed our family instantly. It was stressful (and still is, sometimes) and it’s a HUGE adjustment to go from no kids to three kids all at once. But yes, I would absolutely do this again if we could go back in time. The age range we adopted (now 11, 8 and 4) is a fabulous range of independence, childish glee, mindblowing development of new skills, hilarity and curiosity. We’ve got it all!
What’s the biggest misconception you encounter about adopting older kids?
The biggest, most common, is the idea that older kids are all totally fucked up and violent and evil. Boys, especially. I cannot tell you how often I hear, “Oh! My cousin’s neighbour adopted a teenage boy from Russia who tried to kill them all!” or something similar. Then they eye me like I’m insane for adopting older kids.
In the adoption world, a lot of people use the phrase, “Great kids, bad situation” to describe the deal. And it’s true. Do my kids have issues? Yes, of course. But we specifically noted to our workers that we couldn’t handle a child who was violent or who had experienced certain traumas. We’re not skilled in that. And so, we didn’t get kids who were violent or who had experienced certain things. We got kids who have issues that we can handle and issues we can help them to grow beyond.
What happened to my kids is not their fault. They didn’t come into the foster care system because of anything THEY did or didn’t do. And yet, in the abstract, people would consider them “damaged” and “dangerous”? That’s ridiculous.
I think that’s part of why I want to speak openly about adoption and, in particular, older child adoption. Because the stereotypes aren’t always true. I don’t deny that there are kids out there with severe problems who are damaged in extreme ways. And I know, too, that those kids need specialized help that a normal family can’t provide.
But it is absolutely possible for “the average person” to adopt “an average kid” who has no issues beyond being an older kid in need of a family and who, quite likely, knows that the world is not always fair.
Phew. That was long, wasn’t it?! I’m not going to read this to the group – just fleshing out my thoughts a bit. Am I making sense? Should I talk more about something specific? Any other questions? Feel free to comment or email me and I’ll work on it.
Recent Comments.