More Preparing.

How do you afford three older kids? Isn’t it expensive?
Are you aware of how much it costs to outfit a baby? And how quickly they outgrow things? Formula?

If you’ve been reading for any length of time, you already know that we adopted big kids. And that I’m still totally in awe of how much they eat, drink and consume on a daily basis.

But, other than food, our bills have not changed in a major way. We still pay about the same for hydro and water (we do an extra load or two of laundry each week and, of course, there are more showers going on each day) and we have a short-term increase in our gas costs for the cars due to driving Maymo to school and back each day.

We’ve been very lucky. We have a lot of friends who have given the kids gifts of clothing and toys and other wonderful things. We’ve been able to obtain some things from Freecycle.

With three boys, we have hand-me-downs to hand down between the kids, too!

In my previous answers to questions, I said that Coffee and I are in charge of passing on our values – one of our values is avoiding overconsumption. We work hard to teach the kids to take care of the things they already have, make good choices for any purchases they do make, and to help them understand the value of money (through their allowance and otherwise).

We also work really hard to teach the kids not to equate gifts – financial or otherwise – with love. Actions speak louder than a present wrapped with a bow.

Our kids lack nothing in the material world. They have a computer and a DVD player and a Wii and clothes and toys and books and art supplies and Lego and.. well, you get the picture. Not all of it was new, not all of it was expensive, but we have what we need.

In the event that we made less money than we do, the agency does offer adoption subsidies. We would be eligible for things like money for groceries or money for clothing, dental work, medications and therapies, all depending on our income. What I’m saying is that I’d advise people to not make money the sole reason why they don’t adopt an older kid. If you’re financial solvent but not rolling in cash, you’ll be okay.

How do you keep your marriage together with three kids suddenly in your life? How do you make sure you and Coffee are on the same wavelength for handling the kids?
Easy – we had a really, really good marriage before the kids arrived.

The idea of kids “saving” a marriage is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard! If you’re not in agreement on how you’ll deal with kids – problems, good times, rules, bedtimes, discipline, homework, food, behaviours – you’re going to have a bitch of a time with an older kid(s) adoption. Because they DO test limits. They DO test to see if you’re a united front. And they’re always around…

Coffee and I spend time “in discussion” several times a day on the weekends. When he gets home from work, I try to give him a quick rundown of the day’s events so he’ll know why one kid isn’t allowed to have any candy and why another has been banned from the Wii. I also email him during the day so he knows what’s going on and isn’t going “against” something I’ve put in place when he gets home.

We also spend 5 minutes here and there while the kids are playing, for example, to talk about X problem or Y event. Other times, we tell the child who’s in ‘trouble’ to sit on the sofa for a moment while we go in another room to discuss how we’d like to handle it.

There is no rule that says you must discipline immediately, did you know that? If there’s a big explosion of tempers and tears, we remove the kids immediately but we don’t apply the consequences unless it’s one we already have in place (i.e., something we’ve dealt with before). Coffee and I discuss it together, first, and then we sit down with the offender to discuss the problem, why it was a problem, why it’s not permitted to do X or Y and what the consequence is for that particular problem.

We get up before the kids in the mornings so we can snuggle and chat for a bit. We stay up later than the kids so we can watch “grown up” television or talk or have sex. Yes, we do still have sex! On weekends we let the kids play games on the Wii so we can steal some time together..

Every time someone offers to babysit on a Saturday, we go out for sushi and a trip to the library together.

I remind the kids regularly that Coffee is my favourite person in the entire world. He’s my light and my life and my love. It’s important for me to have time with him. They appreciate that – and I think, in the long run, it will benefit them when they’re adults and in their own relationships. They need good modeling from us.

Do you find your feelings toward your own parents has changed now that you’re a parent?
I miss my Dad more than ever – knowing how much he’d love spending time with the boys and getting to know them. I’m sure he’d think I was crazy for adopting three kids but I’m also sure he’d love them to bits. I find myself trying to act more like my Dad sometimes – to help the kids explore the world in a very tactile way.

I had thought that I might understand my mother a bit better once I had kids but the truth is that I have even LESS of an understanding of her now than I did before. The mistakes she made seem so incredibly big now, compared to before. I look at my kids and see how fragile they are, ultimately, as children and I’m angry that my own mother couldn’t accept me as the person I was as a child – imperfections and all.

Is it hard to raise a family without an extended family to back you up?
Yes and no. It’s not like we’ve got a choice! Coffee’s family is all in the United States. My immediately family is deceased. We don’t have parents who can babysit at the drop of a hat or who can come and stay for a few days to look after the kids when I’m sick or who are thrilled to buy the kids expensive gifts or take them somewhere for a day or have them over for sleepovers.

And sometimes, yes, I’m insanely jealous of friends who DO have that help.

But we have really good friends and we continue to make new friends, too. We accept help when it’s offered. And sure, it’s not always ideal or perfect to rely on friends, but it’s GOOD.

The other thing? We knew we were in this particular situation before we adopted kids – so it wasn’t a shock to realize we didn’t have the support of our parents or extended family.

Is it hard to parent kids who haven’t had ideal families in the past?
Without going into the private details, it’s obvious that the kids didn’t have the perfect past. But at the same time, there was a LOT of good in their earlier lives. A lot.

One of the things we’ve worked hard on is the idea of emphasizing “this family” we’re all a part of instead of blanket statements about families. For example, instead of saying, “Families don’t DO x or Y” we would say, “Our family doesn’t X. We don’t do it because we don’t hurt each other. We take care of each other.”

The same applies to what Moms and Dads do. I never say, “A good mom doesn’t do X or Y”, I say, “As your Mom, I’ve chosen not to do X or Y.”

We also try to explain why we do and don’t do certain things. We talk about our values. We talk about choices the kids will need to make when they’re adults, too.

I work really hard to never, ever speak negatively about their biological mother. (It’s easier than you’d think.) When a kid tells me a story about something that happened in the past, I try to frame it from their perspective – “Did that hurt your feelings?” or “Was that hard for you to see?” It is not my place to judge their mother, or their past, and I suspect that if I were to judge either one the kids would soon stop mentioning it.

We frame things for the kids in terms of “personal choices”. We talk a lot about how you can never MAKE someone do something that they don’t choose to do themselves.

Parents, for example, don’t do drugs because they have bad kids or because the kids are too loud – parents do drugs because that’s how they chose to deal with their stress or deal with their problems. And that’s not a healthy choice to make, of course, but it’s not the kids’ fault or anyone else’s fault.

The kids, with the exception of Maymo, know why they came into foster care and why they were adopted instead of reunited with their biological mom. So we talk about it. We talk about choices. We talk about how to fix mistakes. We talk about how much their mom loves them, still, even though she’s not a part of their lives.

We talk about the past but we also emphasize the future. A lot.

(More? Any more questions? This is kind of fun!)