They All Hate Me.

Middle One announced at dinner today that his “entire class” hates him.

After some gentle questioning, it was revealed that Middle One sat down with some kids from his class, at a table (at lunch?), and asked them point blank if they hated him. They all “looked around and didn’t say anything” and then got up and walked away.

I will be the first to tell you that Middle One is a weird kid. Of the three, he’s the one that it took me longest to feel attached to and the one I had the hardest time understanding when it came to behaviours, actions and words.

There’s nothing visibly strange about him – he’s a very good looking kid (I’m biased, yes, but it’s the truth) and he’s exceptionally caring and loving. He’s the first to give a hug if you look even the slightest bit grouchy and he’s the first to apologize for any wrongdoings even if he wasn’t involved. He’s outgoing and affectionate and not even the slightest bit shy.

I say this next part with no judgment – just stating facts.

He lies. He exaggerates. He’s loud and says inappropriate things at inappropriate times. He screams “for fun” and annoys the living hell out of anyone he possibly can, whenever he can. His interpersonal skills are seriously lacking. He has no concept of boundaries.

We work on this constantly and as gently as possible.

At first, we started with some very basic rules of etiquette for when people visit – and we practice them regularly (and he is making progress). Simple things like allowing people to speak and not interrupting and not clinging to near-strangers. Avoiding the expulsion of noxious gas while hugging people. Not screaming and rolling around and acting like a maniac when people are trying to talk to each other.

We’ve talked about why it’s not polite to call people and invite yourself over – even when you’d prefer to not have your younger brother around. We’ve talked about how (and when) to leave a voice mail message – one without weird noises and slurring and shouting and other oddities. We’ve talked about appropriate behaviour at other peoples’ homes and what’s polite and not polite.

There has been MUCH progress made. He is becoming more enjoyable to be around for all those involved – including his brothers.

As an adult, and one who has known him for a while and learned about specific behaviours via research, it’s not always easy for me to cut him some slack. Even now, I have to check myself at times to keep from snapping at him about some specific behaviour. I take deep breaths before I respond.

Understanding WHY he does things makes it easier, of course, but, again, I’m an adult. He’s eight and so are most of his friends.

I just don’t know how to help him at school and with kids his own age.

I have my suspicions as to what’s bothering the other kids, of course, but Middle One denies that he has anything whatsoever to do with the other kids not liking him. This makes it hard for me to help him develop the skills that might help him make more/better friends.

I know – oh, I know – that kids can be mean. And I know that they gang up on each other and they take sides and they go from “like you!” to “HATE YOU!” for absolutely no reason sometimes. There is no doubt in my mind that there’s some of that going on in this situation.

But I also know, without question, that Middle One doesn’t make it easy for the other kids to adore him. And since they’re kids, they’re not likely to cut him much slack when it comes to quirky behaviours.

With less than a month of school to go, I’m half-relieved and half-worried. Relieved in that he’ll have the summer to continue developing his interpersonal skills and to settle further into the security of our family. Relieved, too, that he’ll be able to avoid the kids who are being mean to him at the moment. I’m hoping he’ll grow a little (in all senses of the word).

But I’m worried that he’ll spend the summer alone, save for the dreaded Milhouse (gah), and that September will be even harder for him as a result.

Any advice?

6 comments

Penny on 10 June 08 at 12:10 am

I WAS middle one as a kid…in many ways. It took me a long time to realize that people didn’t need to be pestered, not everyone is going to like you, and not every mood or reaction in others is caused by something you did. Part of it is a control issue. If you can apologize for it, you can control it. Not knowing the particulars, it seems like he was old enough to see what was happening to his bio family but not old enough to realize what was really going on and why. And that it had nothing to do with him and there was nothing he could have done to stop it. So he tries to draw attention to himself, own situations by putting himself in the center, and does as much as he can to get a reaction. Because if people react, they notice you and then they must like you…because you are then really nice to them…to an annoying degree.

My advice is to do what my parents did. I got some social help from a counselor. I had to learn some boundaries and be told some hard truths. And I recognized that my parents loved me, no matter what. And they thought I was the neatest kid ever. And then they sent me to summer camp. It’s perfect practice. Total social immersion with people that you then don’t have to see again…unless you want to. I ended up going for 7 summers and I switched terms after 2 years and really bonded with a group of people.

I am now a very social person and have a great group of loving friends. I still have to tell my paranoid “do they hate me?” demons to shut up every now and then. But I will say this: growing up as the kid that had to work hard to make friends, it makes the real friends you make all the more precious….because you had to earn them.
DJL on 10 June 08 at 12:53 am

Do you think it might make sense to enroll him in some sort of summer activities program? If he has made progress over the year, exposing him to a new, if temporary, group of kids might give him a fresh start and let him build some self confidence before he has to go back to dealing with the school kids. And besides, it will give him something to do besides hanging out with Milhouse. :-)
Jo on 10 June 08 at 4:47 am

I very much relate to MO. You must remember (ahem) a time or two in my life when I just didn’t fit in, and felt hated by a large group of people. I take responsibility for the fact that I’m weird, have unique opinions, rub people the wrong way, etc. But it still sucks beyond words. There are no words to describe what it feels like when a whole room/workplace/list of people hate your guts and wish you would leave.

After some therapy, much reading and various other efforts, I finally decided to concentrate on what’s RIGHT with me and not what’s wrong with me. I know there are SOME people out there who like me just fine, and I have to spend time with those people and remind myself daily that it doesn’t matter if some people hate me. There is NOTHING I can do about that. I can’t change and be someone I’m not. I can only be me, and some people are not going to like that, and that’s okay.

I would say remind MO daily that he is loved and cherished and accepted EXACTLY as he is, and he doesn’t need to change to please anyone, but to be aware that he’s just one of the special few in this world who might have a hard time of it, but that means that the friends he does make are going to be EXTRA special and genuine and accepting him for who he is… not someone he’s pretending to be so he can make friends. MHO.
Jo on 10 June 08 at 7:32 pm

Oh I just wanted to add I really liked what Penny and DJL said about structured social activities. Cub Scouts springs to mind or Sea Cadets, believe it or not. Air Cadets changed my life for the better, but that doesn’t start until age 13. I think Canadian Navy League Cadet Corps is for the 9-13 year olds. Odd as it may sound to us freewheelin’ hippyish (sometimes pink haired) folk… it’s good to learn teamwork, cooperation and leadership skills. And make friends. I often say that I was a loser in school, but cool in cadets, which is why it was so meaningful to me. It was the first time I was ever cool on my own merits. (Not being Am’s little sister, or whatever).
violet on 10 June 08 at 7:44 pm

Amusingly, Middle One is absolutely going to be a part of Scouts – my own enthusiasm for Girl Guides and the stories I’ve told him have convinced him that he REALLY wants to join. But it doesn’t start until September, so he has to wait a bit..

We are going to look for something cool for him to do this summer – something group-oriented. I think you’re all right on that idea.
Kikipotamus the Hobo on 10 June 08 at 9:57 pm

I also went through a couple of stages at around age 8 and again a few years later of getting attention in not so positive ways. I have no advice, though, except that all of the above suggestions sound great. I ended up finding friends in a few kids who were equally misfit as I.