The truth about parenting is that we rarely talk about the ugly sides. I don’t mean the barfing or the boogers on the wall – I mean the times when we are not happy or when we are stressed out or the times when our kid(s) says something horrible and we’re totally wounded.
From my side of things, I try to keep things as ‘real’ as I can around here. I mean, it’s a blog. It’s a place to talk and “think out loud” and try to figure out how to tackle certain issues.
And lord knows, I get a lot of compliments on my parenting style. I hear a lot about how Coffee and I are doing a good job and how we’re helping our kids to grow up into healthy, happy people.
I like that. Who doesn’t like praise? Who doesn’t like to hear that they’re kickin’ ass?
On the flip side, I always feel kind of guilty and shameful when I write something negative here. When I write that Oldest One is doing something shitty or when I complain that I’m exhausted and overwhelmed, my first thought is, “I don’t want anyone to think I can’t handle this.” and it’s followed by, “I don’t want anyone to think I’m not a good parent.”
And somewhere in there I’m reminded that some of the boys’ biological family members read this – and I don’t want them to think, for one single moment or longer, that I do not love these kids with every bit of my heart.
So I hesitate. I bite my tongue.
I know that, despite my best efforts, my blogging does impact on other people. I try hard to portray everyone fairly (when I’m not using a pseudonym for someone, in particular) but there are moments when I just don’t blog a situation at all because I can’t bear to hear I’m not doing things properly when I’m already feeling guilty about something or when I’m already questioning myself.
I do think we’re doing a pretty kickass job of parenting these kids. I do think it’s obvious that I love them and I adore them and I think the world of them. I do recognize that we took on a job that’s hard at times and that we’re doing a pretty fucking good job most of the time.
I regularly stress to people that any frustrations I have and any issues I have with parenting are not related specifically to the kids – they’re just my own issues.
Sitting with a friend today, in her yard, sipping a drink and staying far enough away from her to avoid spreading my sore throat, she talked about some of her own challenges in parenting. And she’s not the first person, lately, to tell me that the job isn’t all peaches and cream and rose petals.
Why do I expect myself to be perfect? Why do I feel so ashamed and embarrassed when I’m not perfect or when I’m short-tempered?
Part of it is that my kids came from a history that wasn’t perfect and I feel this incredible obligation to NOT make things worse in any way, shape or form.
Part of it is because I know what my kids’ issues are, and how they’ve been impacted, and I want to heal some of that.
Part of it is trying, desperately, to make myself feel competent and strong when I’m not always feeling that way. I am the parent, dammit, and I cannot let myself feel anything other than in control, right?
Don’t misunderstand me; I’m not doing anything remotely traumatic. I am giving the kids attention and love and affection and breakfast/lunch/dinner along with clean laundry and time spent with their friends and games to play and I listen to them talk and I read them stories and.. all the rest.
But when I am grouchy, I feel like I’m letting them down.
When I need time to myself, I feel like I’m letting them down.
When they whine and cry and throw themselves to the ground and all I want – really want – is for a SANE adult to step in and then, ohshit, I remember that I’m supposed to the that person… I feel guilty.
I feel like I’m simultaneously sucking and rocking at this parenting thing.
It’s literally minute to minute.
And when I talked to Kitty a while ago, she told me that’s how ALL parents feel. Like they have no idea what they’re doing, like they’re only half-kicking ass and sometimes failing miserably.
But I want to know – why doesn’t anyone talk about this? Is everyone feeling guilty and ashamed? Is it because I’m mostly reading blogs about parenting and no one writes the negatives for the world to see?
WHY ISN’T ANYONE ELSE TELLING ME HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A PARENT? Why am I wandering around feeling lost and incompetent by myself?
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I think you’re dead on about parents not wanting to admit things are tough and might suck because people will judge them for being horrible parents. But, seriously, parenting would have to suck sometimes. I love my job but there are some days I hate it with a passionate hatred of a thousand suns and moons. But that’s just a career! How much harder is it when its your kids? Kids can be shitty and they do and say mean things. Don’t think that the bio family is judging you. You are doing your best and it is so obvious you love them. And I keep thinking of all the times my mom wanted to KILL ME and/or return me to the pit of hell where I came from and I think that’s just normal. God help you, you’re normal.
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It is horribly hard. HORRIBLY. I talk about it a little, but talking about it makes me even more tired. Hang in there.
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I try to talk about it sometimes. However, so very often I’m struck with ‘Why did NO ONE TELL ME that this was SO VERY HARD?’. Especially about life in general, but a lot about parenting and relationships. And then I think that perhaps no one else thinks that it’s hard and it’s just me. And then the bad times pass and you think that it’s all good. Or they say something and then half an hour later they do or say something nice. Or you have a night off or something and you get refreshed and then it is the same but doesn’t seem as bad. And if the bio family is reading this then hopefully they’re doing so because they care and not because they’re judging. But yeah. Crazy hard and crazy crazy.
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Well, I talk about it all the time. (And then I am criticized for being too negative. Yay!)
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If nobody is telling you how hard it is, or commiserating with you, then you are talking to the wrong people. Hands down. Parenting is HARD STUFF.
Remember something. YOu were thrown into this parenting gig, without practice. No easing into it, y’know? Anyone else with 3 kids the ages of yours would have had 10 years experience at this point (oldest one is 10, right?)! TEN YEARS, Violet. You’ve had less then 10% of that!
You are doing a great job because you are using your head, and thinking things through. Something that many parents don’t do, because they have the experience. Parts of parenting are second nature, but only because we’ve had the time to learn it to be so. (Think about driving, for example. You just do it, don’t need to think about it. Was it like that the first few times? No, it was not!)
It gets easier (so I’m told), and it gets harder. It constantly changes. But yes, it is HARD. And rewarding.
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I not only noticed that the parenting comment were overwhelmingly positive, I fully expected it. You were always open with your emotions in the pre-parent writings, and I loved (and seriously envied!) how you were able to put your thoughts down in writing to show exactly how you felt at that time. But this changes when it involves your kids. You wouldn’t be putting down details about someone else and your feelings involving them if you had to identify who they were, as that would be an invasion of privacy, so you leave the person anonymous. But when you go to write down anything about the kids, everyone reading knows exactly who you are talking about (secret identities aside, naturally).
And it is true, ALL parents avoid discussing the negatives about parenting, probably for the fear that it will make them look like horrible people. But, having had mostly single mothers for friends over the years, I can tell you that I have learned this much through many discussions over the years:
All new mothers have had more than one occasion where they have seriously thought about smothering their child after several nights of screaming and not sleeping in the crib.
Every parent that loves their child (and sadly, that isn’t all of them) goes through the cycles of thinking they are doing a great/shitty job of parenting. Always weekly, usually daily, sometimes hourly.
We may not have spent much time together, but I felt close to you through “you know who” because you were both so much alike, and everything I have read and “know” about you I have already experienced with her. You have similar fears, insecurities and joys, and for that reason, I will always know that the kids will have it great, and that in the long run, they will have a better chance than most to be happy.
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Presumably they’re all too busy feeling like they suck and (hopefully occasionally) rock and blogging and feeling isolated as well to come on over and tell you about it.
I dunno dick all about parenting (I can change a diaper now, though!) but your kids seem perfectly normal to me, and given assorted circumstances, that’s fairly impressive.
Plus, how you manage to survive without, oh, a good 12 hours a day to yourself (that would be reasonable, no?) I haven’t the foggiest. Huzzah to the shopkeep! :)
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We DO talk about how hard it is to parent. But mostly with each other, and other parents that come over or that we visit. I blog about other things (when I have time to blog), and my wife just doesn’t feel she has the time to read blogs, let alone blog herself. (As she just said, “We’re all too busy trying to parent!”)
Come on over sometime, and we’ll let the kids rot their brains with a movie while us parents drink heavily. :)
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I don’t often write about how hard I find it to be a parent, especially with how much dh is gone (month home month gone = temporarily insane mom). I don’t know why I don’t talk about it, maybe because I feel that it’s the only thing I do right now (because I’m a SAHM) and if I am failing at that – and it DOES feel that I’m failing, often – that I’m failing it all.
I don’t know why I take on that much personal blame – kids are kids. My kids do such shitty things and it’s not because I didn’t teach them better – it’s because they CHOSE to be asshats. The days that I start losing my cool make me feel even worse – cause I can’t keep my shit together. Aren’t *I* supposed to be the adult here??? They are allowed to have bad days – but me, no.
I do think that parents should speak up more about the issues – the REAL, solid, crap this sucks – areas of parenting. It’s definitely something that I’ll teach my kids because no one said anything to me that you can go through times where you don’t even want to be in the same house as your own kids. *not that it changes the fact that I love them to death*
It’s funny – in (what they used to call) “Home Ec” you would learn about babies and how THEY change your life and how demanding THEY are. Why don’t they get into the 3 year old who lays down in the middle of the grocery store screaming his freaking face off because he can’t have *insert whatever here*… Or the 5 year old that would rather eat worms that be a half decent person to his sibling. Or the 12 year old that is so indifferent to EVERY THING you do to try to change a bad behavior / choice pattern that you’ve all but given up. This list goes on and on – I’ll get there eventually, that’s where we’re at for now.
I often wonder what my life would have been like had I chosen the “Career” road in Life rather than the “Mom” road. I’d probably feel better about myself – I’d hope LOL But then I look at my kids and know I wouldn’t trade them for anything – I’d sacrifice myself for them (which in a lot of ways is what I feel I do sometimes, but that’s sounding defeating…)
Call it what you will, we all hold our personal crosses and the hardest part of parenting is so very short in the true view of it all. While it may feel like a sacrifice at times – TO ME – I wouldn’t miss it. It’s taught me so much about so many people – MY PARENTS, myself, my husband – everyone. You get a new outlook on things I think. :)
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Parenting is by far the hardest thing I have done in my life and I often wonder also why no one told me how hard it was…I don’t write about it as often as I should (probably because I’m scared of what people will think, if I’m being honest). Thank you for sharing with us. At least I know I’m not alone.
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It is very hard. You go through stages and you think, phew, that was hard, glad that stage is over. THen WHAMMO!! comes the next stage and it’s harder than the one before. And just when you want to pat yourself on the back for doing a good job as a parent, your kid(s) turn into a monster. It’s unreal. You wonder how your parents did it, how anyone turns out anywhere close to normal, and you just keep slogging away. At least, that’s what I do. Thank goodness we’re not alone!
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You write:
“WHY ISN’T ANYONE ELSE TELLING ME HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A PARENT? Why am I wandering around feeling lost and incompetent by myself?…”
Have you read The Mask of Motherhood, by Susan Maushart? It’s written by a woman with three children. Discusses just what you’re asking. VERY thought-provoking. I highly recommend it.
I read your blog’s every post. I don’t even have children, but I’ve loved following your story. It’s a beautiful one, warts and all!
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Because as a parent my job is to put up with the shit.
I personally don’t like to talk publicly about the shit in my life – it doesn’t change anything. The only time I found it necessary to do so was when I thought I was finished. I thought that maybe I could leave something behind that someone, somewhere would read and remember.
Right now I have it pretty easy with our little girl. I’ll get back to you in a few years.
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Um. I have a bit of a different take on this. I’m not sure when it changed but I’m pretty sure it was past fo’. (you know, fo’! “It’s not the terrible twos, it’s the _____ fo’s”)
It’s more about showing them by example how to handle being imperfect, how to take care of yourself too, how to apologize and have bad moods and be irritated and still be a good person, a good mom, like that.
And, um, seriously, nobody told you? ’cause I remember having a pretty good idea going into this that TAKING ON 24/7 RESPONSIBILITY FOR A SMALL DEPENDENT IRRATIONAL PERSON? IS HARD.
The thing that makes it easier for me now is having other kids around in addition to my own. SO much easier than just bickering sibs. What are your boys up to, like, right now? :-)
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