July 2008

A few days ago I talked to Kitty on the phone. She gently chastised me for staying locked up in the house with the kids. For not accepting her invitations (and there have been several) to visit and hang out with her.

I told her that I’ve been afraid.

She, again gently and kindly, basically called me a moron for being afraid. We are ALL afraid, aren’t we, and that shouldn’t stop us from living life. And then she kind of kicked my ass in a gentle, kind way, and told me that I can’t make excuses and I have to just accept this “new normal” and get my ass out of the house more.

Dark roots in my hair. Unwaxed eyebrows. Wrinkled t-shirt. Wild kids. Lack of sleep. Occasional weeping fits over how difficult it is to be a parent sometimes.

Fuck it all! Just get OUT into the world.

And she was right.

She IS right.

I am going to try. I am going to do it.

So if I’ve ever sort of weirdly rejected your offer to hang out, and if you’re okay with my kids being there, or if I’ve ever given you what felt like a flimsy excuse, please try again. This applies especially if you’re the sort of person who can handle the aforementioned lack of pulled-together-ness. Who can handle that my conversations no longer flow very well due to the constant interruption of someone saying, “MOM! LOOK! LOOK! LOOK!”

I am going to stop waiting for things to be perfect and just make life happen.

Please continue to kick my ass if and when required, ok?

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A few days ago, a friend emailed in dire straights. Her life has taken a nosedive into hell and she needs help and no one has helped and she’s sinking further and she’s scared and sick and scared some more.

I’ll be honest – I didn’t think I could be much help. What do I know about her illness? What do I know about her situation? How could I help when I haven’t seen her in a dog’s age and she has plenty of people in her world who may be able to help her in a more meaningful way?

But, remembering the asskicking Kitty delivered about how I have got to get OUT of the house, and knowing that my friend was okay with my kids coming (and, in fact, has kids of her own who wanted to meet mine) I bundled everyone into the car and drove over there yesterday. I kicked my OWN ass to get myself there.

Sometimes I forget how good a sympathetic ear can be – that being “there” for someone doesn’t mean I have to have the answers. I don’t have to know all the right things to say or do. Sometimes being a good friend just means showing up and listening.

Turns out the day was really good for all those involved. I got out of the house and got to reconnect with someone I love. The kids got to play with other kids, jump on a trampoline and make new friends. And my own friend was happy to have the company, even if I couldn’t solve all of her problems.

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And wouldn’t you know it? I feel good today. Energized.

People need people.

When the boys’ grandfather came to visit, he brought them all fishing rods and assorted fishing-related items. Since that day, the boys have regularly asked if we could go fishing – and Coffee and I have looked at each other rather uncomfortably.

We’ve both been fishing – but neither one of us could tell you HOW to fish beyond the very concept of it.

Our friend Bob grew up in the house across the street from us (where his mother still lives) and on one of his visits I asked him whether he knew how to fish – hoping he could give us a) an idea as to where we could actually go fishing and, b) perhaps some pointers on how we could learn to fish.

Bob did us one better and offered to teach all of us how to cast – on his mom’s front lawn. The very same place that he learned to cast!

So yesterday the boys and I grabbed the poles and headed over to do some lawn fishing.

Oldest One is really quite good at it – he remembers some of what his grandfather taught him a few years ago and he seems to have a good knack for making small adjustments as needed. Bob was able to give him a few pointers and then Oldest One spent about an hour casting and reeling over and over again.

Middle One kept insisting he knew how to fish and didn’t need any help – while repeatedly tangling his line, dancing around, and otherwise kinda’ making me twitchy. Bob, however, was quite good at keeping him vaguely attentive and I think some of it actually sunk in.

Maymo, of course, is four. He and I worked as a team – me holding the rod with him and letting him do the bulk of the work. He was eventually content to hand me the rod altogether and let me give it a few tries. Fun!

A bit more practice and I think we’ll be ready to head out to the local fishing place. I’m going to take a lot of photos to send to grandpa – I think he’ll be pleased.

Today is Kelly’s birthday! Go forth and wish her a happy one…

What time did you get up this morning?
10, I think. It was totally, absolutely, fabulously delicious. I love weekends!

Diamonds or pearls?
Neither. I like colours!

What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
I have absolutely no idea. I’m hoping to take the kids to see Wall-E this week, however, at a matinee.

What is your favorite TV show?
I don’t have a favourite. Coffee and I tend to save up episodes of various shows and watch them all in a row until the season is done. So a few weeks might be spent loving CSI and then a few weeks on Weeds and then a few weeks on something else.

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Yesterday we sat the kids down to talk about the concept of “kindness” and the concept of “respect” and the concept of not making your mother insane.

For a while now, one of the kids has been slowly drifting out of line. It’s been gradual but persistent and it’s been getting uglier and more stressful with each passing day.

A large chunk of that came to head on my birthday – not that he did anything specifically horrid that day in particular, but he wasn’t any better and my stress levels just blew up all over the place when combined with the lack of birthday acknowledgement.

I felt like I was failing as a parent on every single level and I was feeling more and more overwhelmed.

I’ve been tired of delivering the same “pull your weight” lecture. Tired of trying to come up with creative consequences that matched the behaviours. Tired of the sulking and the yelling and the constant abuse of one of his brothers. Tired of following him around and supervising every move he makes.

But I didn’t know what to do about it.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about the kids, though, it’s that a good old fashioned “Family Meeting” makes a pretty big impact. Sometimes we include Maymo and sometimes we don’t (being 4, he often gets sidetracked and derails the whole meeting) but we always have both older kids in the room when we talk.

Yesterday I explained to them that the past while has been really not a lot of fun for me. I’m frustrated by one boy’s actions and I’ve been taking it out on the others – not intentionally, of course, but with my irritability and instant “NO!” response to requests. I’ve been grouchy and crabby and, to put it bluntly, a bitch in a lot of situations.

And I apologized to them for that. I promised that I’ll work harder to not let hard feelings transfer around to everyone else.

We explained that the lack of respect for each other that they’ve been showing isn’t appropriate. Home is a safe place for everyone – a place where we can be ourselves and know that we’re loved and accepted. A place where no one should be attacked, name-called, physically hurt, or verbally slammed.

Coffee and I both let them know that we’re making the cruelty a zero-tolerance item. Any sign of disrespect for your brother means you’re spending an hour in your room and you’re losing a dollar from your allowance.

That immediate room-going consequence means a cooling off time for all those involved – including me. The loss of that $1 from the allowance is the longer-acting consequence.

And if you go into the “negative” for that week – if your money lost is greater than your money earned – you lose something. A privilege, perhaps, or an item of parental choosing.

Two weeks of good behaviour and no “negative tally” will earn that privilege or item back.

I explained to the kids that when they’re assholes to each other all morning, refuse to do their chores properly, and otherwise make everyone unhappy, it makes it very difficult for me to work up any enthusiasm to take them somewhere or do something fun. Who wants to drive in a car full of angry, fighting, hostile people? Who can get excited about spending the day in a different location with the same yelling?

Sometimes it’s hard for me to determine what’s “normal” sibling rivalry and what’s crossing the line. When the boys first moved in I found most of the arguing and name-calling to be too harsh – my only child brain reeled at the crap they dished out and I frequently consulted with Coffee to see if it was, in fact, reasonable.

For a while it was all okay. Normal childhood squabbles and arguments.

But lately? Not so good.

Coffee has confirmed that what we’re seeing lately isn’t normal. It isn’t reasonable. It’s abusive and it’s over-the-top and it’s not healthy.

Melle, babysitting yesterday, confirmed that suspicion too.

So I feel okay about putting firmer behaviour rules in place – because I know it’s not normal. Because I know it’s not the usual stuff the brothers dish out. And because it’s my job not just to protect my kids from assholes in the world but to also keep our home safe.

I am determined to raise boys that are kind and compassionate. Boys who are strong, capable, and assertive – but not hurtful. Boys who will grow into men that contribute to the world in a positive way.

The idea of creating a mission statement for our family – a code of conduct and code of ethics – really appeals to me. It may be a task the kids and I work on this week. We’ll talk about what kind of people we want to be and what kind of an impact our family should make on each other, the community and the world at large. Then we’ll put it in writing and refer to it when we have these discussions.

I refuse to raise kids who become adults I’d hate to know.

Today is my Fakey Birthday. It’s compensation for my crappy ‘real’ birthday earlier this week.

Melle babysat. Sushi was eaten.
I AM SO HAPPY!

Sinks are now unclogged!
I AM SO HAPPY!

Talked with kids about why they can’t be asshats – they agreed!
I AM SO HAPPY!

It’s only Saturday and there’s still a whole day of weekend left!
I AM SO HAPPY!

Going to the library in a few minutes!
I AM SO HAPPY!

What I’m saying here is that.. well, really, I AM SO HAPPY TODAY.

Love,
Princess BirthdayPants.

I kicked the kids out of the house for 1 hour and 20 minutes. They’re scheduled to come back inside at 4pm.

You would think I was asking them to walk barefoot across a lava field with all the whining and complaining.

But when I looked out the window a few minutes later? They were all playing happily and giddily with the assorted sports equipment we own.

Continuing my attempt at remaining both upright AND cheerful, I shall list some more good things…

• My new Sharpie Pens. Because they are SHARPIES and they are PENS and oh.. yum.
• My husband maintains his sense of humour through pretty much everything. Like dog barf.
• My office filing is actually starting to look like I’ve DONE something as opposed to just made the situation worse.
• The child with the current ban on all-things-fun is playing wonderfully, kindly and sweetly with his little brother.
• Lemon cake for breakfast. This may be my new favourite breakfast food!
• Home Depot at 9am is full of hot contractors (what? it’s true!) and people like me who look somewhat desperate. It made me laugh.
• The song “Across the Universe”, whether by The Beatles, the ATU soundtrack or anyone else is just plain wonderful. It makes me sing every single time. Even when it’s on repeat for the 800th time.
• It’s Friday! It’s almost the weekend!
• Some of Coffee’s work-related stress will be easing very soon!
• I have a friend named Bob. Those of you who’ve known me for a long time know that the name “Bob” is one of my favourites for all purposes.
• Our goldfish, Jubs, lets me ‘pet’ him each morning. Sure, I sneak up and do it while he’s sleeping, but it’s still fun.
• No, really, Cake! for Breakfast!

I have stopped delivering lectures.

I have stopped delivering long-winded explanations.

I have moved on to simply handing out the consequence and moving right along.

My tongue may actually be fully split by tomorrow at the rate that I’m gnawing on it, but I think my point has been made: I’ll cut you slack the first time but, after that, good luck gaining my sympathies when you act like a dumbass and try to weasel out of the results.

–

Last night the drain in the kitchen sink and the drain in the bathroom sink stopped working. They are clogged at the place where they meet, we think, with something completely unknown.

Coffee’s usual mix of baking soda, hot water and vinegar did not make an impact.

Draino – or it’s more industrial-strength cousin – did nothing to remedy the problem.

And so now we are the proud owners of a 25′-long drain snake.

On hearing that I had purchased this ‘snake’, Maymo asked if he could have it for a pet tomorrow. Somehow I don’t think he’s going to want it once it’s done its job.

It’s amazing how often you use the sinks in the kitchen and bathroom.

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I would like a membership, please. How totally cool is that? And it’s a CLUB! You get access to a private area full of cool letter-writing stuff!

This reminds me that I should do some letter writing sometime soon. Who doesn’t love to get something in the mail? WHO?

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It’s Friday. Finally. This has been – no joke – one of the longest weeks in the world.