1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
A lot of parenting-related things! I survived a whole year (!) as a parent of 3 kids! I swear, honest, I’ll stop being so surprised by that shortly. Maybe.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I didn’t make any resolutions – I figured I had enough to manage – but this year I’ll definitely be making a few. I’m going to encourage the kids to make some, too, with “measurable milestones” and all.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I can recall! I think everyone came in under the wire of 2007.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope – and, may I say, PHEW! I’m hoping my “Everyone Dies Around The Holidays” streak is now fully, completely and utterly FINISHED.

5. What countries did you visit?
I didn’t leave Ontario (Canada) other than to go to the United States for some shopping in NY state.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Patience. Resolve. More confidence in myself. Money! Spare time. Hobbies. Oh, and some naps! (ha)

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
There are no specific dates that I’ll remember more than others, but there are obviously certain events that rocked (like finding out our adoption will be finalized soon).

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I know I’m repeating myself, but I’m seriously impressed that I made it through my first year of parenting. I’m also pretty happy that I juggled all the assorted tasks, requirements and bits-n-pieces required to help the kids get through the year. I kept ‘em alive!

9. What was your biggest failure?
That’s a tough question to answer. Most of my failures haven’t been enormous this year – they’ve been generic, run-of-the-mill kind of failures and mistakes and missteps. Thankfully.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
The kids have brought me the plague a few times, but for the most part I’ve been quite healthy in big ways. My wrist and its “severe tendonitis” has healed 99.9% with only occasional flare-ups. Even my cat allergies have been minimal!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Nothing specific. This wasn’t a year of buying randomly, so the things I did buy were things I wanted/needed more so than “just thought was cool”.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
The kids, for working hard to adapt to our new family. Coffee, for being so incredibly supportive of me in all possibly ways. Me, for not killing everyone and stuffing them in the freezer. (What?)

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
The kids, at times, when they weren’t adapting. Not appalled, though, just a bit depressed. And my own behaviour depressed me at times when I felt I wasn’t being as great at parenting as I could be.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Kids – food, food, food, assorted extracurriculars, food, food, food.. I mean, obviously other chunks went to things like the mortgage, hydro, water.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I can’t think of anything specific – this year has been pretty high-key in a lot of ways.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Oh, man, there are SO many! I’ve been a downloading, music-listening maniac. And much of it is shamefully bad stuff. I am pleased, however, that GnR finally realized “Chinese Democracy” and that it didn’t suck balls.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? – happier
b) thinner or fatter? – fatter (but that’s gonna’ change, dammit)
c) richer or poorer? – poorer, definitely

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Hobbies – sewing and embroidery and makin’ stuff. I’m going to put forth a big effort to do more “me” stuff this year.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying. Stressing out. It never helps.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Wishing it was over. I am not a fan of Christmas. I was happy, though, to get time with Coffee and to sleep later and for the brief bits of happiness coming from the kids.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Nope! But I did STAY in love and I think that’s pretty fucking important.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia How did I not know about this show before? And it’s been renewed for 2 more seasons! Then, of course, there’s my ongoing love for UFC and TUF.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope! I think, maybe, I’m finally too old to hate anyone flat-out. There are certainly people I think the world could do without and there are people who I could handle never seeing again.

24. What was the best book you read?
This is another one without an answer – I read SO many fabulous books this year!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I haven’t really found new musical stuff – just got more into what I already had and grew my collection as a result.

26. What did you want and get?
A fountain pen!

27. What did you want and not get?
A trip to California to see Michelle. A big bucket of free money. New tattoos.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I have no idea. I didn’t go to the theatre to see anything other than Wall-E (meh).

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 33. My birthday mostly sucked. This year I shall make it rock and I will be 34!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If other people in the world – immediate world and greater world – would follow through on what they say they’ll do, follow the rules of the situation, play fairly and get along.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Jeans + t-shirt, as always, but with added bonus of UFC hoodie. Because I am THAT stylish.

32. What kept you sane?
My dear husband, Coffee. WNET, Dr. Pepper, occasional outings for sushi and lots of library books.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election of Obama totally blew my mind in a really, really good way.

35. Who did you miss?
I missed my Dad so very, very much at times that it was like a sucker punch to the head. I also really missed all the various people and places of my childhood. That’s sort of an ongoing thing, though, rather than specific to this year.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Jenn! She’s an all ’round excellent person and I got to meet her in person. AND she babysat for me! I’ve also been REALLY lucky to “meet” some new online friends – some of whom have allowed me to abuse them in Scramble repeatedly.. Yay!!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
This too shall pass. I’ve always known it, but I’m working harder to embrace it.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Pick any nofx song and go with that. Really. Once again, they’ve been the soundtrack for the year.

The basement is covered in puddles of water.

The children are insane. Bitchy. Insane. Bitchy.

Coffee went back to work today.

Kill me…

(Photo by Jenn)

A few days ago, we very quietly marked the end of our first year as a family of five.

It occurred to me then, and now, that I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing as a parent. I mean, yes, the kids are clothed and fed and generally clean(-ish) and I seem to get them to their assorted obligations (Scouts, school plays, friends’ homes). They’re healthy and they’re growing and they seem to be reasonably well-adjusted to us.

I’ve learned what they like to eat – and don’t – and I’ve learned valuable lessons about routines and bedtimes and the preferred flavours of chewable vitamins. I know the lyrics to the Magic Schoolbus cartoon and I know how much it hurts to step on a chunk of Lego with a bare foot.

I’ve also learned how many days I can go without showering (more than you’d think) before I feel really, REALLY gross. I’ve learned how to cry quietly in the bathroom and how to keep a straight face while lecturing someone.

My standards have dropped drastically in many areas – like housekeeping and eyebrow waxing.

But I still really don’t feel like someone’s mother.

There are days when I wake up short on patience and high on irritability. There are days when I question whether anything I do, at all, will make any difference. And I can’t count the times I’ve looked at one of the kids and wondered what kind of therapy they’ll need in the future as a result of my parenting.

Kids are resilient and I’ve learned this both first-hand (from making mistakes) and from observation.

They wake in the mornings with a blank slate – something adults should work harder to embrace.

I often feel like I should be better at this by now – that a year should be enough time for me to know what the hell I’m doing.

But the other thing I’ve learned is that things are always changing.

Last year Maymo was in a specialized language school that necessitated horrible amounts of driving and coordination – and now he walks to school with his brothers and his language has improved significantly.

Last year Middle One hated school and hated learning and struggled to read and had no friends other than one asshole child that I hated. This year he’s still struggling but ohmygod, he’s making progress and he’s happier and he’s got friends.

Last year Oldest One wouldn’t leave the house. He refused to join any groups, wanted to be homeschooled, didn’t want to talk to other kids. This year he’s in Scouts, goes to Youth Group, loves school and has amazing friends.

They are growing. They are changing.

There are struggles.

Oldest One is now comfortable enough to express his anger – and is in therapy in the hopes of finding better ways to let it out. He has so much to be mad about, legitimately, but he won’t discuss it.

Middle One is starting a reading program, at home, in the hopes of getting him up to grade level in reading and writing. He still needs help with social skills.

Maymo still needs language assistance and is learning how to be less sensitive. He’s learning to stand on his own feet and is starting to recognize that crying hysterically doesn’t get him what he wants (at school, home, or otherwise..)

They are growing and changing and adapting.

There are many times when I firmly feel the strangeness of being an adoptive mom to older kids. I missed out on a lot of crucial moments in their lives, a lot of bonding opportunities, a lot of educational moments. Trying to fit them in, now, is awkward but important.

It is hard, too, to remain positive about their past while acknowledging what brought them into care. Hard to balance the love of their biological relatives (those who we’re in touch with) and the loss of their mother in their lives.

And it’s hard to find ways to involve their oldest brother, 16YO in a meaningful way, when he remains a veritable stranger to Coffee and me, lives in the same city but not nearby, and has a life about which even his brothers know nothing.

Remaining true to my own values, morals and principles is harder than I’d thought it would be – from what we eat to how we spend money. The influence of “other kids” is high and there are times when I just want to make the boys happy. There are days when I’ll do almost anything to avoid tears and yelling, too.

Teaching lessons – the important kind – seems to take forever.

Some days I’m flat-out jealous of those parents who have biological kids. I daydream that it’s far easier for them (though I’ve read too many blogs to truly believe that). But when I look at the various issues our boys have and the time it takes to bond.. well, how can I not wish it were otherwise? For them, and for me.

I wish they loved me the way they would if I had known them since birth – with no other mother to compare me to and measure me against. I do.

If we could turn the tables back, though, I’d still choose to adopt older kid(s). My insecurities and worries are manageable enough, for me, and I think my personality is better adapted to older children. I think the things I’ve had to let go of in order to be their parent are minimal.

But yes.. There are times when I still mourn my pre-children days. I miss long sushi lunches with Coffee and sleeping really late and not having to make meals “on time” (or at all). I miss having disposable income for frivolous things.

I miss not having to justify anything, ever, to anyone.

But it’s a new normal. And the only way through is to keep going and to reassess things from time to time to see what’s working and what isn’t. To admit that I’ll be making mistakes long after the kids have grown and moved out, so there’s no reason to think I have to be perfect now.

In less than a month we’ll be receiving our “order of adoption” papers from the court. Our social worker will come to our home to deliver the documents and that will be the end of us as “adoptive family” and the start of us as “just a family”.

There will be no strange mash of papers in the cupboard identifying the boys by their previous last name. I can put those in storage.

There will be no need for me to email a social worker when a health card expires. In fact, my wallet will not contain any “temporary” cards at all.

We will have birth certificates with their adoptive names. Passports, bank accounts, RESPs, will all be issued under the names we call them now.

There will be no more appointments in which I have to explain that I’m an adoptive mom – there will be no indicator otherwise. I will not have to include our social worker’s information on any forms or paperwork.

We’re already a family, though. As weird as it is, and as strange as it feels sometimes, we are a family of five.

In fact, if it weren’t for Coffee, I’d have already taken down the tree and packed up the ornaments. I’d leave the lights up, though, because that’s my favourite part of the whole deal.

I’m done! Over!

Not helping things is the fact that I’ve been sick, basically, since the first day of vacation. I’m stuffed up and snotty and achey and freezing/sweating and exhausted and.. really, that’s not helping things. My enthusiasm is pretty fucking low.

The best part of the holiday was that Coffee had time off – paid! – and while he does have to work on Monday and Tuesday coming up, he’ll be off for 5 days after that. I realize that, to some, a few days off doesn’t sound fabulous or anything (and, I also realize that to others it sounds dreamy) but to me it’s a bit of heaven to have him around.

One of the presents I received is a gorgeous fountain pen. I’ve been practising my signature and even wrote my first letter with it (today). It’s totally decadent and, if I’m being honest, the purple ink makes it feel downright regal. I want to write and write and write and write..

The kids had a good holiday, I think, scoring some xbox games and a few things that they really wanted. It was more than a little disheartening that one of the kids spent a good chunk of time dissecting his gifts and basically tossing them aside after opening (and then asking, “Are there any MORE presents???” WHY?”).

I tried hard not to take it personally but, well, I’m only human and it made me weepy.

I know the holidays are a time of transition around here – the anniversary of the boys moving in is just the tip for all of us – and I know my own track record of holiday enjoyment is pretty much nil due to historical events like the death of my parents near the holidays. But I’ve been trying to keep things positive and I think I’ve done okay, if not fabulously.

Did I mention that I’m glad Christmas is OVER? Yes? Okay, just checkin’.

Yesterday, boxing day, we made our way to the mall to meet up with 16YO for a few hours. The boys’ grandfather had sent me some money with which to purchase gifts for them and the unanimous decision amongst the boys was that Boxing Day Sales were the way to go, especially when combined with spending time together.

Y’know how I feel about malls in general? Amplify that by about 40,000 hatred points for “Boxing Day Sales” and “Asshole People In Large Crowds” and you’re nearing the “festive” mood I was in. Luckily, I got to spend time leaning against a wall and people-watching while Coffee helped the kids pick out games and toys and things that they wanted.

My boys were most thrilled, though, at getting to spend a few hours with 16YO – they didn’t really care about the location. We did this whole thing “off the radar” and didn’t involve 16YO’s social worker or care home worker. I suppose that could have been a disaster, but, ultimately, things were okay on our end and I assume it’s all good on 16YOs side, too.

I want the boys to see each other more often, to make it less of an ‘event’ when it happens, and it’s just not possible when you’re trying to coordinate professionals and their schedules along with the schedules of 4 kids.

I’m counting the days ’til 2009 with the hope that a lot of little things will sort themselves out, some excellent resolutions will be made, and a fresh start on some other bits and pieces will take place.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go kick someone’s ass at Tetris..

Merry Christmas!

Thank you for reading, commenting, laughing, supporting, advising and otherwise being a huge part of my life for the past year. I consider you friends and I’m glad to have “met” you, even if we wouldn’t recognize each other if we passed on the street!

To those of you who lurk, I hope you’ll pop into the comments at some point in 2009 so I can get to know you, but I thank you for reading. I see you in my stats and it makes me smile. Thanks!

To everyone: May your holidays be shiny and bright and wonderful!

The kids fight, scream, break every rule they can think of, hurt each other, argue. They’re wound up beyond “wound up” and they’re lying, trying to get each other in trouble, breaking stuff..

and then,

I go downstairs to my office, put my head on the desk, and cry.

Sure, I’ve tried other methods!

I’ve tried discussing the problem with the kids . Politely and calmly and NOT in the heat of the moment.

I’ve tried explaining why they need to follow certain rules. Why the rules are in place and what we should do if we feel a rule isn’t fair or isn’t working.

I’ve asked for their input on how to make things better. What would help them be able to get along? What would make it easier for things not to devolve into a shitstorm?

I’ve explained how their actions are impacting on me, of course, but also how their sibling(s) feel. It’s not fun to have your feelings hurt. Your brother doesn’t want to play with you if you’re going to lie about things to get him in trouble. Mom cannot focus on getting her own chores done if you’re screaming at each other.

And, in the end, the weeping on the desk is the most effective because at least I feel better when I’m done. Dammit.

Please stay away from Oldest One. I know you think he’s “cute” .

You may flirt with him when he is 30-ish and not a second before.

Sincerely yours,
Violet.

Click on this link to see what my blog is SUPPOSED to look like.

ESFP – The Performers

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead – they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.

The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation – qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

(Check your blog here.)

AND..

From 41Q:

Your personality type:

Quiet, reflective and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Well-developed value system, which they strive to live in accordance with. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and helping people.

Careers that could fit you include:

Writers, artists, counselors, social workers, English teachers, fine arts teachers, child care workers, clergy, missionaries, psychologists, psychiatrists, scientists, political activists, editors, education consultants, journalists, religious educators, social scientists.

For whatever reason, this year seems to be hitting me harder than usual in the “missing Debbie Sue” area and I keep thinking about how awesome she was and how much I miss her. She was seriously an amazing person and her death continues to suck because, like many deaths, it’s NOT FAIR.

This morning I went to make a sandwich and noticed that the meat I was putting on it was.. grey. And crunchy. And expired in mid-November. It also smelled kind of like my feet. No, I didn’t eat it. No, I didn’t feed it to the kids, either.

Speaking of which, the kids are assholes at the moment. They’re off from school, cannot control themselves, fighting like they’re rival gangsters, screaming, throwing things, and injuring each other with reckless abandon. Every thirty seconds, one of them starts crying or yelling because of “what HE did”. Currently they’re in separate rooms because it’s the only way I can keep from knocking their heads together a la Three Stooges and calling them all “knuckleheads”.

The beagle will not stop howling – and howling and howling – because “there’s a cat! a cat! a cat!”. Even when said cat is nowhere nearby. It’s not mean howling, and she’s not being vicious or anything, but it’s shrill and high-pitched and I think I’m going to save up my money and buy some noise-cancelling “airplane landing” ear muffs.

Oldest One wanted to pick up one last gift for Coffee. This necessitated us going to a store. And going to a store on December 22 sucks balls no matter how hard you try to make it “fun” because the store is full of people who are NOT trying to “make it fun” and who are assholes. And so, it was not fun. And people are assholes.

Ho Ho Ho, fuckers.

My stress levels are somewhere around 90 (on a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is the worst and 1 is the best) and it’s only 3:09 pm which means, no, I cannot start drinking. Not even under the guise of “the holidays!” and not even if I mix it with a drop or two of eggnog.

I have a heap of presents to wrap, my room looks like something exploded, I can’t find anything, I have no clean clothing..

Coffee is at work. He is, in theory, coming home at some point but if he decides to simply flee to another country, I’ll totally understand his reasoning. What’s more fun than coming home to a house full of insane children and a wife who’s feeling stabby?

Seriously, is it OVER YET?