Moody.

The astrological sign “cancer”, under which I fall, is known for being moody (amongst other traits) and that’s always a pretty good way to describe me: moody.

(I like to think of moody as being “full of moods” as opposed to the overwhelmingly negative connotations that come along with the word. Just so’s y’know.)

I mention this because, since I weaned my brain off of Celexa, it’s been interesting to pay attention to my feeeeelings.

For the first while, it was like someone was pelting me with water balloons of emotion – both good and bad – and it was quite overwhelming and raw. Not totally unpleasant, but also not totally comfortable. I was likely to feel weepy for the tiniest reasons and equally as likely to laugh, loudly, at something moderately amusing.

Over the course of a few weeks, I discovered that I quite liked this spontaneous emotion-feeling thing. I was growing more comfortable with the whole deal and the rawness of it felt less, well, raw and more natural. It was familiar to me.

And now, well, I’ve almost forgotten how it felt to be the other way.

It’s worth noting that, in my assorted antidepressant use over the years, there have been people who notice a change and either prefer me medicated or not. Apparently I’m more quirky without the meds.. which isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, I s’pose.

Part of the challenge, for me, is to be okay with feeling really down for a day – instead of panicking that I’m going to sink into some sort of year-long depression. My all-or-nothing thinking sure comes slamming back in a hurry!

I have to pick myself up, keep moving, look for things to adjust/change (more sleep, more fish oil, less sugar..) and it works. I wake up feeling better or I manage to chuck aside my bad mood for a bit.

And that’s normal.

I’ve had a few tiny episodes of anxiety and one major one since I’ve been off the Celexa. I didn’t pop any clonazepam on any of those occasions – instead, I tried to think back on what I had done that day and realized I’d been a little strung out on caffeine. Ah! Lightbulb!

Mostly though, I’m just feeling really good and normal and moody. And it’s nice.