Things I Do Not Understand About My Kids.

(This list could be updated daily, by the way, so perhaps there will be future installments.)

1. When one of them is being an asshole to the other(s), why do they continue to play together? Do they enjoy the angst? Do they enjoy the pain and suffering? And why, after they complain to me about each other, do they get upset when I suggest they take some time apart?
2. Why is Oldest One the only one who “accidentally” hurts his brothers with toys while playing? And why does he think I’ll believe it was an accident every time?
3. Why do they get out of bed on holidays, PD days and weekends just to tell me how “very tired” they are? What’s wrong with the concept of sleeping later? I try to model this sleeping-late behaviour for them as often as possible, btw.
4. Do they really think I believe them when they tell me absolutely ridiculous lies? I suspect they think I’m an idiot.
5. Why does the 11 year old kid who has made perhaps 3 phone calls in the entire year+ that he’s lived here insist that he needs a cellphone? Relatedly, do you think he’d notice if I bought him one of those candy-filled ones from the dollar store? It’s not like he’ll ever try to call someone..
6. Why do they take every opportunity to rat each other out? Where’s the sibling loyalty?! No matter how big or small the infraction, one of them will gleefully tell me about it within 20 seconds of it happening. And they like to bring it up a few days later, too, with the, “And, Mom? Did I tell you that Oldest One wasn’t wearing his coat at recess three weeks ago?”
7. Speaking of which.. is it really necessary for them to start every declaration, statement, or question with, “And, mom?” even if they’ve just walked into the room or even if it’s the first time they’ve seen me all day? I THINK NOT. Let’s save the “and”s for times when it’s applicable as a continuation of a conversation.
8. While I appreciate the need to verify that the small child has, in fact, brushed his teeth, why does he feel the need to exhale harshly in my face to demonstrate that minty-cleanness? And why can’t he take “No, I don’t want to smell your breath.. I’ll trust you!” at face value?
9. After I’ve said hello to Maymo at school, why does he insist on shouting, “LET ME SNEAK UP ON YOU!” no matter how many times I explain the concept of “sneaking” and how that concept doesn’t involve yelling at someone to turn away from you so you can smack them in the butt?