September 2009

1. It’s still the weekend! Yippee!
2. Waking up pain-free and not even taking pain meds last night, either.
3. We watched the last three episodes of True Blood last night. The ending, while certainly a typical cliffhanger, was pretty much perfect because it included some resolutions to some stuff. (That’s called “being vague so as not to wreck it for anyone!”)
4. A while ago we fell in love with a particular brand/style of cookware – but it’s just outside of our budget as far as heading out and replacing all our existing stuff (ha!) – the first piece we bought on wicked sale. The second we found yesterday on sale! YAY!
5. Oldest One actually volunteered to help me with drying dishes last night and chatted happily and it was nice. Weird, but nice. :)

1. Noise-canceling headphones are AWESOME. I haven’t used mine much in the past year, so had forgotten this.
2. Wearing my UFC hoodie today. It’s HOODIE SEASON!!!
3. Coffee’s unending patience in solving my problems – whether technical or otherwise.
4. I’m still losing weight. (I’m down 26 pounds, so far!) School helps by keeping me busy and then too tired to care about food..
5. A lovely, apparently much-needed nap.
6. Today, my friend Nicole is getting married and so is one of my high school boyfriends (with whom I’ve stayed in touch over the years). This, of course, made me all schmoopy about loooove and good relationships and hope and.. well, you get the picture. Yay for happiness!

1. I had physiotherapy after sitting on the horribly uncomfortable bench for two hours.
2. Got Forrest Griffin’s book from the library. Cannot wait to devour it.
3. It’s almost the weekend!!!
4. Less pain = happier me.
5. Pizza for dinner tonight means no cooking, minimal clean-up, and more time to hang out with my beloved husband after the kids are in bed! Yay!

This morning I spent two hours at the local courthouse in order to take notes on the “court experience”. I have a 10 page paper to write about my experiences and it’s due in my “Social Work and The Law” class a little over a week from now.

Although my paper is a personal essay, thus not requiring a lot of citing or extra research, I figured I’d blog a bit about it to help me wrap my brain around my observations and feelings.

First, I received many compliments and comments on my hair from the clients who were waiting for, or with, their lawyers. A few remarked that they wished I was their social worker since I probably “get” stuff better than whomever they’ve been assigned. This didn’t surprise me in the slightest, but it did make me smile – I’m not sure I ‘get’ a lot of the issues, yet, but at least they’d be comfortable around me, right?

Second, if I had to spend long periods of time at the courthouse I’d probably end up with lung cancer from all the chain-smoking nervous-wrecks standing around outside.

Third, it would appear that there are many, many people in the community who are serving weekend sentences at the various prisons in the area – most of whom were given that sentence so they could work during the week to pay restitution for their crimes.

Fourth, alcohol and drugs are (in a no-brainer statement) highly implicated as the cause of most of the problems that result in people heading to court. It’s either due to intoxicated stupid behaviour (“I got drunk and smashed the car”) or through systemic abuse in families (“He drinks with his mother, and step-father, and then drives them places and his father overdosed on cocaine last year and his coping skills are strongly attached to alcohol and.. “) Not much of a surprise, but more than a little depressing to hear case after case, after case.

Fifth, there are a lot of really good-looking men in court. I’m talking heavily-tattooed good-looking men, some accompanied by weeping girlfriends – not the lawyers in suits. I’m not sure I can work this point into my paper very effectively, however.

Sixth, the judge has got to be bored as shit for most of these cases. I also have no idea how he maintains his own faith in humanity – mine went missing halfway through the two hour visit.

Seventh, the lawyers all spent a good chunk of time talking about how their client now understands the error of their ways and is making positive life choices – like getting a job – so please, sir, let’s just release him on probation instead of jail time.

Eighth, the crown, in turn, spent a good chunk of time talking about how a guy on his tenth (14th, 20th, etc.) conviction for the same stupid offense really isn’t demonstrating his understanding of the error of his ways – and, by the way, a part-time job that covers two hours per week isn’t really saying much. So, let’s impose jail time, ok?

Ninth, people do really stupid things. For no reason.

Tenth, alcoholics are able to hold a complete shitload of alcohol in their bloodstream and still function surprisingly well. (Seriously, if you can manage to get the key into the ignition of your car with a BAC of .266, you sort of get my respect.)

Eleventh, court is busy. There’s lawyers coming and talking and bowing and leaving and opening the door and handing papers around and, seriously, all of that’s taking place while the judge is talking to the lawyer and the accused and there are bailiffs wandering around and it’s not really a great place for someone with ADD to hang out and try to take notes.

Twelfth, I felt more sorry for some of the girlfriends of the people being sentenced than I did for anyone else. Lots of sobbing and smeared mascara and they were all mostly-ignored other than the small wave from their boyfriends as they were lead from the room to head off to jail.

Thirteenth, my butt fell asleep about ten minutes into the whole ordeal and I’m not convinced that it’s fully-recovered at this point.

Fourteenth, if it weren’t for the pained-butt, I could have sat there all day watching people come and go and explain themselves.

Fifteenth, not one single apology or “speech” to the court felt even the slightest bit sincere. I have no idea if I’m being too cynical, but, really, no one was moved.

Sixteenth, I am so glad it’s the weekend.

1. I am officially registered with the college as a “note taker” for two people in my program. This will earn me notations on my transcripts and a certificate or something, but more importantly it gives me a reason to NOT slack on taking awesomely thorough notes in class!
2. My Group Process seminar this morning broke down into little groups to do some work. So far, I quite like the people in my group and think it’s going to work out nicely. (We work in this group ’til Christmas, so it’s a big deal to get along!)
3. Even though my primary desktop computer is unhappy (with lots of freezing and dying) I have my tiny laptop to work on and the confidence that Coffee will fix the issues for me. Phew!
4. My car, which spent a good chunk of time acting up yesterday, drove perfectly fine today and had no issues.
5. Tomorrow morning I go to court – as an observer – to take notes. I have to write a paper for my Law class and I AM SO EXCITED! (Not about the court part, really, but the writing part. :)

Things I do not understand (a partial list, in no particular order):

• Fashion. Why are you wearing something if it hurts, is uncomfortable, limits your ability to move or otherwise interferes with the shit you need to do while you’re awake?
• Makeup. The basic concept of makeup is to “enhance” what you have – you cannot actually draw on a whole new face. Why don’t more people understand that idea?
• My child and his assertion that “school is a big priority” for him as he tells me he didn’t bring home the “pointless” (from his perspective) homework, nor complete said homework at school, didn’t use his planner, and didn’t do any studying. Ummm..?
• Why people are afraid of assertive, direct people. I’m not talking about rude people. I’m talking about people who clearly state their expectations and the consequences of not meeting those expectations. Why is that scary? Uncertainty is FAR scarier, imho.
• Why that woman, this morning, tried to merge into the SIDE of my car when she couldn’t be bothered to wait in the line with everyone else to merge (she tried to sneak in front of me) and why she was pissed off that I didn’t let her in by slamming on my brakes.
• Why the dog insists on putting her head on my thigh and whinging at me despite it never getting her anything other than sent out of the room.
• Why some people smell really, really bad – even when they’re otherwise well-groomed. Do they not know?
• Why people use Windows (XP, Vista, whatever!) even when they have other choices.
• Why there aren’t any touch-less car washes near my house that also reuse their water.
• Why people love the telephone so much.

1. The asshole who tried to cut me off, and then tried sneak around me, IN A CONSTRUCTION ZONE will be charged – according to the construction workers who noted the incident and wrote down his plate.
2. I finished class at noon today, ran some errands, put gas in my car, and am now home for a bit before my physiotherapy appointment. PHEW.
3. Physiotherapy is THE BEST THING EVER. I love every single second of it. It’s like MAGIC.
4. Sunshine with a cool breeze. Awesome.
5. Getting downright giddy about some of my upcoming assignments even as I’m beginning to worry about my ability to do them. Ha!

1. I have two friends at school! Two!
2. My meeting with my advisor was unbelievably good. He’s awesome and he thinks I’m awesome. :)
3. Remembering to drink a lot of water during the day – it makes me more cheerful.
4. Sleeping like a rock. Apparently my brain and body are both totally exhausted every night.
5. Physio continues to be good – I have another appointment on Wednesday and another on Friday.

1. Not even a drop of a headache today, thanks to following the instructions from my physiotherapist! YAY!
2. Coffee can, and does, fix my computer from work sometimes.
3. Being mad at a kid and not raising my voice even the slightest bit – even though I REALLY WANTED TO YELL.
4. Sitting next to someone who has similar perspectives to mine when it comes to “classroom etiquette”.
5. Enthusiasm. It’s a good thing.

I had intended to spend this weekend doing the usual things – grocery shopping, laundry, leisurely picking my nose – and then catch up on all of the email, blog-reading and other stuff that I normally would do during the week if I were at home.

Here’s my first observation about returning to school: the weekends are way too short.

I got nowhere near my email and I barely touched my own blog and as for reading other people’s stuff, let’s just say that the “Mark All As Read” button in Google Reader may have been hit once the numbers got over 900 (in under a day!!) and showed no signs of slowing.

The good thing is that I was mentally prepared to let those things slide if needed. I got my homework done, read the first few chapters of the some textbooks, and I repeatedly reassured myself that I’d catch up on the online world later. I’m not feeling upset – I just feel strangely disconnected. That’ll resolve itself shortly.. one way or another.

Laundry is done, kids are clean and fed, we ate dinner together and talked and ran errands as a family and, in short, the weekend did what the weekend needed to do! And now I’m getting ready to start week #2 so I’ll fill you in on the first week..

The first week of school was a huge blur of newness. Even though my program has only 44 students I don’t know more than a hand full of names and I only recognize about 20 faces. I can find my locker easily but I’m not even slightly confident that I can find all of my classrooms yet – a problem, really, given that those classroom doors are locked on the hour and late-comers are out of luck for attending that day. I’ll have to tie my laces tightly and follow my classmates as often as possible for the next while.

My classes are a mix – some seem like they’re going to be really straight-forward and possibly even easy. Some seem like they’re going to be a huge challenge. Most of them, so far at least, seem like they’ll be interesting and that I’ll learn things that actually interest me.

The first week was a lot of orientation-related things – some for the program itself and some for the college as a whole. Heaps of handouts explaining expectations and standards and how to cite papers in APA format and how to file a complaint and what font to use and.. my brain was dead every single night that I came home. Overload! I literally struggled to string together a sentence when talking to the kids and Coffee. Eeek!

My fellow students are intriguing, to say the least. I’ll be with these people full-time for the next two years, so of course I’m curious about them and trying to figure them out and paying attention to them as much as possible. I’m also trying not to make any judgments (inasmuch as I can avoid it) since it’s the first week and everyone’s nervous and out of sorts and struggling to figure things out – not the best time to decide what someone’s really like, right?

There are, of course, about a million little stories I’d love to share here so you could either roll your eyes along with me, laugh with me, gasp in shock, or otherwise share in the experience. I can’t, though, given the confidentiality side of my course (no, really). Suffice it to say that for someone in a course that will explore the various facets of society, there’s a good selection of the general populace in each classroom with me. I’m already struggling with finding some empathy and understanding in some instances which is a strange feeling.

The other “mature” students are of all different backgrounds which makes me want to gravitate toward them – knowing that they’ve worked at jobs, raised (or are raising) kids, are scared shitless about returning to school and that they want to do well at this course .. well, yeah. You see my point.

I’m admittedly struggling to relate to the trials and tribulations of the 19 year olds in the class because their perspective is so different from mine at this point and, even when I was 19, I was in a different place than they appear to be (due to my mother’s death, my university issues, living away from home, etc.). I find myself biting my tongue to avoid saying “motherly” things to them, at times, and sometimes struggle to not roll my eyes. This will be difficult for me, I think, and I’ll have to pay close attention to myself.

A good number of my classmates, both younger and older, are friendly and outgoing and seemingly quite kind. Again, I suppose that goes with the social services territory, right? We’re mostly unjaded at this point and not cynical about the population we may someday serve and, in short, we’re all fresh-faced and rosy-cheeked and pretty much keeners on the “helping people” front. Not a bad thing at all!

The school work itself has been repeatedly touted as being challenging and difficult and involving tasks that will require a huge amount of our time and energy and focus. Two of my classes, based on syllabus and texts, feel like they’re going to be quite easy for me due to my past experiences and education and I suspect I’m going to end up being really grateful for those bits of respite since the other classes already feel heavy and somewhat overwhelming.

Flipping randomly through my textbooks makes me freak out. I can’t believe I’m going to be learning these things and reading these things and BEING TESTED ON THESE THINGS! OHMYGOD!

I am working very hard at staying in the moment and have caught myself actually chanting “I am here now. I do not need to worry about what will happen next. I am here now.” When one of my classmates had a full-on anxiety attack while sitting next to me, it was all I could do not to run screaming out of the room – I was strangely convinced that it might be contagious. If the actual workload is even half as much as we’ve been “threatened” with, it’s going to be absolutely brutal. Everyone seems to be on-edge and nervous and questioning their ability to get through this.

(I am here NOW and I do not need to worry about what will happen NEXT because I am here NOW.. .. Breathe in through the nose… out through the mouth…)

I’ve only had to eat lunch at school on two days. On the first day, my fellow classmates packed up their stuff in the final 30 seconds of the guest-speaker’s talk and, when the time was up, they pretty much bolted from the room. I was stuck behind putting my papers away and seriously had no clue where anyone went! I made my way to the lawn, under a tree, and spent my lunch sending Coffee text messages while I ate. It wasn’t terrible but it did feel really strange and I was hoping it wasn’t a sign of things to come.

The next time lunch rolled around I was in mid-conversation with another student in my class. We decided to go outside and eat and talk, again under a tree, and it was lovely to get to know her a bit better. We also chatted with another fellow student for a few minutes as he made his way to the parking lot. She accompanied me to the Disabilities Office to register for my appointment and we managed to find our next class, and get there on time, together.

Later I discovered that a lot of my classmates purchase lunches – I’ll bring my own from home for the most part, given the cost ($6 for an egg-salad sandwich and a pop?!) and the excruciating pain of of standing in line at the restaurants and food-court on campus. I heard from a few people that the cost of the food had given them the motivation to bring lunch from home too, now, so perhaps there’ll be more company outside or in the hallways.

It all feels rather surreal – even right now, as I type this, I can’t quite fathom that tomorrow morning I’ll wake up to the alarm and hit the ground running. Tomorrow is the first official week of “real” school – no more orientation.

We’ve had some long talks with the kids about the things they need to do to help out and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it’s all going to work (so far, so good!) One of the biggest changes is that our mornings have to run smoothly and without drama or hysterics or even small hiccups. This means everyone has to get ready the night before and have all papers signed, planners in backpacks, clothes laid out (yes, really) and get in bed on time.

In the evenings, I make my lunch and Maymo’s lunch and put them in the fridge for the morning. Pack my backpack up, after carefully checking which textbooks and binders I’ll need for that day, and make sure my water bottles are filled and ready (one in the freezer for the afternoon classes). We set the table for breakfast, write the date/details for the next day on the kitchen whiteboard, and set the coffee machine to leap into action at the right time.

And then I try to breathe. Deeply.

Week one is DONE and week two is STARTING and it’s all going to be okay, right? I can do this. We can do this.