Yesterday was a shit-tacular day on the parenting front. I cried.
Bluntly: last week Maymo was molested by a kid at school. The information slowly came out from him and from the school. I’m still having a hard time discussing it, to be honest. It was a low, low, LOW point in the week. There were phone calls and letters and all the rest of it.
I was particularly shocked to learn that the child who did it.. had done it before. The mother of the child who did it noted that she was worried that kid would be “shunned” as a result of the behaviour. I was less-concerned with that and much more concerned with making sure Maymo knew the whole “good touch / bad touch” thing and that he could not do that to someone else and that the kid who did it was WRONG to do it. (etc)
Then, one of the neighbourhood kids who plays with my kids, from time to time, said that he thought Maymo “had pulled down his pants and was showing everyone his penis at school! And my mom says that’s illegal and that Maymo could go to JAIL for that!”
So, the mother of the kid who did it is worried about her kid being shunned — but mine is the one with the new reputation for being the “creepy kid”?? And all the kids are telling their parents that Maymo did that??
I assured the neighbour that Maymo was innocent and had been the victim in this situation.
We spent a good chunk of time talk to Maymo about who could touch what, when, where and why. We talked about how people’s bodies are their own and how you have to respect that, etc .etc..etc..
Two days later, Maymo began chasing other kids around trying to grab their “privates and bums” on the playground. To say I was unhappy with this new behaviour would be to understate things significantly. We talked, again, about who can touch what/where/when/why. He assured us that he understood.
Yesterday he played the “try to kiss everyone” game on the playground. Didn’t stop when people asked him to.
I’m at my wits end on this one. I threatened to take away CHRISTMAS for god’s sake, if he didn’t keep his grubby hands to himself. Ugh.
So last night I was grumpy about the “kissing game”. About my kid and inappropriate touching and other kids’ inappropriate touching and, ugh. UGH. My frustration level was mighty high – and I was wracking my brain to think of a way to deter this from happening in the future and how to get Maymo to understand that it was NOT OKAY and all the rest of it. Feeling like a shitty parent because he was just NOT GETTING IT.
Then Oldest One handed me a note (from school) that informed me he had spent the day in “counseling” because his friend “teabagged” another kid in the hallway and Oldest One didn’t do anything to stop it.
In fact, in Oldest One’s words it wasn’t a big deal because all he (Oldest One) did was laugh and other kids were there and so, y’know, not a big deal. In fact, he was kinda’ pissed off that the kid went to the office to tell on him and his friend.
Except that the kid that got “teabagged” has emotional problems (and possibly other issues) so, really, the gist is that my kid watched his friend assault a child with “issues”, did nothing about it, laughed at it, and was pissed off that he got in trouble for it. And then wrote the lamest half-apology letter because the school forced him to do so.
And then, when Coffee and I said we needed to “discuss it” he looked at us and said, “Discuss what?”
Discuss what? Are you shitting me?!
Of course, the note states clearly that any future incident will involve “suspension, forced to leave school, criminal charges”, which should really have tipped him off to the severity of the whole thing, no? And the fact that he wasn’t allowed to attend school all day? And the fact that he needed his parents to sign the letter?
You have GOT to be kidding me.
Ugh.
Kids kind of suck sometimes.
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{{hugs}}
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*big hug*
what a horrible day :-(
Violet, none of this is your fault! You are doing a great job in a horrible situation. If it was me and my kids, I would be yelling and slapping and locking them in their room for the rest of their lives. Seriously, I am amazed at how well you are handling it.
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oh my goodness. my dear. oh gosh.
I have no idea what to say. that SUCKS.
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And we got another note home today from Maymo’s teacher about “more inappropriate touching” – that, specifically, he was spanking another kid and then tried to *tell on* that kid.
So, one of my kids isn’t having Christmas this year. Literally.
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I wonder, would Oldest One just stand around and laugh while his friend teabagged his little brother?
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Geezus!! What the hell is going on at that school? I have no idea how you are holding it together. Teabagging? Seriously? Wow, I am speechless.
I tried to think if we ever did anything similar when I was Maymo’s age.
I know we played “boys catch the girls”. We would chase them around and catch them and place them in a little fenced in corner of the school and it was “guarded” by two boys while the others ran off to fetch more girls. If the girls wanted out, they had to kiss one of the boys. But the girls (and the boys for that matter) thought that was icky, so they just stayed there. Then the bell rang and we all went back inside. Pretty tame compared to grabbing and dropping pants. I dunno what to say. -
Isn’t Maymo five? Isn’t that around the age where playing doctor and similar games, exploring the differances in gender, becomes popular? Or is that earlier? Hmm… all I remember from my psychologytext is that around age 6, kids tend to have nightmares and talk a lot about death. Look forward to it… Ahem.
Continuing to have conversations about what’s appropriate is decidedly the way to go. I’d personally also add information about emotions of being subjected to something you’re not approving of, both in general (“When mum/dad makes you … , you feel …”) and in specific (“touching … feels like …”).
As for Oldest One…. good god. Teabagging? At SCHOOL? Where?! How the *fuck* did it get to that point? There’s some long talks needed about bullying at that school, ‘cuz that kind of behaviour – doing and watching – is without doubt bullying. Perhaps movies for educational purposes would be good as well? Perhaps Edward Scissorhands? Or this episode of Without A Trace I saw today, it’s called Our Sons and Daughters (S02E06).
I’d like to get through to him that it’s usually not the person doing the bullying that the victim remembers – it’s everyone that stood around doing nothing. I know that. I was bullied. My husband was bullied, much worse than me, and it’s no laughing matter. Ten, fifteen years later, those memories still haunt him, and he does get flashbacks (but apparently not “bad enough” to be PTSD).
You’re doing good in other areas. Don’t loose confidence in yourselves! Get the school in on it. THEY need to also talk about what’s okay to do or not, and perhaps run anti-bullying campaigns. Perhaps find help from http://www.stopabully.ca/ ?
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*hugs*
I wish I had something else to offer besides this: you and Coffee are great parents and this too will pass. (For everyone’s sake, I hope v. quickly!)
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Keep working at it, Violet. Some things take time and flashes of insight. All I can say is I am glad it is not me facing that. I was clueless as a parent. Ella was the problem solver. Hugs.
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I can understand your frustration love, but the truth is you’re not there during the day to watch their every move. So my question is where the FUCK are the teachers?? When I was in school we weren’t alone long enough to get a quick smack at each other let alone free genitals from clothing.
All of us here know you’re a good mom… This isn’t your fault and wow I can understand how angry you must be. Especially towards Oldest one… I’m sure things will get better though… I’m sure missing Christmas will do the trick if all else fails :)
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I agree with Kylie.
I was thinking the same thing…Where the FUCK are the teachers???
But I didn’t say that at first – I am a homeschooling mom, and when I say shit like that, people get all bent out of shape. Not Violet (she has a lovely shape), of course, but others.
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Wholy moley! I’m sure you are a lovely parent, and it is obviously not just your kids that are doing all of this stuff.
maybe you should have a chat with some of the other parents that you might know? and then you can have a talk with the principal. I think the whole school needs to be addressed about this stuff either through a class by class workshop or a whole school assembly, because it’s not okay.
all I can say is good luck….thoughts and prayers
Trina
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