There are some assorted things taking place within the boys’ extended family that I need to manage – but I am not yet sure how to do so. A good part of it is because I wish to remain polite and cordial while balancing my own protectiveness, the legal issues, the best interests of my boys and everything in between.
I welcome any and all advice. I will also remind you that at least two of the boys’ relatives read my blog with permission and god only know who’s reading without my knowledge.
A grand overview: no one in the boys’ extended family has any right to be in touch with the boys from a legal perspective. There are a variety of reasons for this, none of which have any bearing on the rest of this blog post. Coffee and I have veto rights on who’s in touch, how they’re in touch, how often, etc. – with the exception of the boys’ biological mother who is to have absolutely no contact with the boys until they are adults (18 years of age) regardless of our thoughts on the subject.
We have tried to be accommodating of relatives’ desires to be in touch. Some have been in touch since the boys moved in. Some were given “clearance” by the agency before we even met the boys (i.e., we were told who had followed up with the agency as to the boys’ well-being in foster care, who had written letters or visited, who was a positive part of the boys’ lives, etc.). At the same time, we have made it very clear that we are not co-parenting with any of the extended family and that we are not simply in the role of babysitter or foster parent – we are legally the boys’ parents. We are also aware that much of what goes on is a compromise – that some people would like more access, more info, more updates.
The first issue is that I seem to be getting email addressed to the boys, or to myself, at an address that no one in the extended family should have (other than one person). This means that either that person has provided my email address to someone who shouldn’t have it, without my permission, or has forwarded an/some email(s) to this other person without removing identifying information. I am angry about this because the address is my first and last name.
The second is that I am receiving emails from bio-relatives that I don’t know, who have never introduced themselves to me, and these relatives are assuming I will give the email to the boys or forward on to their email addresses. This is not acceptable. I am not forwarding anything along from anyone unless I know them and know exactly what their relationship was like with the boys. There have been issues in the past with family contact that was not beneficial to the boys – including an incident where one of the recent correspondents provided contact information to the boys’ biological mother.
I have also received multiple emails from individuals who are all-but accusing me of keeping the boys away from their older brother who has apparently “tried many times to get in touch”. I admit that I have not given their brother our home address or phone number, but he does have my cellphone #, email address, MSN contact and Facebook information – -and hasn’t used any of it to convey his desire to see his brothers.
I, on the other hand, spent several months offering to make it happen – and received no replies (but I do know he’s logged into Facebook because, after all, I can see his updates and his statuses, etc.) I passed along the message via his worker, as well, in the event that he wasn’t comfortable corresponding directly with me. Nada.
What I’m saying here is that it’s not my job to make a 17 year old do anything at all, and I resent the implication that I should be doing more than I have, already. He’s not a child. He needs to step up and either ask to see his brothers or admit to the rest of his family that he’s made no effort whatsoever.
At the same time, I’m somewhat relieved not to hear from him. I maintain contact with his social worker so I can send birthday/new baby/christmas cards (and we did, and didn’t hear a word from him in response – but his worker did assure me that he got ‘em all) and, as a result, I am aware of what’s going on in his life to some extent. I also know that, given what’s going on in his life at the moment, there is no chance in hell I’m allowing him to get near his brothers until the “situation” has been remedied. It’s not a good situation and while Maymo might be young enough to miss it, there’s no chance the older two will fail to see the problem. It’s my job to protect the kids, remember?
I assume, but cannot be sure, that the extended family is aware of “the situation”. It’s not my place to say or do anything about it, though I would certainly provide contact info for his worker if anyone wanted/needed it. I can’t exactly put that in the email, can I?
The boys’ grandfather has left several messages on our voice mail, each one a bit less friendly than the last. He has my email address which is the best way to contact me, and he has Oldest One’s email address too. He hasn’t sent me anything in months, nor has he sent anything to Oldest One. The boys never, ever answer the phone (I’m pretty sure they’re incapable of hearing it ringing) because of my insistence that they have to take a message if it’s not for them. I have told them every single time that their grandfather has left a message. I have prodded Oldest One to email him. Nada.
I firmly believe it’s my job to facilitate the boys’ relationships but not to direct them. I have told the boys repeatedly that they can email (well, Oldest One can do it on his own) and they don’t have any interest. I have told them that they can draw a picture, make something (small), write a regular letter — and I’ll mail it. And this year, when we wrote out our Christmas cards, none of them wanted to do more than sign their name to the one Coffee and I had prepared.
So, what exactly am I supposed to do with that? Force them to sit and write?
I have attempted to draft up a “Merry Christmas” email – one that would go to pretty much everyone who has emailed me in the past year. I have pondered how to include the “you seriously better make sure the boys’ biological mother never finds out my name, where the boys are, or how to get in touch because if she makes an attempt to contact us/them or shows up in our neighbourhood, I have a really awesome lawyer and I won’t hesitate to use him” threat (which isn’t a threat so much as a vow). That’s not exactly friendly, is it? Or festive?
I should note that the two relatives who I know read this are already aware of my stipulations, so this isn’t directed at them by any means (unless, of course, there’s been some weird change in their behaviour of which I’m not yet aware).
Some day I’m going to sit and write a book for adoptive parents. I’ll call it the “Adoptive Parents Etiquette Book: How to Handle the Shit You Didn’t Know You’d Have to Handle.”
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i think you are completely in the right here! you have got to protect those boys, that is the highest priority. period.
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Wait, is just punching everyone in the nose an option?
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These family members coming out of the woodwork with stones in hand, where were they when the boys needed them? Did any of these people step up and offer to take guardianship before the law came and adopted the boys out to complete strangers (who just so happen to be committed to doing their damnedest to keep the boys on the level?) No? Huh.
You’re right about Grandpa: It’s between him and the boys. You don’t need to be in the middle. Make sure that Grandpa knows you are giving them his messages and that you’re not actively or passively cutting him off from them. It might be a good lesson for the boys if he sets some expectations about maintaining relationships and insists they be met.
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Actually, MO on his last birthday asked to send an email to one relative. Who didn’t respond back/acknowledge it, but shortly after sent an email to OO. It really is tough to be the Middle One.
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Ah, that’s true. The “I had a great birthday” email – - his way of letting that relative know that the birthday had gone unacknowledged for the 2nd year in a row. .. and yep, no response.
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ouch! poor MO.
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Not sure how I would handle this. I’m more of the “everyone’s cut off” except those who “get it.” Our new son is not allowed to communicate with either of his bios, so we’re extending that to everyone else except for his big brother, who does “get it.” Older brother lives with bio mum (not by choice) at grandma’s house. He’s put our cell number in his cell under an alias name which has absolutely no meaning just in case bio mum snoops. Everyone else in the kid’s bio-family can use the registry to see photos or send messages. Of course, we’re new at this, so maybe this will look very different in 2 years?
Michelle’s husband, Dave
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This is only a partial answer, but I think I’d start by putting a filter on that “secret” email account, that bounces back a message to those people who shouldn’t have it, based on their email, saying “sorry, this email account has been closed, you may contact me at…” and use some nonsense name on gmail or yahoo – that they can’t link to your real name. Of course, the filter still allows the message to come through, just so you know. After a bit of that, change the bounce message to just “this email account is closed”. Most people aren’t computer savvy enough to realize your hoaxing them, and move on to the new one. That removes your real name from their thought process. I did this once with someone who was annoying me via email, and actually had the filter kind of spam them every hour for a day, saying that redelivery was attempted, and failed, followed by another saying message failure, citing the ISP host. A few days of getting a bunch of junk replies every time they tried made them give up.
And c’mon, I’ve known your real last name from all the years ago when we were on the usenet group – and I still think its something you just made up!
Dave, not Michelle’s husband
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I was going to say the same thing as Dave (the husband, not the other one). We’re still figuring it out. But the brother (ours) seems to be making good choices so far. It would be really hard if he wasn’t. One of my fears is what happens when you don’t know who knows who you are.
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Holy shit, V. I had no idea. I am stunned as can be. You protect those boys and that is all. No one will blame you.
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My opinion is there is NO etiquette. Infact I would email them this post I think it goes over things quite nicely, and if they can’t understand that then they’re not mature enough to spend time with the boys.
I hope all goes well :)
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When I was 13, my very estranged half-sister picked up the phone and called me because she wanted to have a relationship. We made plans to meet – w/o my parents knowing (we share a father; my mum is her stepmum). I ended up spilling the info to my parents and they allowed me to meet with her, but I had to leave a phone number for her in an envelope that they would only open if I did not return at the scheduled time.
I was 13 and introduced to the idea that my parents thought my half-sister was going to take me. (Awesome, no?)
We met and while it was good to catch up, she made it clear she had no interest in getting to know my brother (her 1/2 bro) or renewing a relationship with my parents. Which told me everything I needed to know about her. That is, not worth my time. Since then she’s renewed a relationship with ‘our’ family, which works out for her when her car breaks down and she needs a loan. Or when her ex stopped paying child support, so my parents supplemented my niece’s education.
Of course, this isn’t entirely the same case. But over the years, I’ve sent feelers out to the 3 half-sisters and have been disappointed by them every time. There are more ‘cons’ than ‘pros’ when it comes to keeping these women close.
I think it’s worth sitting down with OO and MO and hashing out with them about how they want to approach the situation. If they are disappointed by their relatives, then they need to be given an opportunity to express that.
Is their social worker or your CAS contacts helpful in keeping something on file that can be given to relatives who are looking for contact? Which could be a short paragraph from MO and OO about their desire (or not) to be in touch… Or maybe they want to just have an update on file each year with some general details about what they’re up to (scouts, school, etc) and so forth
When my daughter was born, a package showed up from a half-sister and I wish I had refused it. I have no idea how to explain to my child that Mummy has 3 half-sisters, two of which cannot be trusted and one of which has not talked to myself, our dad, my bro, my mum, for over 25 yrs. I’m an aunt to 5 and, apparently, a great-aunt to 3. I’m disappointed at times that I only have a relationship with a single niece (we’re 10 months apart), but, on the other end, how could I have these people in my life – namely my sisters – and trust that they would still be around from one moment to the next? That their interest in my life is genuine? I have ‘friended’ my oldest nephew on FB, but he’s shown ZERO interest in getting to know me. He’s 32 with 2 kids of his own, so it’s not a matter of him being too young to understand.
Until the boys are at an age when then can make the conscious decision to foster relationships with their bio relatives, then you should not be expected to act as a gatekeeper.
Blood thicker than water? Bullshit.
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