Comments on: Etiquette.

By: bad mummy

bad mummy — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 20:18:57 +0000

When I was 13, my very estranged half-sister picked up the phone and called me because she wanted to have a relationship. We made plans to meet – w/o my parents knowing (we share a father; my mum is her stepmum). I ended up spilling the info to my parents and they allowed me to meet with her, but I had to leave a phone number for her in an envelope that they would only open if I did not return at the scheduled time.

I was 13 and introduced to the idea that my parents thought my half-sister was going to take me. (Awesome, no?)

We met and while it was good to catch up, she made it clear she had no interest in getting to know my brother (her 1/2 bro) or renewing a relationship with my parents. Which told me everything I needed to know about her. That is, not worth my time. Since then she’s renewed a relationship with ‘our’ family, which works out for her when her car breaks down and she needs a loan. Or when her ex stopped paying child support, so my parents supplemented my niece’s education.

Of course, this isn’t entirely the same case. But over the years, I’ve sent feelers out to the 3 half-sisters and have been disappointed by them every time. There are more ‘cons’ than ‘pros’ when it comes to keeping these women close.

I think it’s worth sitting down with OO and MO and hashing out with them about how they want to approach the situation. If they are disappointed by their relatives, then they need to be given an opportunity to express that.

Is their social worker or your CAS contacts helpful in keeping something on file that can be given to relatives who are looking for contact? Which could be a short paragraph from MO and OO about their desire (or not) to be in touch… Or maybe they want to just have an update on file each year with some general details about what they’re up to (scouts, school, etc) and so forth

When my daughter was born, a package showed up from a half-sister and I wish I had refused it. I have no idea how to explain to my child that Mummy has 3 half-sisters, two of which cannot be trusted and one of which has not talked to myself, our dad, my bro, my mum, for over 25 yrs. I’m an aunt to 5 and, apparently, a great-aunt to 3. I’m disappointed at times that I only have a relationship with a single niece (we’re 10 months apart), but, on the other end, how could I have these people in my life – namely my sisters – and trust that they would still be around from one moment to the next? That their interest in my life is genuine? I have ‘friended’ my oldest nephew on FB, but he’s shown ZERO interest in getting to know me. He’s 32 with 2 kids of his own, so it’s not a matter of him being too young to understand.

Until the boys are at an age when then can make the conscious decision to foster relationships with their bio relatives, then you should not be expected to act as a gatekeeper.

Blood thicker than water? Bullshit.

By: Kylie

Kylie — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 14:57:21 +0000

My opinion is there is NO etiquette. Infact I would email them this post I think it goes over things quite nicely, and if they can’t understand that then they’re not mature enough to spend time with the boys.

I hope all goes well :)

By: MayB

MayB — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 06:38:33 +0000

Holy shit, V. I had no idea. I am stunned as can be. You protect those boys and that is all. No one will blame you.

By: Michelle Parker

Michelle Parker — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 03:21:57 +0000

I was going to say the same thing as Dave (the husband, not the other one). We’re still figuring it out. But the brother (ours) seems to be making good choices so far. It would be really hard if he wasn’t. One of my fears is what happens when you don’t know who knows who you are.

By: Dave

Dave — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 23:34:18 +0000

This is only a partial answer, but I think I’d start by putting a filter on that “secret” email account, that bounces back a message to those people who shouldn’t have it, based on their email, saying “sorry, this email account has been closed, you may contact me at…” and use some nonsense name on gmail or yahoo – that they can’t link to your real name. Of course, the filter still allows the message to come through, just so you know. After a bit of that, change the bounce message to just “this email account is closed”. Most people aren’t computer savvy enough to realize your hoaxing them, and move on to the new one. That removes your real name from their thought process. I did this once with someone who was annoying me via email, and actually had the filter kind of spam them every hour for a day, saying that redelivery was attempted, and failed, followed by another saying message failure, citing the ISP host. A few days of getting a bunch of junk replies every time they tried made them give up.

And c’mon, I’ve known your real last name from all the years ago when we were on the usenet group – and I still think its something you just made up!

Dave, not Michelle’s husband

By: michelle

michelle — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 23:20:10 +0000

ouch! poor MO.

By: Michelle Parker

Michelle Parker — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 22:57:42 +0000

Not sure how I would handle this. I’m more of the “everyone’s cut off” except those who “get it.” Our new son is not allowed to communicate with either of his bios, so we’re extending that to everyone else except for his big brother, who does “get it.” Older brother lives with bio mum (not by choice) at grandma’s house. He’s put our cell number in his cell under an alias name which has absolutely no meaning just in case bio mum snoops. Everyone else in the kid’s bio-family can use the registry to see photos or send messages. Of course, we’re new at this, so maybe this will look very different in 2 years?

Michelle’s husband, Dave

By: violet

violet — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 22:06:07 +0000

Ah, that’s true. The “I had a great birthday” email – - his way of letting that relative know that the birthday had gone unacknowledged for the 2nd year in a row. .. and yep, no response.

By: coffee

coffee — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 19:46:22 +0000

Actually, MO on his last birthday asked to send an email to one relative. Who didn’t respond back/acknowledge it, but shortly after sent an email to OO. It really is tough to be the Middle One.

By: R.

R. — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 19:39:56 +0000

These family members coming out of the woodwork with stones in hand, where were they when the boys needed them? Did any of these people step up and offer to take guardianship before the law came and adopted the boys out to complete strangers (who just so happen to be committed to doing their damnedest to keep the boys on the level?) No? Huh.

You’re right about Grandpa: It’s between him and the boys. You don’t need to be in the middle. Make sure that Grandpa knows you are giving them his messages and that you’re not actively or passively cutting him off from them. It might be a good lesson for the boys if he sets some expectations about maintaining relationships and insists they be met.