Also, forgive me for the comparison, but maybe OO is trying to be alpha dog with his brothers. About 5 yrs ago, my parents adopted a rescue dog. And, damn, was that dog neurotic. Nipped at your ankles as you walked by. They couldn’t pick her up for fear of having their hands chewed off. And any food offered to her by hand had her alternately cowering or ripping it from your hands. Also, the constant circles she would walk (tight ones, like she’d been kenneled for long periods) and the absolute fear of having her paws touched.

Anyway. Dog. Neurotic. Broken.

So mum and dad signed up for a dog training course with a guy who worked with rescue dogs. A lot of what they learned had to do with asserting themselves as the alpha dogs. Yes, she was abused. But that was then and this was now and with the impending arrival of a grandchild (The Mook) my parents stopped accommodating her unacceptable actions.

Catou is a very sweet dog now. Incredibly protective of The Mook. A real suck and lap dog when she feels like it. Can pick cheerios off the palm of your hand so gently you can’t even feel her do it.

Ramble, ramble. Anyway. Broken dog. Broken kid. Love them, but don’t put up with any shit because – dammit – you’re in the charge. Go alpha!

sorry. :o)

Just reading this (without reading the comments), my gut was – he needs to spend the weekend intensely with his parents.

Saturday is all about what *you* want to do with him.

He has school work? Great – he gets to do school work WITH MOM (I know – how much fun does that sound?).

Otherwise some very all about what needs doing. Grocery shopping? Just him and coffee? Then, bring him skating with Maymo. Then, get him and MO to play monopoly with you and coffee (maymo will play too, of course ).

Then he can clean the bathroom with you. Even if it is him sitting on the floor while you clean toilets.

Oh – and picking up dog shit. That is great therapy.

But remember – you can’t make him put groceries in the cart, or skate, or clean, or pick up dog shit. But you can make him go to the grocery store, go to the ice rink, sit in the bathroom, and come outside.

It will be his choice how far he wants to involve himself.

Make the weekend ALL ABOUT FAMILY. NO FIGHTING. If he screws up (which, face it, he will), say something silly like “this is the weekend that OO can do no wrong” and move on.

Show him you love him.

Show him you need him.

Show him you value him.

Show him what an important member of the family he is.

Then Sunday – you can actually ask him what he wants to do *WITH THE FAMILY* and what he wants to do *WITH A PARENT*.

Then, if you can….do it. (obviously, going to Florida is out, but is there something you CAN do?)

I know, I know…I’m not dealing with the same kind of problems that you are. I admit, I have no real clue what to do with your 12 year old.

But no matter what age. No matter what stage. No matter anything.

My kids *always* get better with “sling time”.

When they were babies, they would go through miserable phases. And picking them up, strapping them in the sling, and taking them along with me no matter what I was doing (laundry, groceries, chores, walking the dog) ALWAYS made them feel better. We called it sling time.

Now, sling time has a different feel (my eldest has crossed the 75 lbs mark, so I’m not carrying him anywhere). But it seems to have the same result.

A happier child.

Which makes a happier parent.

Everytime.

It sounds as though OO is going through some “feeling” issues. He sounds frustrated, and does not know how to deal with his own anger. He may also feels misunderstood (not trying to take sides, just trying to figure things out from his perspective). Do you know how he is feeling when he does X?

Does he feel like he “belongs”? (our bio kids rarely misbehave when they feel that they belong – still working on Tornado Boy). Maybe he needs to do chores to help him feel that he’s contributing to the family, or things to make his brother’s lives easier – make their beds or do something nice for them etc (although I suspect that would be a living hell from a parental policing perspective).

Maybe he needs more counseling to explore his own feelings. Maybe he feels the other kids have it better – maybe he’s jealous. Maybe he needs a chore break? (Now I’m just throwing things out there).

Have you had family meetings to discuss some of these issues? One of the things I read about to do in the meetings is that at the beginning of the meeting, everyone has to say something nice about each of the others. Supposedly when they realize that everyone appreciates them for something, then they start appreciating each other more. Can’t hurt to try.

Hope all works out well – and you’re doing awesome!

Michelle’s Husband, Dave