Trepping.

I am not exactly nervous, or anxious, about returning to school this year. I know I’ll have the first day “eeek!” feeling when it rolls around, of course, but I’m positive it’ll be nothing like last year when, for the first few weeks, I regularly spent time sitting in the parking lot weeping.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say there was some trepidation, though. Second year of my program is focused on Group Work and ohgod, I hate group work. I think all control freaks hate group work, to be honest, because it means.. loss of control. People have different priorities than I do; some people are okay with a “C” across the board.

I have heard, too, that the first half of this year will be “brutal” in terms of the sheer volume of assignments. And since most of those involve groups… yeah.

Last year I had a few good experiences with groups. One came about because another group member was awesomely dedicated – and I was actually able to relax (and, on a few occasions, I even got a chance to slack as a result of her hard work!). Another occasion was when my group let me (or was too scared not to?) take full control of everything and dictate how things would go. And yet another occasion was when I worked in a small group with people who were all on the same wavelength in terms of what needed to be done and the standards we wanted to meet.

So there is some hope. At least, I’m trying to maintain some.

I keep reminding myself that I’m not in this to make friends. I am doing this so I can get my diploma and get a job that I like/enjoy/want. (I have made a few friends, of course.)

I’m nervous again about never having time to myself, or to spend with my husband, or to vacuum the living room. This year my schedule doesn’t have any weekdays off; I won’t have Fridays to run errands and clean up and do my laundry. I know I’ll be making some sacrifices and I also know I will get some time for myself on occasion.

I’m nervous about the workload again, with the endless writing and studying and trying to memorize acronyms.

Then again, I’m pleased with my new school supplies..

I dunno. We’ve firmly established that I worry more than I should about things that, in general, don’t require me to worry. The flip side is that I’m often more prepared for “things” than people who worry less – mainly because I’ve given the “thing” a shitload of consideration ahead of time.

(There’s a reason why some people can happily show up with a purse and I require a full backpack.)

Last year there was a significant amount of drama in my class – and ohgod, I don’t want to go through that again. There was Facebook drama, for god’s sake, over shit that I didn’t even know was happening (and yet, somehow, I got dragged into it by name?!) Classmates ‘unfriended’ me because they had ‘heard’ that I was part of it – the only thing I could do was laugh.

There was drama inside the class, too, with accusations of favouritism and people cheating and all manner of crap spewed around. I am thankful, though it sounds mean, that some of the people involved won’t be coming back this year (our class has decreased in size considerably from the original numbers).

Here is the truth: I like my program. I like my advisor. I like most of what I’m learning (and the rest is at least interesting). I like doing a good job on my assignments. I like getting good marks. I like being all nerdy about this shit. And I like school supplies.

So, I’m going back next week feeling wary – and tinged with hope. Hope that group work won’t suck my soul out of me, hope that my remaining classmates aren’t filled with drama, and hope that I’ll survive the year.

Stay tuned for impending hysteria.